Dropping The Other Shoe

I started the day in a hopeful mood; I just took my whole family out to vote, followed by a celebratory "democracy brunch" at our favorite local restaurant (which just happens to be owned and operated by immigrants). As an aside, the bill came out to about half of what I earn in an entire year as an artist these days (it wasn't that expensive, that's just how little I make). I know things are really bleak right now, but I genuinely see a bright future ahead of us. Perhaps I'm being idealistic (and I've certainly got my sleeves rolled up, because the work's not going to do itself), but I believe that as bad as things have gotten, it's finally galvanized enough of us to recognize the problems with our system, and motivate us to fix them.

But now, things have taken an ominous turn, and I'm feeling a bit disheartened again. Although it's not unrelated to politics, it (probably) has nothing to do with voting (although the administration's techno-fascist stranglehold on social media is enough to make me wonder - like how Zuckerberg de-platformed No Kings on Instagram during their nationwide protest last weekend). Blogger delisted one of my posts today. I'm going to gloss over the fact that it wouldn't even tell me which post - I had to sift through thousands of them to find it, but it turned out to be a post in which I had recently replaced a video with a subscription link (as discussed previously). Normally, in these circumstances, the best strategy is to lay low. But, out of frustration - and perhaps some level of spite - I pressed the button to request a review. Now, this is one of those cases where technically, I may indeed be in violation of the rule, but it's the rule itself that's unfair. The result, though, is that I may very well lose this blog in short order.

And it seems to me, that it's not much of a stretch to interpret this whole mess as my livelihood being threatened by AI - since its tendrils are being felt increasingly every day. Just recently, on JustForFans, I've been having content tags "recommended" on videos I've uploaded. What this says to me is that they have AI scanning every video uploaded (because there's no way they have enough biological eyeballs to do that work). And that terrifies me. Because no matter how many times the people behind JFF assure us otherwise, I do not trust for one second that this AI is not absorbing my content and feeding it into the hivemind. Without compensation (as the techbros grow ever fatter on our labor), and without my consent.

I know it's passe to even talk about privacy these days, but when mass video surveillance became ubiquitous, people (rightfully) had concerns about their privacy. Not only those who feared no longer being able to commit crimes in obscurity, either. I don't feel that I can even get into all the reasons right now, but the notion that "if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" is bogus. Privacy is valuable even to people who aren't criminals, not least of which because it's easier to "profile" and discriminately target people the more you know about them. Also, the law isn't the only thing that can hurt people who don't conform. There are plenty of people who just want to do their own thing without hurting anybody, but also without being judged and shamed or singled out for their outlying behaviors.

Anyway, I've long felt that the dangers of mass surveillance were strongly mitigated by the limitations of human eyeballs. It doesn't matter so much that there's a camera on every street corner, because you couldn't possibly have someone watching the feed every second of every day. You run it on a loop, and if there's, say, a report of a crime, then law enforcement can pull up the records within so many days and specifically watch the relevant portion. Otherwise, all those hours of meaningless footage gets lost, as it should be.

AI changes that. AI can watch every second of every day. We're getting closer and closer to Big Brother. And that's scary enough, but knowing how imperfect AI is - false positives are rampant right now. It'd be bad enough if every violation, no matter how minor, on social media was litigated, but to think of how many innocent people are being swept up in these raids... I worry about the chilling effect this is going to have on people's speech. How long will somebody like myself - an honest artisan of the erotic arts - even be able to exist outside of the gated warrens of the adult sector, where people are treated like subhuman animals without rights or plain human dignity? Let alone, the limitations it places on the reach of my voice.

I have no leverage, but more importantly, I have no community. I want to join a union. I want to talk to other people who do the same kind of things I do, and have the same kind of issues I have. Granted, I'm a loner, so networking doesn't come naturally to me. But am I completely out of bounds in thinking that maybe we're being deliberately isolated, so that we can't work together? Usually, you can find discussion forums somewhere where people are talking about how crappy a product is (like a social media platform, for example). Every time I've had a problem with sites like Patreon, OnlyFans, and JustForFans, all I can pull up in search is ads for those services, and content (how are other people selling their stuff if every effort I've made to self-advertise - something that doesn't come naturally to me - is met with hardened resistance?). Even their subReddits are relatively empty, or devoid of any meaningful meta-commentary. Am I the only human being on this planet who produces pornography and has a rational, thinking mind? I know that can't be true, but I'd be inclined to believe it from what little I've been able to find out there...

In lieu of polishing this post, I'm just going to publish it, because I don't know how much longer I'm going to have a platform with which to raise my voice. :-/

Aiming For My Foot

I'm taking a risk in even bringing this up - not least of all because talking about it removes any plausible deniability (the defense of ignorance), but also because drawing attention to your own misdeeds is obviously a fool's errand. But I am nothing if not transparently honest (even to my own detriment), and I want to take this opportunity to point out an injustice, as well as plead my case. All of my posts on this blog are backed up, but that doesn't eliminate the serious inconvenience and, more importantly, considerable emotional harm it would cause me if this blog I've been writing on for the last 16(!) years suddenly vanished.

When I started up my computer today and navigated to the Blogger dashboard, I received a notice of changes to the Content Policy, which will become effective on December 16. A link to the policy provides no indication of what has changed, and since I don't have the policy memorized, I can but guess. (I'm sure that's a strategic choice by the company - to maintain a position of power by keeping the userbase in the dark). One part in particular stood out to me, although I have reason to believe that it is not a new rule - just one that I had most likely ignored in the past, because it had no relevance for me at the time.

Rest assured, adult content will still be permitted. Blogger teased revoking that privilege once before (over 10 years ago - where does the time go?) and, to its credit, backed down amid a shitstorm of justified outrage. The part that concerns me is the one that outlaws the monetization of adult content. First, some background.

