Dropping The Other Shoe

I started the day in a hopeful mood; I just took my whole family out to vote, followed by a celebratory "democracy brunch" at our favorite local restaurant (which just happens to be owned and operated by immigrants). As an aside, the bill came out to about half of what I earn in an entire year as an artist these days (it wasn't that expensive, that's just how little I make). I know things are really bleak right now, but I genuinely see a bright future ahead of us. Perhaps I'm being idealistic (and I've certainly got my sleeves rolled up, because the work's not going to do itself), but I believe that as bad as things have gotten, it's finally galvanized enough of us to recognize the problems with our system, and motivate us to fix them.

But now, things have taken an ominous turn, and I'm feeling a bit disheartened again. Although it's not unrelated to politics, it (probably) has nothing to do with voting (although the administration's techno-fascist stranglehold on social media is enough to make me wonder - like how Zuckerberg de-platformed No Kings on Instagram during their nationwide protest last weekend). Blogger delisted one of my posts today. I'm going to gloss over the fact that it wouldn't even tell me which post - I had to sift through thousands of them to find it, but it turned out to be a post in which I had recently replaced a video with a subscription link (as discussed previously). Normally, in these circumstances, the best strategy is to lay low. But, out of frustration - and perhaps some level of spite - I pressed the button to request a review. Now, this is one of those cases where technically, I may indeed be in violation of the rule, but it's the rule itself that's unfair. The result, though, is that I may very well lose this blog in short order.

And it seems to me, that it's not much of a stretch to interpret this whole mess as my livelihood being threatened by AI - since its tendrils are being felt increasingly every day. Just recently, on JustForFans, I've been having content tags "recommended" on videos I've uploaded. What this says to me is that they have AI scanning every video uploaded (because there's no way they have enough biological eyeballs to do that work). And that terrifies me. Because no matter how many times the people behind JFF assure us otherwise, I do not trust for one second that this AI is not absorbing my content and feeding it into the hivemind. Without compensation (as the techbros grow ever fatter on our labor), and without my consent.

I know it's passe to even talk about privacy these days, but when mass video surveillance became ubiquitous, people (rightfully) had concerns about their privacy. Not only those who feared no longer being able to commit crimes in obscurity, either. I don't feel that I can even get into all the reasons right now, but the notion that "if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" is bogus. Privacy is valuable even to people who aren't criminals, not least of which because it's easier to "profile" and discriminately target people the more you know about them. Also, the law isn't the only thing that can hurt people who don't conform. There are plenty of people who just want to do their own thing without hurting anybody, but also without being judged and shamed or singled out for their outlying behaviors.

Anyway, I've long felt that the dangers of mass surveillance were strongly mitigated by the limitations of human eyeballs. It doesn't matter so much that there's a camera on every street corner, because you couldn't possibly have someone watching the feed every second of every day. You run it on a loop, and if there's, say, a report of a crime, then law enforcement can pull up the records within so many days and specifically watch the relevant portion. Otherwise, all those hours of meaningless footage gets lost, as it should be.

AI changes that. AI can watch every second of every day. We're getting closer and closer to Big Brother. And that's scary enough, but knowing how imperfect AI is - false positives are rampant right now. It'd be bad enough if every violation, no matter how minor, on social media was litigated, but to think of how many innocent people are being swept up in these raids... I worry about the chilling effect this is going to have on people's speech. How long will somebody like myself - an honest artisan of the erotic arts - even be able to exist outside of the gated warrens of the adult sector, where people are treated like subhuman animals without rights or plain human dignity? Let alone, the limitations it places on the reach of my voice.

I have no leverage, but more importantly, I have no community. I want to join a union. I want to talk to other people who do the same kind of things I do, and have the same kind of issues I have. Granted, I'm a loner, so networking doesn't come naturally to me. But am I completely out of bounds in thinking that maybe we're being deliberately isolated, so that we can't work together? Usually, you can find discussion forums somewhere where people are talking about how crappy a product is (like a social media platform, for example). Every time I've had a problem with sites like Patreon, OnlyFans, and JustForFans, all I can pull up in search is ads for those services, and content (how are other people selling their stuff if every effort I've made to self-advertise - something that doesn't come naturally to me - is met with hardened resistance?). Even their subReddits are relatively empty, or devoid of any meaningful meta-commentary. Am I the only human being on this planet who produces pornography and has a rational, thinking mind? I know that can't be true, but I'd be inclined to believe it from what little I've been able to find out there...

In lieu of polishing this post, I'm just going to publish it, because I don't know how much longer I'm going to have a platform with which to raise my voice. :-/

Aiming For My Foot

I'm taking a risk in even bringing this up - not least of all because talking about it removes any plausible deniability (the defense of ignorance), but also because drawing attention to your own misdeeds is obviously a fool's errand. But I am nothing if not transparently honest (even to my own detriment), and I want to take this opportunity to point out an injustice, as well as plead my case. All of my posts on this blog are backed up, but that doesn't eliminate the serious inconvenience and, more importantly, considerable emotional harm it would cause me if this blog I've been writing on for the last 16(!) years suddenly vanished.

When I started up my computer today and navigated to the Blogger dashboard, I received a notice of changes to the Content Policy, which will become effective on December 16. A link to the policy provides no indication of what has changed, and since I don't have the policy memorized, I can but guess. (I'm sure that's a strategic choice by the company - to maintain a position of power by keeping the userbase in the dark). One part in particular stood out to me, although I have reason to believe that it is not a new rule - just one that I had most likely ignored in the past, because it had no relevance for me at the time.

Rest assured, adult content will still be permitted. Blogger teased revoking that privilege once before (over 10 years ago - where does the time go?) and, to its credit, backed down amid a shitstorm of justified outrage. The part that concerns me is the one that outlaws the monetization of adult content. First, some background.

I'm an artist. I'm also a free thinker. I started this blog 16 years ago to explore subjects that run adjacent to my artistic pursuit - pondering questions about the aesthetics of beauty, and the place of nudity and sexuality not just in art but society overall - as much as to share some of the art I produce. Back then, monetization wasn't even on the periphery of my vision. Nude self-portrait photography started as a private hobby, and only grew over the years into my life's passion.

It's only been in the past six years or so, with the proliferation of independent creator-oriented platforms like OnlyFans and its competitors, that I've been able to start getting back a fraction of the value I expend making the art I enjoy sharing with appreciative and like-minded audiences. Eight years ago, I participated in a personal project that involved posting my art daily for an entire year (in tribute to the first such project I engaged in, ten years prior, which marked my formal introduction to the exciting world of nude photography), right here on this blog.

Now, Blogger has never been the ideal platform for video content. I had toyed with the idea of selling my videos on XTube in the past. However, although I do not place limits on myself when it comes to exploring the gratifying realm of physical pleasure, my work is primarily oriented toward artistic nudity, and I resent having to resort to narrowly focused and frankly distasteful porn sites in order to share it. That said, there are no real alternatives. I can't post the kind of videos I produce on YouTube - the platform would never allow it.

In any case, the project in question occurred at a time after XTube had gone belly up, and before I started experimenting with OnlyFans and its ilk. It's only in the past year that I have gone back and begun replacing the videos I've posted here on this blog (itself an endeavor I've been working on for almost a full year now) with links to my subscription site on JustForFans. Which I am only now realizing is likely against the rules (albeit depending on your interpretation of the wording). But isn't that my prerogative? Why am I being singled out because my vocation involves nudity or sexuality? It's not like there aren't content filters in place.

