I have the will. I have the motivation. I have the attention span. I get up in the morning, and I'm prepared to sit at my desk all day processing photos. It needs to get done. I want to get it done. The backlog is only growing, never shrinking. But I can feel the nerve damage in my arm from too many hours at this computer. My mind's ready to work, but my body is shutting down. What can I do? If I push through it, the damage will get worse. If I put it off, I'm shirking my duties. If I switch to another part of the process - shooting photos rather than processing them - then I'm just sentencing myself to even more work in front of the computer later.
So much of what we do these days is at a computer. My side project (designing a video game) involves working at the computer. My other side project (hosting a blues/rock music log) involves working at the computer. My recreation (playing video games) involves sitting at the computer. Communicating with my family and friends online involves sitting at the computer. And I have to reserve my strength for the marathon task of designing a year-end photobook for my family (mostly not involving self-portraits), which takes up all of November. If I switch from one activity at the computer to another activity at the computer, it doesn't solve the problem. And if I hamper my ability to do one thing at the computer, it will affect everything else I need to do at the computer. I don't have sick leave. I don't have disability. I don't even have a real job, so if I don't hussle doubletime, it makes me feel like I'm not deserving of a paycheck, even though I don't actually get a paycheck (it's insidious how that psychology works).
I think I need to re-evaluate some things. Like why I'm killing myself for a hobby that doesn't pay commensurate to the work I put into it (I know the answer is that I'm passionate about it, but that's not going to keep me intact to continue doing it). I need to re-adjust my attitude about it, and start saying "fuck off" to the email notices that tell me how long it's been since my last upload, and demand (figuratively speaking) that the hosting platform start paying me before it's able to make those kinds of demands on my time. And I really should get a new computer chair, maybe even a new computer desk. It's just so hard to find a chair I like - I bought one the day the lockdowns commenced in March of 2020 (already four years ago), got it home, and didn't even like it. So I'm still sitting in a chair I've had for I don't even remember how long. And you have to match the chair height to the desk height, taking into account the position (and padding) of the arm rests - which aren't always adjustable. How does anyone do it? I'm not made of money, either...
La situation semble désespérée, sans issus. Que j'aimerais te venir en aide d'une façon ou d'une autre (sauf monétairement, j'ai un budget très serré). Tu es un artiste dans l'âme, c'est ta motivation, ta pulsion irrésistible de créer, Impossible de résister mais la tache a malheureusement des conséquences physiques sur toi. Où est la baguette magique pour t'aider à résoudre ce problème.
ReplyDeleteAs for those who put pressure on you, I think they don't really appreciate your art at its true value, all the efforts you put into everything you do. I wait for you to put new photos and videos online and each time it's a joy for me. Don't shoot the artist, respect him and love him 💖💖💖
It's not even people. It's algorithms written by greedy capitalists (or, more likely, the mindless machines they trust to think for them) who see labor only as potential profit to be maximized, no matter the human cost.
DeleteSorry for the comment in french. Here is the translation. ''The situation seems hopeless, with no way out. I would like to help you in some way (except financially, I have a very tight budget). You are an artist at heart, it is your motivation, your irresistible urge to create, Impossible to resist but the task unfortunately has physical consequences on you. Where is the magic wand to help you solve this problem.'' Very sad about the algorithms and AI controlling us. Peoples and machines against freedom, very very sad world.
ReplyDeleteLol, it's the 21st century; language is no barrier. :-p I won't say I understood it all (before I put it in the translator), but it was fun to read the French - reminded me of my foreign language studies in high school.
DeleteI can identify with you about the computer chair. I have one where the arm rests are so hard I have to drape towels over them to keep my arms from going asleep, and the height of the chair constantly drops — sometimes in an instant — I repeatedly find myself raising it back up, over and over again. I've been shopping for a new chair, but haven't found one yet that I want to put the money down to try.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your frustration. I appreciate your artistic expression, and I have gotten immense enjoyment from it for years now.
Are you sure you're not describing MY chair? lol
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