I'm an artist. I'm also a free thinker. I started this blog 16 years ago to explore subjects that run adjacent to my artistic pursuit - pondering questions about the aesthetics of beauty, and the place of nudity and sexuality not just in art but society overall - as much as to share some of the art I produce. Back then, monetization wasn't even on the periphery of my vision. Nude self-portrait photography started as a private hobby, and only grew over the years into my life's passion.

It's only been in the past six years or so, with the proliferation of independent creator-oriented platforms like OnlyFans and its competitors, that I've been able to start getting back a fraction of the value I expend making the art I enjoy sharing with appreciative and like-minded audiences. Eight years ago, I participated in a personal project that involved posting my art daily for an entire year (in tribute to the first such project I engaged in, ten years prior, which marked my formal introduction to the exciting world of nude photography), right here on this blog.

Now, Blogger has never been the ideal platform for video content. I had toyed with the idea of selling my videos on XTube in the past. However, although I do not place limits on myself when it comes to exploring the gratifying realm of physical pleasure, my work is primarily oriented toward artistic nudity, and I resent having to resort to narrowly focused and frankly distasteful porn sites in order to share it. That said, there are no real alternatives. I can't post the kind of videos I produce on YouTube - the platform would never allow it.

In any case, the project in question occurred at a time after XTube had gone belly up, and before I started experimenting with OnlyFans and its ilk. It's only in the past year that I have gone back and begun replacing the videos I've posted here on this blog (itself an endeavor I've been working on for almost a full year now) with links to my subscription site on JustForFans. Which I am only now realizing is likely against the rules (albeit depending on your interpretation of the wording). But isn't that my prerogative? Why am I being singled out because my vocation involves nudity or sexuality? It's not like there aren't content filters in place.

This is a capitalist country. More so than a religious conservative haven, or a nanny state (because, unfortunately, neither conservatives nor liberals have the market cornered on sexual repression). We have individual liberties. If I choose to do this work (legally!), and share it with consenting audiences, why am I not permitted to advertise it, and seek new customers? We have an administration that is getting filthy rich by lying, cheating, and stealing, while dismantling our federal government and the world order. Yet I'm facing the possibility of losing 16 years of work, just because I thought I might be able to get a few bucks out of it - fairly? No, I don't accept that! I'm not going to comply in advance. If you want to take me down, then fuck you. But I'm not changing who I am.

Mountainuding Adventures

I just went on an impromptu camping trip to take advantage of this late summer heat wave, and to make up for the earlier camping trip that was ruined by extreme flooding - but this time by myself, so I could focus on the activity I love more than just about anything in the world: outdoor nude recreation! Or, more specifically, nude wilderness exploration. And self-portrait photography, because the two go together like peanut butter and jelly. My self-portrait photography is enhanced by the wild locations and scenic vistas I seek out, and my wilderness exploration is indeed spurred on by my mad artistic pursuit of visual documentation of the wonder and sheer joy I feel being naked in the great outdoors. The only thing missing is a buddy who shares my level of passion, and has the stamina to keep up with me, climbing mountains and yet still having the energy to dash back and forth to wherever I set up my camera tripod.

Among other things packed into my busy, three day excursion, on this trip I conducted a staggering three hour photoshoot for a clone shot that involved multiple costume changes (oh, how I prefer the simplicity of nude modeling). The theme is a concept I came up with years ago, depicting a scene from the Garden of Eden. It's designed to send a message, emphasizing the contradiction between a spiritual view of nudity (and/or sexuality) and the false notion of modesty or purity that is passed off as "virtue" in organized religion. It's a concept that obviously hits home for me, and a message that I want to spread far and wide, so the level of expectation I had for this photoshoot was high. The location I picked couldn't be more perfect - it's a very old tree "hidden" (though not hard to find, if you know what to look for) in a protected wilderness area that's revered by locals in the know as a magic tree, often referred to as 'the tree of life'.

That said, the lighting was a nightmare to work with (hence the three hours I spent shooting). The weather constantly altered between sunny and cloudy, sometimes switching as quickly as during the ten seconds it took me to hit the shutter button on my camera and then run into place and strike a pose. At one point, as I was waiting (between costumes) for a cloud bank to pass, a group of tree hunters showed up (I lunged for my sarong) to get their pictures in front of the tree. They were friendly, and we engaged in some light conversation, as I patiently waited for them to move on so I could get back to figuring out how to wear a string of ivy as clothing. I have concerns about whether I pulled the whole thing off (in spite of the monumental effort I put into it - and considerable frustration I got out of it), but I won't know until I've had some time to work on the images in post-production.

But that wasn't even the highlight of my trip! On the previous day, I hiked up the back side of a mountain, to spend hours trawling the epic ridgeline along the top, exhausting myself with picture opportunities every few steps, as the breathtaking views (and eminently climbable rock formations) kept coming and coming, without letting up. And do you know what the best part was? I didn't encounter a single person, so I was able to spend the entire day completely nude, in one of the most picturesque locations I've ever been! In my heart I didn't want it to ever end, but my body was getting more and more tired with each shoot, the sun dropping as the hours passed (I eventually made it back to my car - at the bottom of the mountain - after a deep twilight had set in), with a nagging thought tugging at the back of my mind, that my memory card could only hold so many pictures and videos, and I still had that mammoth costume shoot to do the next day.

But that's not all! At the end of my trip, I still had a couple of hours left to kill, and I wasn't ready to put my clothes on and return to civilization just yet. I had already made the effort to reach this remote wilderness area, and I wanted to make the most of it. So I tried a new trail I'd never hiked before. No cars at the trailhead - and it dragging into late afternoon by that point - said to me that I would have the wilderness all to myself! So I hiked an hour round trip (double that, give or take, factoring in the inevitable picture stops), out into the wilderness and back, fully naked. The scenery was beautiful, and the terrain most pleasant - I didn't even have to wear shoes! The heat of the sun was perfectly balanced by an unrelenting wind roaring over the plains. I felt so alive!