This is a capitalist country. More so than a religious conservative haven, or a nanny state (because, unfortunately, neither conservatives nor liberals have the market cornered on sexual repression). We have individual liberties. If I choose to do this work (legally!), and share it with consenting audiences, why am I not permitted to advertise it, and seek new customers? We have an administration that is getting filthy rich by lying, cheating, and stealing, while dismantling our federal government and the world order. Yet I'm facing the possibility of losing 16 years of work, just because I thought I might be able to get a few bucks out of it - fairly? No, I don't accept that! I'm not going to comply in advance. If you want to take me down, then fuck you. But I'm not changing who I am.

Vote for Democracy

To my audience in the United States, please vote. Our democracy depends on it.

I know that politics can be dull, hard to follow, and often divisive. Under normal circumstances, the two parties we're stuck with tend to seem more alike than different. I spent much of my adult life identifying as a conscientious non-voter, so I get it. But these aren't normal circumstances. Not only is the current administration corrupt and incompetent to an unprecedented degree, but it's attacking our Constitutional rights, and indeed the very foundation of our democracy.

Immigration raids. Concentration camps. Data centers. Crypto scams. The price of gasoline. Gutting social services. The rising cost of health care. Preventable epidemics. Deregulating food safety. Censoring the media. Stealing taxpayer money to fund vanity projects. Sacrificing our natural resources to Big Industry, amid an escalating climate crisis. All the lies! Sabotaging our elections. Dismantling the separation of powers. Compromising the courts. Weaponizing the justice system. Demolishing the White House. Misusing the Presidential pardon. Unilaterally starting a war of choice in the Middle East, with devastating economic repercussions for the entire world. Threatening our allies. Colluding with our enemies. And I haven't even mentioned the Epstein Files coverup! The list of grievances just goes on and on and on and on...

Although we can't vote out the President in this midterm election, there is still much at stake. The MAGA movement appears to be cracking under the pressure of its universally unpopular Christian nationalist agenda. Our Republican representatives in Congress refuse to hold the administration accountable for its numerous crimes against the law, our Constitution, and humanity. But if we can vote enough progressive Democrats into office, we can start to turn the tide.

Make no mistake, this will only be the beginning of a long period of reconstruction. But it could be the start of an exciting transformation. We, the people, have the power to guide this country into a future greater than it has ever seen before. To re-assert our rights, and make sure the government gets back to doing what we created it for - public service, not exploiting the populace for the benefit of ultra-rich campaign donors.

But to do this, we need YOUR vote. Don't sit this one out (or the next one, or the one after that). Let the crooks at the top know where you stand. Because they WILL take your silence as consent. And the only thing evil needs to triumph, is for good people to do nothing. So do something. Get out there and make your voice heard!

I hope to see you at the polls this Erection Day (or sooner, if you can swing it). Nothing would make me happier.

A Requiem For The Summer

As I write this, I'm still riding the high from this past weekend's nude volleyball tournament. A good mix of Type 1 and Type 2 fun. Sleeping in a tent, dodging the rain, dealing with crowded bathrooms, joining yet another misfit team - who this year didn't win a single game. These were not my favorite parts; and there were moments where I found myself wondering if I should have just stayed home. But by the closing ceremonies Sunday evening, I had been pulled into the magic of it all, and I didn't want it to end. I'll definitely be back next year, and maybe seek some other opportunities in the interim (pending financial and weather-related considerations, in addition to scheduling).

After all, it's not often that I get to practice naked on a real court, let alone in a team setting, with other naked people. People who genuinely seem to like me - some of whom I've known for well over a decade now, but only get to see in this context. And I always enjoy playing volleyball, even when we don't win. I was mostly just frustrated not to be able to play up to my full potential. I've been practicing a lot, for what little opportunities that I have, and my skills have improved greatly since I started playing some 15 years ago. I won a trophy all the way back in 2016, when I was still a relative novice; I want to win one in a higher skill bracket, to reflect my growth - before age starts catching up with me.

With sincere apologies to the gentleman who asked me to dance at the masquerade ball (I've inevitably disappointed many men over the years, but I can't help my programming), the highlight of the weekend was hitting the ball around with two of the younger, female referees in between games. It would have made for a striking image (I'm sorry, but I can't help thinking like a photographer) - the two of them dressed and me fully naked, although it didn't feel the least bit unusual in the moment.

If that's the reward (fleeting though it was) for putting in the work to improve my skills (and thereby build my confidence), then it was worth every minute of exertion I've endured - to be able to participate in a meaningful interaction with somebody attractive, and not just stand on the sidelines. It's enough to keep me motivated to continue improving. I hate to sound like a cliche, but these forces are very powerful by design, and even I am not immune to them. Honestly, I'm just relieved I can hold my own against actual, trained volleyball players. Like that one time I joined a team of college girls on the beaches of Lake Michigan...

How dull life seems to me now, when you avoid the risks that lead to adventure. I just wish I hadn't spent so many years letting my fears get in the way of that. There's a certain cruelty in having to trade the vitality and resilience of your youth for the experience that brings wisdom and confidence. Life is short enough already, for its peak to be such a narrow band of years when the two divergent forces meet in the middle. And by then, it's too late to start building a foundation for anything substantial.

I've had a taste of the social cachet that's conferred to jocks in our culture, and I'm hungry for more! (That's something I never I thought I'd hear myself say). Even as, sadly, we're winding down to the end of summer, and heading in to that long period of the year when I essentially enter hibernation. Soon I'll be sitting at my computer day in and day out, managing my vast (and growing) photo library, while waiting for the weather to turn warm again. It's essential work, and the safety of not poking my head out into the world constantly is comforting. But I have increasingly begun to feel like I thrive best when I spend a lot of time outside being active. Yet every time I get into that zone, and face the realization that it can't be sustained indefinitely, I worry about the cost of losing momentum.

All good things may come to an end, but I'm determined that there be more good things to come, waiting just beyond the next horizon. But I can't just sit around waiting for them to happen, or they never will. I must remain vigilant. For I am the architect of my own fortune. Nobody else is going to do it for me.

Indecent Exposure in 50 States

As much fun as it would be to share images of me getting naked in every state in the union (how's that for a road trip idea?), this post is just going to be a discussion of indecent exposure laws across the United States. You see, I was thinking about the non-landed nudist club I like to fantasize about running - it would be dedicated to meeting up with like-minded adventurers to participate in nude recreational activities in the great outdoors. It's not the most practical idea; not least of all because I'm a reclusive hermit, but also, who wants to meet naked strangers in the wilderness, far from civilization? But it reflects one of my favorite pastimes, and it would be cool to share that hobby with other people (at least hypothetically). And it occurred to me that I should probably be more than passing familiar with the indecent exposure laws in my area. One thing led to another; I was comparing the wording of statutes across neighboring states, when I decided to just canvass the entire nation. And now I want to share with you what I found.

I'll begin with the obligatory disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, and absolutely no part of any of what follows is intended to constitute legal advice. I think common sense goes a long way with respect to getting naked where others might see you, but if you truly want to cover your ass (at least metaphorically), I would consult a lawyer. Generally, indecent exposure is usually classed as a misdemeanor, but there are often provisions for an escalation of penalties for repeat offenses (so called second or third strike laws), or for any offense committed in front of a child (variably defined). You never know who's going to come around that corner at the worst possible time; and while indecent exposure sometimes falls under the heading of "crimes against public morality and decency" (or something similar), I have seen a lot of cases where it's considered a sexual offense, even lumped in with obscenity, and cozying up obnoxiously close to prostitution laws (and worse). I don't think you need me to tell you what a drag it would be to end up on a sex offenders registry.

With that pleasantness out of the way (I'm a bit of an idealist on this point, but I lament that the image of people walking around naked that exists in most people's heads is one characterized by deviant perversion and not innocent purity, as it should be), I'd like to analyze some of the similarities and differences I've encountered in the indecent exposure laws (or closest facsimile) for each state, which I've transcribed below. While I cannot make any guarantee, I have tried to ensure that each code excerpt is accurate and up to date. For the sake of brevity, I've cut out all but the most salient points with regards to exposing one's genitals in public and/or in front of other people. I've included links should you want to read the full text. Most of these laws include additional provisions governing public displays of sexual activity (I figure that kinda goes without saying). Also excluded below are exceptions carved out for breastfeeding mothers, which I've encountered in the following states: Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Idaho, Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, North Carolina, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin, Wyoming.

Now, on to the meat of the subject. There are many discrepancies across states about what constitutes "indecent exposure", in terms of which parts of the body we're talking about. Generally speaking, the genitals (or "sex organs") and anus (I feel like you really have to be trying, to expose your anus) are mentioned, but whether or not that includes buttocks and female breasts (thong enthusiasts and topfreedom advocates take heed) is not always clear. There is almost always a requirement that the offender's behavior either be conducted with sexual intent, and/or be performed under circumstances in which the offender does or should (sometimes it's one and not the other) know that his behavior will cause affront or alarm (or various other words for distress) to an unsuspecting and/or nonconsenting party. Which is why - as Florida (organized nudism capital of the United States) explicitly articulates - nudist gatherings, sufficiently insulated from public view, are usually permitted under law.

In some cases, there are separate provisions for private behaviors, criminalizing indecent exposure behind closed doors (or in front of open windows). Sometimes, but not always, there are exceptions made for spouses or, less frequently, co-habitators (providing a little leeway for nudism at home). As always, you should consult the full text of the law in your state before engaging in any potentially risky behaviors, and cross-reference it with local laws for the area in question - which may include even more restrictive provisions than the state code, as is the case in some parts of the reputationally free-wheeling state of Vermont.

All of this leads me to confirm my belief that, other than the "safety in numbers" approach of organized bike rides and protests, the safest way to get naked where others might see you is to stick to less populated areas (like remote hiking trails) - theoretically, there's no crime if nobody sees you - and to make an effort to cover up if somebody does happen upon you unexpectedly - demonstrating a lack of intent to cause affront or alarm. I know, it's tempting to want to spread awareness and try to normalize the occurrence of nude recreation. I get it. But I guarantee you this is not the most effective way of doing that. Consider that people can be made aware of your choice to engage in nude recreation without exposing yourself in a way that makes you criminally liable, or that callously disregards any consideration to the diversity of perspectives and sensitivities that exists among the population. In other words, you can make your point without swinging your dong in somebody's face, to say nothing of shoving it down their throat. And, on that subject, it goes without saying that the instant sex gets added to the mix, you're taking your liberty into your own hands (among other things ;-p).

Without further ado, here are the indecent exposure laws in all 50 states of the union:

Alabama: "A person commits the crime of indecent exposure if, with intent to arouse or gratify sexual desire of himself or herself...he or she exposes his or her genitals under circumstances in which he or she knows the conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm."

Alaska: "An offender commits the crime of indecent exposure...if the offender knowingly exposes the offender's genitals in the presence of another person with reckless disregard for the offensive, insulting, or frightening effect the act may have."

Arizona: "A person commits indecent exposure if he or she exposes his or her genitals or anus or she exposes the areola or nipple of her breast or breasts and another person is present, and the defendant is reckless about whether the other person, as a reasonable person, would be offended or alarmed by the act."

Arkansas: "A person commits indecent exposure if, with the purpose to arouse or gratify a sexual desire of himself or herself or of any other person, the person exposes his or her sex organs in a public place or in public view; or under circumstances in which the person knows the conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm."

California: "Every person who willfully and lewdly...exposes his person, or the private parts thereof, in any public place, or in any place where there are present other persons to be offended or annoyed thereby...such as is offensive to decency, or is adapted to excite to vicious or lewd thoughts or acts, is guilty..."

Colorado: "Any person who performs...a knowing exposure of the person's genitals to the view of a person under circumstances in which such conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to the other person...in a public place or where the conduct may reasonably be expected to be viewed by members of the public commits public indecency."

Connecticut: "A person is guilty of public indecency when he performs...a lewd exposure of the body with intent to arouse or to satisfy the sexual desire of the person. ...For the purposes of this section, 'public place' means any place where the conduct may reasonably be expected to be viewed by others."

Delaware: "A person is guilty of lewdness when the person does any lewd act in any public place or any lewd act which the person knows is likely to be observed by others who would be affronted or alarmed."

Florida: "A person commits unlawful exposure of sexual organs by: exposing or exhibiting his or her sexual organs in public or on the private premises of another, or so near thereto as to be seen from such private premises, in a vulgar or indecent manner; or being naked in public in a vulgar or indecent manner. ...The exposure of sexual organs by...an individual who is merely naked at any place provided or set apart for that purpose...does not violate this section."

Georgia: "A person commits the offense of public indecency when he or she performs any of the following acts in a public place: ...a lewd exposure of the sexual organs; a lewd appearance in a state of partial or complete nudity..."

Hawaii: "A person commits the offense of indecent exposure if, the person intentionally exposes the person's genitals to a person to whom the person is not married under circumstances in which the actor's conduct is likely to cause affront."

Idaho: "A person is guilty of a misdemeanor if the person willfully and lewdly...exposes his or her genitals; exposes developed female breasts, including the areola and nipple...in any public place or in any place where there is present another person or persons who are offended thereby."

Illinois: "Any person of the age of 17 years and upwards who performs...a lewd exposure of the body done with intent to arouse or to satisfy the sexual desire of the person...in a public place commits a public indecency."

Indiana: "A person who knowingly or intentionally appears in a public place in a state of nudity commits public nudity. ...As used in this section, 'nudity' means the showing of the human male or female genitals, pubic area, or buttocks with less than a fully opaque covering, the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of any part of the nipple, or the showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state."

Iowa: "A person who exposes the person's genitals or pubic area to another not the person's spouse...commits a serious misdemeanor if all of the following apply...the person does so to arouse or satisfy the sexual desires of either party...the person knows or reasonably should know that the act is offensive to the viewer."

Kansas: "Lewd and lascivious behavior is...publicly exposing a sex organ or exposing a sex organ in the presence of a person who is not the spouse of the offender and who has not consented thereto, with intent to arouse or gratify the sexual desires of the offender or another."

Kentucky: "A person is guilty of indecent exposure...when he intentionally exposes his genitals under circumstances in which he knows or should know that his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm..."

Louisiana: "The crime of obscenity is the intentional...exposure of the genitals, pubic hair, anus, vulva, or female breast nipples in any public place or place open to the public view...with the intent of arousing sexual desire or which appeals to prurient interest or is patently offensive."

Maine: "A person is guilty of indecent conduct if...in a public place...the actor knowingly exposes the actor's genitals under circumstances that in fact are likely to cause affront or alarm."

"A person is guilty of indecent conduct if...in a private place, the actor exposes the actor's genitals with the intent that the actor be seen from a public place or from another private place."

"A person is guilty of indecent conduct if...in a private place, the actor exposes the actor's genitals with the intent that the actor be seen by another person in that private place under circumstances that the actor knows are likely to cause affront or alarm."