I remember thinking in the moment how delightful it was, not only to be able to experience the natural beauty of this wild planet, beyond the boundaries of civilization and its artificial constructions, but to enjoy it completely unobstructed by the numbing barrier of textiles. When I vocalize it, even in my head - "to walk naked in nature" - it sounds a silly thing to take so seriously. (Or, for those who are threatened by the human body, a serious thing to take so lightly). But words don't do justice to what I felt out there (even pictures can't capture it completely), and how much more vividly I felt it because I wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. I wish I knew how to adequately communicate that feeling to people who haven't tried it, or don't have the disposition for it. They don't have to like it as much as I do - or even at all. I just want them to understand how much it means to me, and be willing to make reasonable - I said reasonable! - concessions, so that I may enjoy those feelings more in life.

[When asked by the aforementioned group of tree hunters what I was waiting around for, a part of me wanted to speak honestly and openly. But out of habit, itself borne out of the fear of social disapproval, I instinctively told a half-truth - that I was waiting for the light to change. Maybe next time I'll have the confidence to be more direct - to explain, in a friendly manner, that I was waiting for them to leave so I could take more pictures half-dressed (or less). (You'd think by the fact that I was uncommonly dressed in nary but a sarong, with my long hair flowing like some enchanted forest creature, they might have already suspected more than they, or I, let on). There's no law against saying such things, and communication contributes to awareness. You never know, you might even be met with delighted curiosity instead of the disgusted revulsion you'd expect.]

And what I'm left with now - besides the fond memories that will no doubt last a lifetime, and hopefully inspire similar adventures in the future - is a sagging camera roll that demands attention. I'm eager to pore through those pictures and videos and uncover all the pure moments of beauty I've captured, and even more excited to eventually share them with others who will be able to appreciate them for what they are. But tempering that excitement is the realization that I have a large and growing backlog of similar pictures and videos that I have as yet not had enough time to pore through. And these new ones, as good as they are, are not so much better as to eclipse those in importance. I feel like a dragon, sitting atop a horde of treasure. It's not that I want to keep the treasure to myself - I long to spread it around. I just can't solve the logistical problem of being drawn to collecting shiny things much faster than I can package them for distribution. So it gives me no pleasure to have to say it like this (and I do apologize sincerely, for I understand that time is guaranteed to no one, myself included), but I look forward to the joy I'll be able to extend several years in the future when I'm finally ready to share the wonderful art I've created over these past few days.

No Community

Notwithstanding my experiences in organized nudism - and whatever inroads I was making on that front were stymied by the COVID lockdowns, and then my subsequent dedication to free-range nudism in the great outdoors. Anyway, nudists are pretty allergic to photography, not to mention any emphasis on the inconvenient fact that some bodies are more beautiful than others. Notwithstanding all that, I say, my nearly 18 years of experience shooting nude photography has, disappointingly, not yielded induction into any kind of community of likeminded artists, as I might have hoped.

Don't get me wrong, sharing photos online is fun. I wouldn't still be doing it after all these years if it weren't. But almost without exception, it has the feel of performing for an audience, rather than contributing to a think tank. I'm just producing disposable content for consumers. I'm not networking with other producers of similar content. I'm not sharing tricks of the trade with other tradesmen. The few artists I've followed over the years have either been professionals entirely out of my league (with, therefore, no chance of opening any kind of mutual dialogue), or amateurs I've seen something of myself in, only to sooner or later be rebuffed because I'm too sex-positive.

To be fair, I'm a bit of a loner and a shut-in. I wonder sometimes if that's the reason why I feel so isolated in this society. I tend to push people away. But I'm also an outlier, and I struggle to find other people like me who I feel I can relate to. I think that if I did, I'd be willing to go out on a limb, to step outside of my comfort zone, for that potential gain. In fact, I've proven that that's the case on at least one prominent occasion. Sadly, it ended in failure.

I just don't find people like that very easily. After considering joining a local photography club, I successfully managed to talk myself out of it. Why? Because, come on. They're not gonna be anything like me. They're gonna jump to conclusions, and associate me with a stereotype I don't even relate to. It's why I don't join photography clubs online. There's pornography, which doesn't have the same goals and aesthetics as I do. And then there's fine art, which sees me - in their myopic worldview - as a deviant and a rogue. Plus, there's the trend these days in websites forcing nude artists to PAY for the privileges other artists get to take advantage of for free.

There is no conclusion to this post, because the issue remains unresolved. They say we have freedom. They tell us to pursue the things that make us happy. But I just feel like an outcast and an outlaw. And it feels ridiculous to campaign for an unimportant thing like personal joy or fulfillment, when people's lives are being thrown away in pointless wars, denied their fundamental rights over arbitrary designations they didn't choose at birth, and driven into debt and poverty through no fault of their own, because they can't afford to pay their own health bills - all while the billionaires keep getting richer! If we can't even get these basic things right, then what hope do I have, to ever be able to live in a world where I can celebrate the beauty of the human body openly, without being treated like a scoundrel or a criminal?

A View From The Sidelines

As you may know, I enjoy playing volleyball. It's a hobby I picked up from my experiences visiting nudist resorts over the last fifteen years. There's an annual tournament I used to like to attend, and this year I returned for the first time since the COVID lockdowns. The best part of the tournament is being able to play volleyball nude with other like-minded (open-minded) people, whether you win or lose. But I won't deny that another part of the fun is getting to sit on the sidelines and watch top level athletes - both men and women - perform at a professional level on the volleyball courts, in the nude.

A particular moment sticks out in my mind, that stirred up a lot of thoughts in my head. It's important to me that I describe this situation with tact, because I don't want to give the wrong impression. Between matches, one of the players stood in my line of sight, not ten feet from where I was standing, to rest and get a quick bite to eat. Although these things are subjective, to my eyes she looked incredible. And hers was a perfect, natural beauty - not the manufactured kind that utilizes plastic surgery and excessive makeup in a gross over-exaggeration of femininity, to stimulate men of poor taste who have only one thing on their minds.

As an artist, I was utterly mesmerized by the scene that had spontaneously formed in front of me. A beautiful young woman, completely nude, amidst a crowd of mostly dressed people (it was a bit chilly that day), in a totally relaxed atmosphere, without spectacle. Keeping in mind the typical demographic of someone who is comfortable being naked in a crowd of strangers, as a female under 40 (under 25, even!), she was doubly exotic. Triply, if you include the fact that she was in prime, athletic shape. I had to inwardly marvel at her calm acceptance of those circumstances. What a wondrous thing! I would hate for it to be ruined - for her to receive anything even remotely resembling negative or unwanted attention.

That said, I couldn't get over how picturesque the scene was. If this had happened on a public street, and I were a street photographer, and I'd snapped that shot, it would have been an award-winning photograph. (At the very least, great promotional material for the tournament). The juxtaposition of bodies, the novelty of the situation, the casualness with which it occurred, and the beauty on display... It goes without saying that this would never happen. Not on a public street - and on the grounds of a nudist camp, photography is strictly prohibited. I can't help that that fact stirs up a conflict within me.

Why should capturing an image of such a thing - such a beautiful, positive, and innocent thing - be forbidden? It kills me that people are the way they are - not the people who make these rules, but the people who behave in such a terrible fashion that these rules become necessary. What does that say about our own humanity, that we can't have nice things because we're so fundamentally rotten to our core? "In the face of beauty, evil was lost"? Rather, "by the hand of evil, beauty is lost". Is it so horrible that a scene like this would be preserved, to be shared with people who did not experience it firsthand, and to exist beyond the fading memory within my brain?

Sure, not everyone would appreciate the image for the "right" reasons. (For my part, my appreciation of the scene was predominantly aesthetic, and not erotic - I would admit it if that weren't the case). As I said, I would hate for the situation to have been ruined by poor behavior in the moment. That's something I like about nudism - that we can all hang out completely naked and still behave like civilized creatures. It's the reason nudist camps have tall fences and strict guidelines, despite how free-minded and laidback we generally are. I wouldn't change that. I just wish it could coexist compatibly with the mindset that beauty is a virtue, while acknowledging the potential for photography to be an innocent expression of that, and not solely the vile and existential threat it is perceived to be, in the unfortunate hands of the depraved*.

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*It won't win me any brownie points to say this, but I would argue that most people who just want to snap a picture of a hottie are pretty harmless. So they might add it to their "spank bank"? So what? There's no harm in that, other than a sociogenically manufactured psychic distress, which is born of a fundamentally sex-negative upbringing. Is it because it might be spread around the internet? I sympathize with the fear of being branded with the stigma we reserve for people our culture sees as having "loose morals" (which would pertain to those who willingly get naked in front of strangers, no matter how innocent the context). But that stigma is unjust. Such a fear only reinforces it. And it's not right, once again, to deny ourselves of what little pleasures this struggle that is life affords us, on account of the flawed nature of the human race. If I could nuke mankind and replace it with a more evolved species, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Meanwhile, I have to exist with the knowledge of what could be - the paradise we could be living in - frustrated by a daily reminder of the trash heap we've relegated ourselves to...

Easy Target

I recently started getting emails again from fotocommunity (I'm not going to link them, for reasons that will soon become clear), a photo-sharing website I prospectively joined years ago but never actually used. I like the idea of sharing a gallery of some of my best photos (maybe my coolest clone shots and loveliest landscape nudes) and, you know, perhaps getting some professional recognition. But I visited again just long enough to confirm that in order to share in and even access the nude gallery, you have to pay for a premium membership (I suspect this is why I never used it to begin with - it's just been so long I've forgotten). Which is the reason I finally deleted my account on Flickr, after the most recent changes (a few years back).

Look, I can understand that, as a website dedicated to art, you want to provide some kind of barrier to make sure the people who contribute to the nude community are serious, and the whole thing doesn't just devolve into a den of smut. I get that. I don't even disagree with it! And also, consumption of nudes is big business, so it's a great way to take people's money. But you need to learn how to distinguish collaborators from consumers*. I wouldn't be there just to browse nudes and satisfy my baser urges. I'm a sophisticated nude artist. With not only years, but decades of experience! (Well, 18 years at last count - my photography is old enough to star in porn!).

I would be contributing good quality content - not just photos, but insight and reflection on other people's works. But you're gonna discriminate against me as an artist, because my chosen specialty is nude photography, and treat me like a lousy pervert, making me PAY you to provide valuable content to YOUR website to draw even more subscriptions (from which I'll never see a stinking dime). I'm not a fool. I'm already engaged in effectively unpaid labor. I'm not gonna give away the fruits of those labors for someone to make a profit off of them, while NOT ONLY leaving me out of the loop, but requiring that I cough up money I don't have so THEY can exploit ME. If somebody did that to me without me voluntarily giving them my consent, it would be a clear violation of my rights! So then why would I agree to that?

It makes me so mad. And there isn't a thing I can do about it, but suffer even more by being excluded from the global community of artists who do something similar to what I do. Am I being unreasonable here? Sometimes I wish someone would come along and finally disabuse me of my principled delusions, and show me a better way to live. But I'm just too damn smart. For me to believe someone who contradicts me, they would have to actually outwit me, to convince me they're right. And there are very few people in the world who could do that - and those that could have absolutely no interest in me (and I don't blame them).

*Although such an arrangement could backfire on me, because they would almost certainly overlook the artistic merit in my pictures, and just see someone who doesn't even use a professional camera, and is willing to take pornographic photos (which, I don't know, displays a fundamental "deviance" in my psychology that would be viewed as "legally unsafe", in terms of trusting me not to breach their walls of etiquette; like as if making erotica means you're a degenerate who lacks any ability to read a room and follow the rules of the hosting platform), and see me as a liability or someone to drag down the fine quality of their gallery.