Maryland: "A person may not commit the common law crime of indecent exposure."

Massachusetts: "...persons guilty of indecent exposure shall be punished..."

Michigan: "A person shall not knowingly make any open or indecent exposure of his or her person or of the person of another."

Minnesota: "A person who...willfully and lewdly exposes the person's body, or the private parts thereof...in any public place, or in any place where others are present, is guilty of a misdemeanor."

Mississippi: "A person who willfully and lewdly exposes his person, or private parts thereof, in any public place, or in any place where others are present, or procures another to so expose himself, is guilty of a misdemeanor."

Missouri: "A person commits the offense of sexual misconduct in the first degree if such person...exposes his or her genitals under circumstances in which he or she knows that his or her conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm."

Montana: "A person commits the offense of indecent exposure if the person knowingly or purposely exposes the person's genitals or intimate parts...under circumstances in which the person knows the conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm in order to abuse, humiliate, harass, violate the dignity of, or degrade another; or arouse or gratify the person's own sexual response or desire or the sexual response or desire of any person."

Nebraska: "A person, eighteen years of age or over, commits public indecency if such person performs or procures, or assists any other person to perform, in a public place and where the conduct may reasonably be expected to be viewed by members of the public...an exposure of the genitals of the body done with intent to affront or alarm any person."

Nevada: "A person who makes any open and indecent or obscene exposure of his or her person, or of the person of another, is guilty."

New Hampshire: "A person is guilty...if...such person...exposes his or her genitals...under circumstances which he or she should know will likely cause affront or alarm."

New Jersey: "A person commits a disorderly persons offense if he does any flagrantly lewd and offensive act which he knows or reasonably expects is likely to be observed by other nonconsenting persons who would be affronted or alarmed. ...As used in this section...'lewd acts' shall include the exposing of the genitals for the purpose of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of the actor or of any other person."

New Mexico: "Indecent exposure consists of a person knowingly and intentionally exposing his primary genital area to public view. As used in this section, 'primary genital area' means the mons pubis, penis, testicles, mons veneris, vulva or vagina."

New York: "A person is guilty of exposure if he appears in a public place in such a manner that the private or intimate parts of his body are unclothed or exposed. For purposes of this section, the private or intimate parts of a female person shall include that portion of the breast which is below the top of the areola. This section shall not apply to...any person entertaining or performing in a play, exhibition, show or entertainment."

North Carolina: "Any person who shall willfully expose the private parts of his or her person in any public place and in the presence of any other person or persons, except for those places designated for a public purpose where the same sex exposure is incidental to a permitted activity...shall be guilty."

North Dakota: "An individual, with intent to arouse, appeal to, or gratify that individual's lust, passions, or sexual desires, is guilty...if that individual...exposes the individual's penis, vulva, or anus in a public place."

Ohio: "No person shall recklessly...expose the person's private parts...under circumstances in which the person's conduct is likely to be viewed by and affront others who are in the person's physical proximity and who are not members of the person's household. ...Whoever violates this section is guilty of public indecency."

Oklahoma: "Every person who willfully and knowingly...lewdly exposes his or her person or genitals in any public place, or in any place where there are present other persons to be offended or annoyed thereby...shall be guilty, upon conviction."

Oregon: "A person commits the crime of public indecency if while in, or in view of, a public place the person performs...an act of exposing the genitals of the person with the intent of arousing the sexual desire of the person or another person."

"A person commits the crime of private indecency if the person exposes the genitals of the person with the intent of arousing the sexual desire of the person or another person and...the person is in a place where another person has a reasonable expectation of privacy; the person is in view of the other person; the exposure reasonably would be expected to alarm or annoy the other person; and the person knows that the other person did not consent to the exposure."

Pennsylvania: "A person commits indecent exposure if that person exposes his or her genitals in any public place or in any place where there are present other persons under circumstances in which he or she knows or should know that this conduct is likely to offend, affront or alarm."

Rhode Island: "A person commits indecent exposure/disorderly conduct when for the purpose of sexual arousal, gratification or stimulation, such person intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly...exposes his or her genitals to the view of another under circumstances in which his or her conduct is likely to cause affront, distress, or alarm to that person. Any person may be a complainant for the purposes of instituting action for any violation of this section. This act shall not apply to any conduct between consenting adults where the complainant is an unintended witness."

South Carolina: "It is unlawful for a person to wilfully, maliciously, and indecently expose his person in a public place, on property of others, or to the view of any person on a street or highway."

South Dakota: "A person commits the crime of public indecency if the person, under circumstances in which that person knows that his or her conduct is likely to annoy, offend, or alarm some other person, exposes his or her anus or genitals in a public place where another may be present who will be annoyed, offended, or alarmed by the person's act."

Tennessee: "A person commits the offense of indecent exposure who...in a public place or on the private premises of another, or so near thereto as to be seen from the private premises...intentionally...exposes the person's genitals or buttocks to another...and reasonably expects that the acts will be viewed by another and the acts will offend an ordinary viewer; or are for the purpose of sexual arousal and gratification of the defendant."

Texas: "A person commits an offense if he exposes his anus or any part of his genitals with intent to arouse or gratify the sexual desire of any person, and he is reckless about whether another is present who will be offended or alarmed by his act."

Utah: "An actor commits lewdness if...the actor performs...an act exposing the actor's...genitals; female breast below the top of the areola if the actor is female; buttocks, anus, or pubic area...in a public place; or under circumstances which the actor should know will likely cause affront or alarm to, on, or in the presence of another individual."

Vermont: "A person guilty of open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior shall be imprisoned...or fined..or both."

Virginia: "Every person who intentionally makes an obscene display or exposure of his person, or the private parts thereof, in any public place, or in any place where others are present, or procures another to so expose himself, shall be guilty."

Washington: "A person is guilty of indecent exposure if he or she intentionally makes any open and obscene exposure of his or her person or the person of another knowing that such conduct is likely to cause reasonable affront or alarm."

West Virginia: "A person is guilty of indecent exposure when such person intentionally exposes his or her sex organs or anus...and does so under circumstances in which the person knows that the conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm."

Wisconsin: "Whoever...publicly and indecently exposes genitals or pubic area...is guilty. ...'Publicly' is susceptible to a construction that will avoid the question of constitutional overbreadth, by limiting the application of the statute to constitutionally permissible goals of protecting children from exposure to obscenity and preventing assaults on the sensibilities of unwilling adults in public."

Wyoming: "A person is guilty of public indecency if, while in a public place where he may reasonably be expected to be viewed by others, he...exposes his intimate parts, with the intent of arousing the sexual desire of himself or another person. ...'Intimate parts' means the external genitalia, perineum, anus or pubes of any person or the breast of a female person."

No Community

Notwithstanding my experiences in organized nudism - and whatever inroads I was making on that front were stymied by the COVID lockdowns, and then my subsequent dedication to free-range nudism in the great outdoors. Anyway, nudists are pretty allergic to photography, not to mention any emphasis on the inconvenient fact that some bodies are more beautiful than others. Notwithstanding all that, I say, my nearly 18 years of experience shooting nude photography has, disappointingly, not yielded induction into any kind of community of likeminded artists, as I might have hoped.

Don't get me wrong, sharing photos online is fun. I wouldn't still be doing it after all these years if it weren't. But almost without exception, it has the feel of performing for an audience, rather than contributing to a think tank. I'm just producing disposable content for consumers. I'm not networking with other producers of similar content. I'm not sharing tricks of the trade with other tradesmen. The few artists I've followed over the years have either been professionals entirely out of my league (with, therefore, no chance of opening any kind of mutual dialogue), or amateurs I've seen something of myself in, only to sooner or later be rebuffed because I'm too sex-positive.