And this is the world you expect me to have hope for? To struggle within, in order to better myself and others? I know life's not fair, and nobody out there is advocating for me but myself. Nor is there a God up in the sky to guide things, and mete out cosmic justice. But all I ask is for somebody to throw a bone my way. To see my potential and give me an opportunity. I'm willing to work for it. I'm just not going to sacrifice my principles and prostitute myself out for it. That should make me MORE qualified for this kind of a position, not less... But capitalism needs spineless wage slaves, not free-thinking innovators.

Legacy of a Starving Artist

Of course I'd love to profit materially from the art I create. And from a cosmic perspective, I do believe I'm underpaid for the effort I put in, and the quality of work I put out. But neither universal law nor human society has ever been fair.

I obviously don't do it for the money. So, in the grand scheme of things, even were I to be ripped off and die penniless (which I'm pretty sure is gonna happen anyway), I would still be satisfied that I made the art that I made, and that I released it into the world. Even if I don't profit from it.

Its creation and dissemination still represent a net positive from my point of view. Not just because it has given me joy throughout my life - both in the journey (making pictures), and the destination (having pictures to share) - which it has.

But also because the beauty of the unclothed human body is something I believe strongly in. It's something that I want there to be more exposure to in the world. And it's something that powerful forces exert considerable influence to suppress.

It's like we've lost one of the simplest and most satisfying pleasures in life, ever since we left the garden and lost sight of the fundamental divinity inherent to our physical form. And what I'm doing is reminding people of that, even if most of them have fallen from grace and can't recognize it for what it truly is.

I may never be famous or renowned in the art world, even long after I'm dead. But the thought that somewhere, somehow, people might still be passing my images around for generations to come - as an expression of that beauty, and also of the simple pleasure in eroticism (free from the doctrine of shame)...

Well, that would make me happy. And it wouldn't be the worst legacy I could leave to the world, when my time here is done.

Addiction

Nude photography is an addiction. To be fair, there are much worse things to be addicted to in this life. That's for certain. But it doesn't change the fact that nude photography is an addiction.

Maybe you've never tried it - and it might not be for everyone - but I think that running around naked is a lot of fun. You shouldn't need any more justification than that to do it. But being a nude artist is a pretty good excuse. Among other things, it gives you plausible deniability in the case that somebody accuses you of "inappropriate conduct", since we live in a culture that can't seem to separate the beauty and pleasure of nudity from the taboo of sexuality.

Now, in the course of shooting nude photography, every so often you'll snap a picture, review it on your camera, and be blown away by how magnificent it looks. But that doesn't mean you're done. The feeling of accomplishment won't have you packing up and going home. No, the excitement of uncovering something so beautiful will have you wanting to capture another one. So you'll keep at it, and get absorbed in the thrill of the chase. Will the next picture be another sparkling diamond? And who can have too many diamonds?

In the meantime, you'll have more reason to spend even more time running around naked. Chances are, you won't stop until you're exhausted, or it's getting dark and you have to get home, so you can wash up and have dinner. But the next time you have an opportunity - on the next warm day, perhaps - you'll be itching to get out there and do it again. Even if you haven't done anything yet with the pictures you shot last time. And that's how you sink deeper and deeper into the hole...

Is there an escape to this spiraling obsession? I wouldn't know. But please tell me if you find one. ;-p

Unresolved

It sounds counterintuitive - and maybe this makes me a bad artist (although let's be honest, I'll never be great) - but my resolution for this year is to take fewer pictures. It's kind of gotten out of hand, and I need to reel myself in (I'd like to say that I'll focus on quality over quantity, but frequently in my work process, quality has proven itself to be the byproduct of quantity) - and also spend time managing my backlog. I'm spending too much time barrelling forward, and I think that it's actually holding me back.

Maybe I'm wrong, and I have completely the wrong idea about this. I know that doing something a lot is what makes you get better at it. But I need time to manage, too. Not just create. I have years of good stuff I haven't even shared yet, and I need to curate my library of photos, fashion something of a portfolio, and figure out how to present my work to potential new audiences that are missing out. I want to get better at doing those things, too. And I don't want to wait forever to do it. Life is short. Not everybody is as young as I am, and I'm not even as young as I'd like to be. And there'll be nobody invested enough to manage my estate when I'm gone.

This year, I want to think further ahead than just this year.

Tokka Fan Edits

Longtime fan Tokka made these edits of my photos, and I thought they were really cool, so I wanted to show them off (with permission). I love it when my work inspires the creativity of other artists!

While we're thinking about it, this would be a good time to reiterate and articulate my thoughts on copyright. As far as usage of my photos goes, I'm pretty lenient. I know it sounds vague, but use common sense. What does that mean? Well...

I don't mind other people sharing my photos - within reason. Free advertising is great, but don't undermine my subscription model. And make sure to give me credit. I want people coming to ME to see my work, not getting it from somewhere else.

As an example of what not to do, there was an account on Flickr once (this was a little while ago), that was passing my images off as their own, with minor edits that seemed designed to hide their source - like, a lot of my watermarks were deliberately trimmed off.

On the one hand, I was flattered that somebody liked my images enough to want to pretend to be me. But I work hard to create these images. I appreciate being given credit for them.

That said, I am okay with people manipulating my images with artistic intent. As long as you're respectful. I'm a pervert, so sexual themes don't bother me (on the contrary, they can be quite exciting). But if you're making fun of me, or using my images to express an idea I strongly oppose, I'm going to be less happy about it.

You don't technically need my permission to do this, but if you're working with my art, I want to know - because I'd love to see the results! And I'm totally willing to give you credit for your contributions, just as I expect to be credited for what I've contributed (in the form of the images you're manipulating).

I have no intention of passing off your work as my own, not least of all because I don't want your artistic vision to be mistaken for mine. Art is intensely personal. Credit is given where it is due.

But above all, I want to foster a positive and creative atmosphere for other artists to enjoy and even evolve the work I've produced. I want to believe my art is interesting enough to inspire other creative minds!