To be fair, I'm a bit of a loner and a shut-in. I wonder sometimes if that's the reason why I feel so isolated in this society. I tend to push people away. But I'm also an outlier, and I struggle to find other people like me who I feel I can relate to. I think that if I did, I'd be willing to go out on a limb, to step outside of my comfort zone, for that potential gain. In fact, I've proven that that's the case on at least one prominent occasion. Sadly, it ended in failure.

I just don't find people like that very easily. After considering joining a local photography club, I successfully managed to talk myself out of it. Why? Because, come on. They're not gonna be anything like me. They're gonna jump to conclusions, and associate me with a stereotype I don't even relate to. It's why I don't join photography clubs online. There's pornography, which doesn't have the same goals and aesthetics as I do. And then there's fine art, which sees me - in their myopic worldview - as a deviant and a rogue. Plus, there's the trend these days in websites forcing nude artists to PAY for the privileges other artists get to take advantage of for free.

There is no conclusion to this post, because the issue remains unresolved. They say we have freedom. They tell us to pursue the things that make us happy. But I just feel like an outcast and an outlaw. And it feels ridiculous to campaign for an unimportant thing like personal joy or fulfillment, when people's lives are being thrown away in pointless wars, denied their fundamental rights over arbitrary designations they didn't choose at birth, and driven into debt and poverty through no fault of their own, because they can't afford to pay their own health bills - all while the billionaires keep getting richer! If we can't even get these basic things right, then what hope do I have, to ever be able to live in a world where I can celebrate the beauty of the human body openly, without being treated like a scoundrel or a criminal?

Easy Target

I recently started getting emails again from fotocommunity (I'm not going to link them, for reasons that will soon become clear), a photo-sharing website I prospectively joined years ago but never actually used. I like the idea of sharing a gallery of some of my best photos (maybe my coolest clone shots and loveliest landscape nudes) and, you know, perhaps getting some professional recognition. But I visited again just long enough to confirm that in order to share in and even access the nude gallery, you have to pay for a premium membership (I suspect this is why I never used it to begin with - it's just been so long I've forgotten). Which is the reason I finally deleted my account on Flickr, after the most recent changes (a few years back).

Look, I can understand that, as a website dedicated to art, you want to provide some kind of barrier to make sure the people who contribute to the nude community are serious, and the whole thing doesn't just devolve into a den of smut. I get that. I don't even disagree with it! And also, consumption of nudes is big business, so it's a great way to take people's money. But you need to learn how to distinguish collaborators from consumers*. I wouldn't be there just to browse nudes and satisfy my baser urges. I'm a sophisticated nude artist. With not only years, but decades of experience! (Well, 18 years at last count - my photography is old enough to star in porn!).

I would be contributing good quality content - not just photos, but insight and reflection on other people's works. But you're gonna discriminate against me as an artist, because my chosen specialty is nude photography, and treat me like a lousy pervert, making me PAY you to provide valuable content to YOUR website to draw even more subscriptions (from which I'll never see a stinking dime). I'm not a fool. I'm already engaged in effectively unpaid labor. I'm not gonna give away the fruits of those labors for someone to make a profit off of them, while NOT ONLY leaving me out of the loop, but requiring that I cough up money I don't have so THEY can exploit ME. If somebody did that to me without me voluntarily giving them my consent, it would be a clear violation of my rights! So then why would I agree to that?

It makes me so mad. And there isn't a thing I can do about it, but suffer even more by being excluded from the global community of artists who do something similar to what I do. Am I being unreasonable here? Sometimes I wish someone would come along and finally disabuse me of my principled delusions, and show me a better way to live. But I'm just too damn smart. For me to believe someone who contradicts me, they would have to actually outwit me, to convince me they're right. And there are very few people in the world who could do that - and those that could have absolutely no interest in me (and I don't blame them).

*Although such an arrangement could backfire on me, because they would almost certainly overlook the artistic merit in my pictures, and just see someone who doesn't even use a professional camera, and is willing to take pornographic photos (which, I don't know, displays a fundamental "deviance" in my psychology that would be viewed as "legally unsafe", in terms of trusting me not to breach their walls of etiquette; like as if making erotica means you're a degenerate who lacks any ability to read a room and follow the rules of the hosting platform), and see me as a liability or someone to drag down the fine quality of their gallery.

And this is the world you expect me to have hope for? To struggle within, in order to better myself and others? I know life's not fair, and nobody out there is advocating for me but myself. Nor is there a God up in the sky to guide things, and mete out cosmic justice. But all I ask is for somebody to throw a bone my way. To see my potential and give me an opportunity. I'm willing to work for it. I'm just not going to sacrifice my principles and prostitute myself out for it. That should make me MORE qualified for this kind of a position, not less... But capitalism needs spineless wage slaves, not free-thinking innovators.

Machine Bias

I want to express myself creatively - like anybody else could. It just so happens that a subject I'm interested in is the human body. I have a concept that's not even sexual in nature (although I would argue that it shouldn't matter even if it was; but to make my argument even stronger, it's not). But because it involves people in minimal clothing - albeit clothing that is perfectly street legal, and that you can see in real life anywhere people go swimming - my access to the tools everyone else can use is limited. Why? Because of the paranoid fear that somebody somewhere might use their imagination to achieve sexual gratification. (I'm not making this up, it's what ChatGPT told me - I'd share the chatlogs, but I deleted my account in abject frustration). No matter how likely or unlikely that possibility is, or whether it has anything to do with my own artistic intent. As if that would be such a horrible thing, anyway.

And so here I am, artistically frustrated, because I can't express my own voice in society, in creative protest against the way things are, which is the only way I could ever possibly change public sentiment, or at least raise awareness. And this is in spite of the fact that public protest is not only supposed to be a guaranteed civil right, but one of the fundamental values our country was allegedly founded upon. Yes, of course, I can still speak my mind, probably without censure. But my vocabulary is limited, and my access to the same tools of expression others can use is restricted. How is that not discrimination, that unfairly disadvantages me because my beliefs run counter to the accepted mainstream point of view? If you ask me, that sounds unconstitutional. But now more than ever, there is no such thing as justice or even liberty in this country. My efforts are futile. My voice is silenced. And I can do nothing but lick the hand that has put me in chains.

The Skinny on Dipping

This past Saturday was "Skinny Dip Day", which - as I understand it - occurs on the second Saturday in July. I was not able to participate (personally, I'd choose a weekday for an activity like this), but I've more than made up for it on any number of other occasions already this year. However, while camping this weekend, I did end up hiking through an unexpected rain shower, and later paid an impromptu visit to a "swimming hole". And it's given me some food for thought. Now, I'm torn between the desire to broadcast my observations to everyone I know, and the fear of how it would reflect on me, complaining about how "unfair" it is that I can't walk around naked in front of other people, instead of appreciating the good times I undoubtedly had.

Since you're reading this here, you know which side won out in the end. That's just not the person I want to be seen as. On the one hand, I'm dissatisfied with the way our culture approaches the human body. I want to change the world. And I know I can't do that unless I speak out, and raise a fuss. But I am not the pivot upon which the world rotates. What little sway I have among my inner circle I wield zealously, but progress is a slow drip. And I have much to lose from a potential misunderstanding, if I press too firmly on a subject that is notorious for being misinterpreted. It's a tight rope to walk, being a counterculture revolutionary, while still maintaining other people's trust and respect. But for the record, here is what's going through my mind.