Hunting Bare

I've spent a lot of time outdoors over the past four summers, in the wake of the pandemic-induced lockdowns of 2020. Two years ago, I published a series of nude-in-nature self-portraits titled Dendrophilia, which was the culmination of eight months (from March to November) I spent exploring the woods, posing naked with distinctive trees. Last year, I published a series titled Bare in the Woods, which saw me posing naked in a bear mask, alongside rivers, in caves, and climbing on rocks.

I don't want to condition you to expect a prominent nature series to be published every year come fall - especially because I could stand to take a hiatus and focus on my backlog, instead of generating more new content - but I do like having projects to work on beyond simply getting out into the wilderness and posing aimlessly in front of the camera. Not that that doesn't have its draw, but I do so much of it already.

This year's project was fairly spontaneous - I had had the idea in my head, but it was only on the spur of the moment that I decided to follow through with it - and represents a much smaller scale effort that I accomplished within just three excursions stretched across only a 10 day period. That said, I had fun shooting it, and I'm pretty happy with the results. I'll be glad to finally retire that bear mask - it's warm, and when I wear it, I can't see, or hear properly; which makes posing difficult, and also limits my ability to monitor the surroundings for approaching hikers.

I value any excuse to spend time naked in nature, especially when there's some purpose beyond that activity, like working on an art project. Although nude recreation should be its own justification (and it is), the rest of society often doesn't see it that way, and so it's a mental comfort to feel even a little bit legitimized by the work that I do. Plus, having a good concept raises my photography one small step above the "fine art nude", which itself suffers from frequent misinterpretation. To wit, it creates a framework through which to share my appreciation of the artistry of the human form, matter-of-factly, and yet with plausible distinction from the tasteless vulgarity that characterizes so much pornography.

Anyway, this is something of a sequel to Bare in the Woods. It pushes my cloning technique to the forefront - which is something that was under-represented in the previous series, and only sporadically featured in Dendrophilia before it - by adding a hunter. With a coonskin cap and a wooden replica rifle, he's something of a nude Davy Crockett. I tell you, I'm glad my "costumes" are so skimpy, because not only is it a chore to lug props through the wilderness, but it gets hot fast wearing anything when I'm running around shooting in the heat. But, they do add some welcome character to my clone shots.

I had no big plans for the narrative, but I was very excited that I was able to shoot a proper climax and conclusion - in the "bear cave", and then with a bear on the mantel above the fireplace in a cabin/pavilion (what a perfect spot!). It's only with luck and a little derring-do that I can shoot in the places I sometimes want to shoot. Opinions vary, but it's a risk I think is worth taking, all in the name of art. -_^

Inventory

I keep the photos I take in folders on my computer labeled by day, sorted into folders by month, and by year. I don't take pictures every day, but I do take them more days than not. Not all of it is self-portraits, of course, but that is my most frequent subject.

Anyway, I've started doing an inventory of all the content I've left unfinished (processing it for sharing) since the fall of 2021 (which is where I left off when Patreon committed its act of injustice against me). Even though all I'm doing is writing folder names down in a text document, as a sort of index to guide me to where there is still work to be done, just getting it organized has been enormously helpful to my headspace. It's no longer a jumbled mess of unidentified folders scattered across three years of photos - it's a neat list I can check off as I go along, getting the work done that's been ignored and piling up for years.

To think that, even now, I'm still recovering from the effects of the way Patreon treated me, and the impact it had on my health (both physically and mentally). If there were any cosmic justice in this universe... but I don't believe in that idealistic bullshit. I've seen too much to maintain such naive delusions. We inflict so much unnecessary suffering on each other, just because we're superstitious about sexual pleasure. I can see a better way; so why doesn't anybody listen to me?

Nevertheless, I'm still trucking along, leaving what impact I can on this world, in the vain hope that when it's all said and done, my having ever existed in the first place will have been worth it. I just wish I'd been born to a more promising species. One that deserved me, and had its shit together enough to recognize the potential in me, and the means to utilize my talents for the betterment of all. Because that's what I want to do. But all I see around me is regression, and the resentment of anyone who promotes progress. Humans are either dumb, or scum. And neither alternative inspires much confidence.

Addendum (2 days later): Much of the relief I felt has evaporated, now that I've completed the inventory and realize how much work there is to be done. Going back to October of 2021 (fully 3 years ago), which is when the backlog starts, there are approximately 200 separate folders (that is, days) worth of photos in various stages of incompletion. Some of these folders might have a handful of photos that need watermarks. A great many of them have multiple videos that need to be canvassed for screen caps - which is a tedious job. We're talking three summers' worth of outdoor recreation, among other things.

I should be glad I have enough content to guarantee posting will continue without undue interruption for years to come, even if I were to put down the camera and not take another shot from this day on (and we both know that's not going to happen). But the task ahead intimidates me, and I know I have a lot of great stuff that I'm excited to share - there's just so much of it that it's going to take a while to sort through it all. And heaven forbid I should have an accident or a medical emergency and miss the chance to release it to the public, or lose the use of my right arm due to excessive clicking and dragging (I'm not even kidding), before all is said and done. (Having anxiety means you frequently think about these sorts of things)...

Workload

I have the will. I have the motivation. I have the attention span. I get up in the morning, and I'm prepared to sit at my desk all day processing photos. It needs to get done. I want to get it done. The backlog is only growing, never shrinking. But I can feel the nerve damage in my arm from too many hours at this computer. My mind's ready to work, but my body is shutting down. What can I do? If I push through it, the damage will get worse. If I put it off, I'm shirking my duties. If I switch to another part of the process - shooting photos rather than processing them - then I'm just sentencing myself to even more work in front of the computer later.