It's a matter of perspective. As a visitor to this planet, I think I can understand the rationale behind the general prohibiton of public nudity. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I can understand where it comes from. Man is a filthy animal. But few aspects of human behavior confound me on so personal a level as the way in which people will permit their hang-ups about their own bodies to prevent them (nay, not just themselves, but others too) from avoiding the discomfort of wearing wet clothing - clothing that doesn't keep you dry in the first place, and retains moisture (sapping your body heat) long after your bare skin would have dried in the open air, even without the aid of a towel. It's irrational!

In addition to the self-inflicted torture of forced discomfort (not to mention the psychological toll of going through life hating your own body), some of the simplest pleasures in life are denied us when we cling so tightly to our man-made coverings, out of the fear of being reminded of what our anatomy looks like, and the function it serves. Not least of these is a joyful feeling of freedom the likes of which few ever experience in our culture. It sounds like a trite cliche, but take it from one with experience - it really is true.

As an artist, I also like to cite the beauty inherent in our design. What's the point of an attractive body if nobody gets to admire it? That's like draping a tarp over an exquisitely crafted statue! I stand by that argument, even though I'll begrudgingly admit that few of us approach the Platonic ideal of the sculpted human form. However, I'd rather suffer the chaff for the sake of the wheat, than gouge out my eyes to spite the unremarkable ordinary. Wouldn't you? (Don't answer that).

Regardless, swimming is one activity that seems to make a mockery of our usual commitment to so-called "decency" and "modesty". Yet, it seems silly to go only so far, and then still stop short of the finish line, leaving you to your silly towel dance while you try to peel off a wet pair of shorts that clings defiantly to your legs (after which you immediately re-robe while your skin is still damp). Truly, an enlightened race of men would discard such ridiculous customs, acknowledge the dignity in our natural form, and simply swim nude under the open sky, like literally every other living creature on this planet.

If believing that makes me the crazy one, then I don't want to be sane. I just don't want to be labeled a menace to society, for thinking there's a better way than hiding a truth we all pretend not to know - namely, what we look like under our clothes.

Tainted With Eroticism

Or enhanced by it?

The fact of the matter is, if I were to say, "I get turned on sometimes, envisioning myself as a woman," there are people who would turn that around and use it as a weapon against me. To shame me. To discredit me. To accuse me of horrendous things. So I won't say it. But I will say that womanhood - especially in our heavily sexualized culture - can be a very sensual experience. Some people might say that's a bad thing. I say, when has adding pleasure to the recipe ever been a mistake? Your so-called "morals" are as thin as paper, and just as easily discarded.

God gave us a gift. (I don't believe in God, but I'm using that as a rhetorical device - it's just a metaphor for nature, or chance; whatever made us the way we are). Which is the ability to feel pleasure through the manipulation of our sexual organs. Its purpose is to increase our happiness, as we wander this Earth doing what we were programmed to do - which is survive, and procreate. Unfortunately, in our imperfect fallibility, we have learned to use this tool as a weapon to inflict pain on others in selfish pursuit.

I don't think that means we should give up on it. That some would use it selfishly, to steal happiness for themselves at the cost of hurting others, doesn't mean the rest of us should discontinue using it correctly, to spread happiness throughout the world. The people who abuse it have nothing to do with me. They are not me. And I do not support their actions. So please do not lump me in with them because I still believe in the virtue of pleasure and eroticism, while all you are able to see in your fearful, myopic rage is the danger and risk of harm.

It all goes back to the doctrine of sexuality as corruption - which I don't believe in. Like Midas' touch, eroticism taints everything it comes into contact with, giving it sinister flair and charging it with malignant intention. If you find sensuality in the experience of being naked, you can't be a nudist - you're just an exhibitionist. If roughing it in the wilderness without clothes turns you on, then every hike will be interpreted as a sex act. If you have any inwardly directed feelings of arousal tied to your gender identity or expression, then you're not transgender - you're just a cross-dressing pervert! You can't share these experiences with family or friends, or enjoy them in public - ever! - because they're being defined as categorically sexual in nature, and that would be highly inappropriate.

Never mind the fact that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, even though there are other occasions on which it might indeed be a penis. Nor am I allowed to suggest the theoretical possibility that we could all be smoking penises in public without incident and it would be just fine - because the world would not end, and we'd all learn that it's not that big a deal. (Oops, I just suggested it). Because if I did, it would tarnish the purity of my reputation, and seriously undermine that point I just made about cigars. They'd put my head in a guillotine and make sure I never have the freedom to spread my perverse delusions throughout society ever again.

I'm not saying there aren't bad people out there who would take advantage of a little leeway to wreak havoc in people's lives. Unfortunately - it's the reason we can't have nice things. But can't we at least have the imagination to suppose scenarios, that may or may not reflect reality all that closely, and then nourish ourselves on the pleasure those fantasies might bring, without instantly being labeled monsters? Imagine a world, for example, where minor sexual infractions - I'm talking non-contact offenses - were dealt with between people, instead of in court. And when people couldn't work it out themselves, it'd be brought to civil court, and not made into a criminal case.

Imagine a world where people co-habitating - or visiting others - could have a balanced discussion (with compromises on both sides) on what's appropriate re: dress codes, and sexual behavior. Where unexpectedly bumping into somebody naked would (maybe) be cause for surprise, but not necessarily castigation, let alone criminal sanction. Where somebody masturbating on a couch (assuming they're not bothering anyone, and have the courtesy to clean up after themselves) might just as soon be left alone as brought into a calm conversation about personal boundaries.

I know you're thinking that in most cases, this is how the world already works - but you're neglecting two important factors. One being that people tend to exercise self-repression, even in cases where they might be permitted some freedom if they had the courage to push those boundaries - but mostly they don't, because they are decent, empathetic people, and they've been taught by example (whether directly or indirectly) that you will be labeled a menace to society if you don't bend over backwards to stay out of other people's way.

The other factor is one I barely have the courage to mention, because it's poisoned with so much rhetoric. It's all well and good when two adults have a dispute over appropriate boundaries, but once you mix children into the living situation, it escalates very quickly. Nobody in their right mind would be fool enough to make the argument that we shield kids from the truth about human sexuality far more than is actually to their benefit (although if they did, they might remind you that repression - as opposed to open communication - is the veil behind which misbehavior often hides). But all rules that seem reasonable when applied to adults go out the window on the merest possibility that a child might step into the room. And how many places in this world can we go where that is not at least a possibility? Thus, we have rules that look good on paper, when reality reflects a far more repressed situation than anyone wants to admit.

I'll leave you with one last thought - about the importance of representation. It has been said - especially in the course of defending the freedom of speech - that speech is the beginning of all thought. Logically, it would seem that words communicate thoughts, and therefore thought must be the genesis of all speech. But while a creative mind may be capable of generating thoughts that have not (yet) been translated into words, in a broad and very real sense, average people have a hard time conceptualizing things they have no words to describe - nor any prior model or experience to draw from. This is the purpose of awareness. To utilize speech as a tool to direct thought into patterns that advocates consider under-represented.