So much of what we do these days is at a computer. My side project (designing a video game) involves working at the computer. My other side project (hosting a blues/rock music log) involves working at the computer. My recreation (playing video games) involves sitting at the computer. Communicating with my family and friends online involves sitting at the computer. And I have to reserve my strength for the marathon task of designing a year-end photobook for my family (mostly not involving self-portraits), which takes up all of November. If I switch from one activity at the computer to another activity at the computer, it doesn't solve the problem. And if I hamper my ability to do one thing at the computer, it will affect everything else I need to do at the computer. I don't have sick leave. I don't have disability. I don't even have a real job, so if I don't hussle doubletime, it makes me feel like I'm not deserving of a paycheck, even though I don't actually get a paycheck (it's insidious how that psychology works).

I think I need to re-evaluate some things. Like why I'm killing myself for a hobby that doesn't pay commensurate to the work I put into it (I know the answer is that I'm passionate about it, but that's not going to keep me intact to continue doing it). I need to re-adjust my attitude about it, and start saying "fuck off" to the email notices that tell me how long it's been since my last upload, and demand (figuratively speaking) that the hosting platform start paying me before it's able to make those kinds of demands on my time. And I really should get a new computer chair, maybe even a new computer desk. It's just so hard to find a chair I like - I bought one the day the lockdowns commenced in March of 2020 (already four years ago), got it home, and didn't even like it. So I'm still sitting in a chair I've had for I don't even remember how long. And you have to match the chair height to the desk height, taking into account the position (and padding) of the arm rests - which aren't always adjustable. How does anyone do it? I'm not made of money, either...

Clones (Three Different Ones)

I just shot this image today. (This is what I do). I'd usually sit on it for months if not years before sharing (only because I've got so much else already in the queue), but I really liked it and wanted to show it off. Plus, it generated some thoughts in my head. Three thoughts - one for each clone depicted.

1) I feel like creating images like this one should earn me a free pass to walk around naked with immunity. "See - it's worth giving me this freedom. I'm making beautiful art!" Not only would I not have to sneak around - imagine the interesting images I could come up with in the city!

2) I know that asking my fans whether I'm a talented artist is preaching to the choir, but I can't really show off my best works to an impartial audience for evaluation, because the very subject of my art - nudity - is taboo! But I really want to be acknowledged, and told that my skill has improved (compare: my first clone shot from 16 years ago), and that there really is something to what I'm doing here. I mean, I already believe it. But I need the psychological reinforcement, from somebody who doesn't just think I'm hot (because - I'm sorry for the stereotype, but it's statistically true - perverts are known to be indiscriminate towards matters of artistic taste).

3) I feel like the images I create are more interesting (because they're novel) than the dime-a-dozen images of naked women you'll find in artist society. But people won't even give them a chance, because they're conditioned to view men's bodies in a certain, limited way. I started this journey with zero interest in the aesthetics of male nudity, but I've totally turned myself around. People are missing out on a wonderful new kind of beauty, because they're too narrow-minded. Maybe what I do helps in some small way. But change takes too long. I'll be rotting in my grave before I can see the fruits of my labors. What's the point of that? I mean, I'll still do it. But what kind of bumbling fool designed things this way?

"What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering."

- from Catch-22, by Joseph Heller

Keep Pushin'

I'm torn in three directions right now. Finish posting the stuff from January, since I prefer to release material chronologically? Post what I just shot, to keep it relevant to the season? Or continue working through my backlog, to bring my older material up to date? (And spending time contemplating it only exacerbates the problem). Although having a buffer of content ready for release takes some pressure off of the stress of being pushed to maintain a regular posting schedule, I don't like the feeling of being drowned in my own work.

In a perfect world, I would post what I have as soon as I have it, and I wouldn't be pressured by my hosting platform with the threat of losing subscribers (or even my account) if I need to take several months' rest before I'm inspired to produce something new. This is a fear I have - periods of drought - even though in practical reality, I have the opposite problem: I produce so much, I can't process it (let alone release it) fast enough.

Every so often (as I've done before) I tell myself, from here on out, anything new I produce I'll release right away, so it doesn't add to the considerable backlog I'm already dealing with. But every single time, without fail, I end up producing so much I simply can't keep up with it. And so in the end I'll have sporadic bouts of releases, with other shoots left by the wayside, and a backlog that keeps growing, instead of shrinking.

And the result is, I'm left with a chaotic mess, and it's a struggle just to keep things organized. And I like things organized. The only thing that would help my problem is if I stopped taking pictures. But I love taking pictures! And, well, I have a compulsion to do it. Though I don't think it's a bad problem to have - being too prolific. It's not like an unhealthy addiction. It's good for my art, because I'm constantly getting experience, and the more pictures you take, the more likely you are to get some great ones along the way.

So I guess I'll just keep pushin' on. For now, at least. I just wish I got paid more to do it. Even minimum wage part time would seem like an embarrassment of riches to this starving artist...

Destined For Nudist Retirement

So, we're heading in to another summer season, and I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to keep up with my output as a photographer. I still have pictures from January to share - to say nothing of the two-and-a-half year backlog I'm working through. I keep telling myself I'm going to learn how to enjoy nude recreation without taking pictures, but to be honest - and I guess this is something I'll never agree with nudists on - as enjoyable as just being nude in the great outdoors is, I derive a significant amount of pleasure from the artistic challenge of creating beautiful images of naked beauty. It gives me an excuse to be out there, it gives me something to do while I'm out there, and it keeps me in shape.

The problem is, I can't keep up with my own output, and I'm worried that as I grow older, I won't have the stamina to satisfy that drive - and although I might be able to spend my "retirement" sitting comfortably in front of a computer screen, processing photos from summers past, I can already tell you that spending hours upon hours meticulously clicking a mouse is exhausting in its own way, and my productivity is only going to decline with age.

Maybe I should just buy a plot on the grounds of a nudist camp, where I'd have no choice but to put my camera in storage, join a naked volleyball league, and learn to enjoy the immediate day-to-day pleasure of being surrounded by (mostly) like-minded naked people. Even though they would mostly be old and out of shape - as I might someday be (I can't avoid getting old, but I'd like to believe I'll still be able to keep myself in shape) - there's always the promise of an occasional visitor, exceptionally young and fit, to look forward to seeing on the grounds every now and then.

I don't think that makes me a villain (and I think a lot of nudists would agree, if they were being honest). It just isn't fair to lump those who appreciate beauty in with those who would seek to abuse and exploit it. But if that makes me a villain, then we might as well just burn this whole twisted world to the ground. For - to paraphrase George R. R. Martin - only a monster god would give a man eyes and tell him he must forever keep them shut, and never look at all the beauty in the world.

Filter Emojis

Advertising nude photography is challenging, to say the least - I could say a whole lot more about that, but that's not the purpose of this post. Suffice to say, it's a sensitive subject; one that not everyone is comfortable with, carries a lot of stigma, often runs afoul of community standards, and may sometimes even come into conflict with the law (since we humans weirdly have a complex about the bodies we all inhabit, and love to punish people just for looking at them). Nevertheless, while it hasn't been a groundswell by any means, the curiosity I've been met with when hinting about the focus of my artistic work is greater than zero. So, I've been toying with the idea of releasing a gallery portfolio of some of what I feel are my best and most marketable images. Not to shove in anybody's faces, but to provide as a voluntary option for those with some interest.

Of course, I would want it to be as accessible as possible, while also not undermining my mission statement, which is to exhibit the beauty (and sometimes eroticism) of the human body, absent arbitrary and superficial taboos surrounding our anatomy. Toward that end, I've been brainstorming ways to categorize and filter my images, so as to enable viewers to cater the experience of browsing my portfolio to their individual comfort level - so that general audiences could "step into the gallery" (metaphorically speaking, as it would almost certainly be done online), confident that they're not going to be exposed to anything they'd prefer not to see, while at the same time giving bolder viewers the option to see more.

And I think I've come up with a system that's fun, but effective, while also being inoffensive - which is to say, it won't require the most sensitive of viewers to endure a bunch of language or symbolism describing or depicting the very things they wish to avoid. It's based around the usage of common emojis to symbolize levels of exposure that will be encountered in my photography, so viewers can choose how much they're comfortable with seeing. Now, I could have gone with a food-based theme, based on popular trends. But I decided instead to use a space/weather/science theme, which is a little bit less ribald (I mean, looking at symbols of peaches and eggplants is pretty suggestive all by itself), but allows for a pretty effective gradation of exposure and coverage of themes. Plus, I relate more to science and weather than food. Anyway, tell me what you think of it. I'll provide examples of each category, both for demonstration, and because I think that will be fun.

[Cloud] (example)
"Fully dressed."
(Basically just a background/default category, but could describe some of my fashion/glamour portraits).

[Mostly Cloudy/Partly Sunny] (example)
"Dressed, but in minimal clothing."
(This could be useful for describing some of my skimpier outfits, including swimsuits and underwear.)

[Partly Cloudy/Mostly Sunny] (example)
"Effectively naked, but with the sensitive bits covered."
(This would be a great category for the safest of my nudes; the kind where I'm either posed coyly or with an object or feature of the environment blocking the view.)

I imagine that the above categories would be revealed by default, since they show nothing scandalous, or that would get anybody into trouble. And though that definitely includes blatant implied nudity, that is the name of the game, after all.

[Crescent Moon] (example)
"Partially exposed buttocks."
(These are relatively safe nudes - all things considered - but slightly more scandalous and less coy than the Partly Cloudy category.)

[Full Moon] (example)
"Fully exposed buttocks."
(Pretty self-explanatory. Definitely cheeky, if you'll forgive the pun, but still tamer than full frontal nudity. This is stuff they don't even bother to censor on Naked and Afraid.)

[Sun] (example)
"Full frontal nudity."
(Here's the bread and butter of my artistic showcase. I think many of my frontal nudes are relatively innocuous, but society has this weird hangup about genitals. Go figure.)

[Dark Side of the Moon] (example)
"Explicit nudity from the back."
(Because sometimes you can see everything from the back - and I don't mean just the butt. And I feel like that's, in a way, more explicit than seeing it from the front.)


The next two categories probably won't be included in a public gallery. Not because I don't have a lot of great art that crosses the line into explicit eroticism, but because anything that could credibly be described as "pornographic" runs the added risk of legal complications. But I include them here for the sake of completion.

[Star] (example)
"Absolute exposure - nothing is left to the imagination."
(Reserved for images that feature graphic nudity, in a way that is less likely to be considered tastefully erotic, and more likely to be interpreted as outright pornographic.)

[Rocket] (example)
"Contains explicit themes of sexuality."
(I've gotta have a category for my beautiful erection photos, right? I mean, not for public consumption, I guess - but theoretically speaking...).

Finally, we have three more designations that could be added as modifiers. The first two to temper the severity of a given category, and the last to enhance it. I could imagine using them to gently guide viewers to step outside of their comfort zone (only with their consent), or in the last case, to caution viewers about particularly arresting images (with the option, of course, to disable such warnings if desired).

[Fog] (example)
"Anatomy is visible but partially obscured."
(There are always going to be images that straddle the line or defy categorization. This way I can denote those exceptions without excluding or misidentifying them.)

[Telescope] (example)
"Anatomy is visible, but only from a distance."
(Because I feel that at a certain distance, even full-on nudity loses much of its sting, and that fact deserves recognition.)

[Microscope] (example)
"Anatomy is visible up close and in detail."
(I don't know how many close-up shots I would include in a public gallery, but they definitely pack more of a punch, and I feel that deserves its own warning.)

Anyway, this is just a proof of concept. There's still the matter of implementing such a filtering system in the context of a photo gallery, which I'm not sure yet how I'm gonna manage (I'm better with ideas than implementation). But I really like the concept. I think it's playful, and I think it suits my needs quite well. And it's fun to look through my photos and figure out how each one would be categorized under this system. There are borderline cases of course, but I think it's fairly comprehensive!