Whatever the truth may be. Whatever doubt people may hold in their hearts. On a mass scale, a culture cannot conceive of a thing, at the very least, until an example of it is presented to them. Be it fictitious, in a book or a movie or a TV drama. Something people can point to and say, "that". "Oh, you mean that?" Something that other things can be compared to, and contrasted with. Whether it's a model to live up to, or to avoid at all costs. (Though preferably the former). I'm just a reclusive hermit too frightened to be in the public eye, but I wouldn't hate contributing to expanding people's imaginations in that direction - towards the conception of a sex-positivity that is virtuous without being exclusive - whether it's through my own lived experiences, or the art that I create. I want to be an example - I don't want to be made an example of.

Filthy Beauty

I know I've mentioned this before (somewhere), but I read an eye-opening book about two years ago (Perv: The Sexual Deviant In All Of Us by Jesse Bering), that spends some time exploring the suppression of the disgust reaction during sexual arousal - a point that's really stuck with me. It's the reason that, to pick out a simple example, some people actually like to put other people's genitals in their mouth (I'm intentionally phrasing it to focus on how weird it sounds if you're not thinking about it in a sexual way). I mean, it's one of those things that's, like, obvious, but putting it into a (more or less) scientific context really helps you to understand human nature (and our behaviors) much better. Anyway, I just had another epiphany related to this subject.

The fact that your disgust reaction is suppressed when you're sexually aroused - so that you'll tolerate, even desire, behaviors that involve intimacy with what can only be described as "gross anatomy", all so you'll be incentivized to increase your chances at procreation - suggests to me that the things you're programmed to find desirable are inherently disgusting (to a certain degree). After all, sticking a body part into another person's orifice and then excreting bodily fluid into it - well, it doesn't sound very romantic, does it? But attraction is the key to the gateway that penetrates the wall of repulsion and body horror.

Why should these things be inherently disgusting, if you're not holding the key? Possibly because it prevents us from fucking everyone all the time - but since evolution would probably not object to this pattern of behavior, I suspect it has more to do with the fact that intimacy necessarily leaves us vulnerable. Not just emotionally. Or to external threats. But physiologically, as well. How better to transmit disease than to essentially remove the physical barrier between two (or more) persons' internal anatomy? Just like how we find bodily waste, or the stench of death, repugnant - largely because avoiding these things protects us from dangerous microorganisms. But in the case of sex, the potential reward is worth the risk (the only thing more important than survival is avoiding extinction). But better to limit exposure to just those moments when it's necessary - i.e., when you spot a hot babe, with whom you might have a chance of making healthy babies.

Anyway, the epiphany I had after ruminating on this fact is that this is probably why anything to do with sex and eroticism is such a taboo, constantly courting controversy, and inviting censorship. What you might find beautiful in an erotic sense is intrinsically filthy, and will undoubtedly be seen as such by anyone who doesn't share your particular sexual tastes. It's not simply that people are being uptight, or have been brainwashed by a puritan religious upbringing (although I'm not discounting these things as contributing factors). It's an inherent byproduct of our biological programming! Which isn't necessarily reassuring (biology is a tough force to counteract), but understanding the problem correctly is always the first step toward finding an effective solution.

I mean, think about it. Human beings (and not just our species, but organic life in general) are icky, gooey, drippy, leaky, smelly bags of flesh and guts. If it weren't for the sheer importance of the role that sexual reproduction holds in our fundamental programming, I doubt we'd even tolerate ourselves for more than a second. This actually bugs me as an erotic artist, because it reveals that the subject of my passionate dedication is rather narrow-minded and ego-centric. I mean, there are standards of aestheticism that approach the objective (at least from our perspective). You can appreciate the beauty of a fine specimen of animal, for example - the lines and curves, the musculature, the colors and patterns - without it (necessarily) involving any kind of sexual evaluation whatsoever. But that driving force of desire that makes an erotic portrait so... potent? Just imagine, if there were another intelligent species on this planet (or any other), what they find erotically beautiful could be unremarkable to us. Or, worse yet, actively repulsive. And of course the reverse would have to hold true. If the virtue of my work can't even transcend my own species, how much value does it really hold, in the cosmic scheme?

On the other hand, it's not even as though all human beings can appreciate my art. My subject is so niche, it's not a majority - it's not even a multitude that appreciates it. Just a tiny minority. So I don't know why it should bother me that hypothetical beings that may or may not exist, and that we probably won't come into contact with any time remotely concurrent with the existence of my consciousness, can't appreciate my work. I guess I just want to believe that I'm doing something that has importance beyond the tiny blip that is the span of my life on the universal clock. But I should be content in the knowledge that, even if it's only a few people, there are others out there who appreciate what I do. And that not only do I find it enjoyable to do, but doing it brings pleasure and excitement to them as well. That's enough, right?

Right?

But I wish, as a society, we could stop criticizing each other for enjoying the things we like that other people find repulsive, especially to the point of not just withholding another's happiness, but ruining somebody's life because of what ultimately amounts to a matter of unbidden tastes. We literally want to put bullets in people's heads because they prefer the taste of salted caramel to cookies and cream.

Confessions of a Gymnophiliac

I was traveling the other night by interstate. Alone. At night. And I stopped at a rest stop. The place was empty. Like, completely empty. And the restroom had a gigantic mirror just inside the entrance. I was the only one in there. (Are you sensing where this is going?) I felt compelled to take off all my clothes, and snap some pictures. Don't get me wrong, it's not as though I had to do it. But I wanted to. I found the idea positively thrilling. Not strictly in a sexual sense - as you can observe for yourself. I just think there is a primal beauty and a forbidden sensuality to being unclothed, that can be enhanced, whether by proximity to the natural world, or, alternatively, by juxtaposition with the trappings of modern society. And I like to capture the electricity of that tension in my photography. Is there an erotic component to this beauty? Yes, there can be. I don't deny it. But that doesn't change the fact that this wasn't about sex.

If there had been any indication of a single other person present in the building - inside or outside that restroom - I wouldn't have done it. I chose that time and place because I knew I could do it without anybody ever finding out. At least, outside of the audience those pictures would have, who I could reasonably assume would appreciate (and not condemn) the boldness I exhibited. It was a closed location, with only one entrance. I could hear if somebody was coming, with what I judged would be enough time to dip into a private stall (where I had hung my clothes), so that nobody would suspect a thing. And, being a restroom, I knew (at least, I hoped) there were no security cameras in there.

Hypothetically, I would have been thrilled to have left the restroom while still naked, and wandered the rest stop. Taken some pictures standing beside the vending machines. Browsing the stacks of brochures. Sitting on a bench. Exiting to the outside through the automatic doors. But the danger of being spotted increases exponentially as soon as you cross the threshold of that restroom. There would have been no time to set up a camera. A high likelihood of being seen by staff or other visitors, long before I had a chance to hide. And near certainty that I would be caught on a security camera, with recorded proof of my mischief. (Not a heinous crime, mind you - just... mischief).

I know this isn't normal. Most people don't have these inclinations. Such thoughts don't run through their heads. And even if something were to cause them to contemplate such a bizarre scenario (as wandering naked through an interstate rest stop - or a grocery store, or a laundromat, or a hotel lobby, or any public place), it would be met with confusion, if not outright horror. Is there something wrong with me? Not just that I have these feelings, but that I am somehow able to justify them in my mind as being less than the antisocial compulsions of a lunatic? Is it not relevant that their purpose seems to be something other than simple sexual gratification? That I'm conscious of the need and the value of making an effort to avoid being a public nuisance (whether or not that's just a self-defense mechanism)?

The problem is, there's no context in our society for these kinds of behaviors. It makes me feel alone. But more than that, it leaves me in confusion, to wonder what's wrong with me. (Because there has to be something wrong, right? I couldn't simply be expressing a wonderful if rare example of human diversity, could I?). It seems related to nudism - the interest in living life, and engaging in normal activities, without clothes. Yet I have enough experience with how nudist communities respond to expressions of these kinds of fantasies - with criticism, revulsion, and ostracism - to know no kinship will be found there.* People like myself are readily labeled exhibitionists, and while that may not be completely untrue, neither is that a community with which I find fraternity. The lack of sexual motive. The effort to which I want to avoid being exposed. Not to mention the unfair (and unfairly cruel) stereotypes which are used to classify exhibitionists as subhuman, not worthy of understanding, much less sympathy.

*(I mean, if anyone should be sympathetic to a person who holds a fascination for nudity, it should be the nudist community. But they're so preoccupied with courting normalcy and presenting a good face to the world, that they spurn you and make you feel even more isolated and unwanted. I understand the importance of socio-political strategizing, but it goes beyond that. You'd think a minority would be more understanding of what other minorities go through, but instead, they swallow the mainstream kool-aid and belch it back even louder in your face because they're so insecure about fitting in themselves.)

Where, then, does that leave me? I'm okay with being labeled eccentric. An outlier. But human society demands categorization. I want to be understood. Not treated as something I'm not, just because most people can't distinguish the difference. Above all, I want to be convinced that I'm not a monster. It's not enough that I don't believe I am. I could be delusional. I have to explain my case in the hope that others can see me, and come to the same conclusion. To know that I'm not insane. But how can you rest your sense of self-worth on the judgment of others who can't possibly know your experiences and motives as well as you do, and may not even have the interest or the capacity to care? It's a cruel fate. But therein I lay trapped.

How do you extend a hand in compromise, toward a society that would simply prefer you didn't exist? To reach out for help, from someone who wants to stamp you out? And what's the alternative? Crawling around in the shadows, wallowing in loathing and self-pity? What kind of a way is that to live? Or should I prove their worst nightmares true, for lack of a better outlet? Become the monster they've fated me to be. And why do I keep torturing myself by expecting reason, let alone compassion, from the human race? There's no order. There's no justice. There's no meaning. I want certainty. I want protection. I want peace of mind. And it's not forthcoming. I just can't seem to come to grips with the fundamental chaos of living. And I can't even say these things to the people that need to hear them, for fear of what it would do to my reputation...

I have to acknowledge the possibility that I could be somebody's worst nightmare - imagine, walking into a public restroom and what you find is a naked person holding a camera (although this should be dreadfully obvious from context, I feel compelled to say it because people are idiots - the camera's not there to take pictures of you, it's there to take pictures of me). Especially - and I am loath to say this, but - if they have the "wrong" anatomy (because a penis is really just a type of horn, that proves men's fundamentally demonic nature). I mean, if that's your worst nightmare, I envy your charmed life, but that's beside the point. What's also beside the point is the fact that if I encountered such a person - a person just like me, who is as conscientious of others, as well as committed to the artistry of beauty (and not simply looking to get a kick out of breaking a sexual taboo, all other concerns aside), it would be a dream come true! I can only imagine what could come from a collaboration between two such bodies and minds in sync. Maybe that's reason enough, from the perspective of the masses, to never let such a thing happen.

But why should some of my greatest fantasies of happiness be things I'm not even allowed to want? Is two beautiful people running around naked in public really so horrible a thing? I don't know why this concept intrigues me so. I wonder how much different my life would be if I had normal, un-controversial passions. I'm sorry I wasn't born conventional, like you. I wish I had been. My life would be a lot easier. But I wasn't. Does that mean I don't deserve to live? And if I do, does it mean I don't deserve to be happy? If the world is constructed in such a way that naked beauty cannot appear without being an obstruction to the normal functioning of society, then I want to live in a different world. A world where that kind of thing can happen. And does happen. And I can be a part of it. What's the point of a life lived in misery because you can't have the things you want most? Tell me, how is this thing that I want a threat to the well-being of others? Nothing about my desires depends on the suffering of others. The existence of nudism proves that it is not a foregone conclusion. Our culture is just pre-disposed to interpret what I find beautiful as threatening. Yet it won't recognize that in indulging its neuroses, it is torturing me. Why is their peace of mind more valuable than mine, and my agony less of a concern?

The only resolution to this conflict of interests is either to strip the part of me that enjoys nudity from the core of my being, or to change society to view the human body in a more positive light. (Would that be so odious an adjustment to make?). But as monolithic an endeavor as the latter would assuredly be, it still seems more possible to me than accomplishing the former. Alas, there shall be no resolution. And if I must suffer continuously through all the days of my life, what's it to anyone if, every once in a while, somebody has to suffer in some very small part because I took too daring a risk one too many times? The shit I see humans doing - and getting away with, without remorse, or even reflection - and I have to sit here with this wretched conscience telling me I'm scum because I can't be happy without doing something that might upset someone somewhere sometime. It really is true that evil prevails because good must follow the rules. I wish I could take a pill to stop caring. To shut off my conscience. Why can't I just be content to be human, with all its incumbent flaws, without having to beat myself up because I'm not a perfect angel?

Beauty is Truth

It's an almost universal feeling among at least half of the population. It's our natural, biological programming. AND it's necessary to the continued survival of the species. It's literally our prime directive, and yet, somehow, we've drilled this idea into the core of our concept of civilization, that it's a sin for a man to look at a woman with lust in his heart.

Now, don't get me wrong, I fully support treating women with respect. There is a misogynistic culture in which men seem to revel in abusing - verbally, and worse - any woman that arouses his libidinal desires, accompanied by an undeserved sense of entitlement to their bodies. I think that if your compass causes you to feel pleasure in the fact of another's existence, then that alone, without promise of anything more, justifies the responsibility to treat her well. And, after all, isn't that a better strategy for befriending her, in the hope of being able to spend more time in her presence?

But treating women with respect also includes not shaming them for courting attention of a particular variety. Especially (but not exclusively) when they're not doing it consciously! Because this is how our species propagates, and it's interwoven into the very fabric of our society. The way women dress. The fundamental nature of dance. Things that they learn even from a young age, before they understand the underlying purpose of it. It's not some evil plan. It's just a fact of life.

And then we make men feel bad for feeling good when their biological instincts respond as they've been programmed to. Even when they exercise restraint, and practice good manners. An implication is posed, that there is some sinister intent at the heart of it all - at the heart of physical attraction, which drives flirtation and courtship behaviors. Civilization has taught us that these things exist to bond pairs together. But evolution knows the real truth: that all those precious babies are being made because men are designed to salivate over women's bodies. We should be grateful for it - not resentful of it. Because, without it, we wouldn't even be.

But we live in a culture where protecting the planet that cradles us, and shelters us from the lifeless void of space, is an unpopular stance. So I guess that's way too logical an expectation for our species. Life is already hard. Why do we make ourselves suffer more than is necessary? For the inscrutable glory of some imaginary character? Intelligence is a myth. We're just dumb, hairless apes. How did we ever make it this far? Oh, that's right - because desire is more powerful than shame. More powerful than any civilizing influence. And if the day ever comes when that is no longer true, then that will be the day that we go extinct. The forces of chastity would do well to take that lesson to heart.

Fallen Empire

Insofar as the fallen empire of the United States is a world leader in cultural influence (although they don't deserve to be), I'm anticipating some hard times ahead - particularly on the front of freedom of sexual expression. Rest assured, I WILL die on this hill. Nothing will ever stop me from spreading sexual pleasure to the masses, short of locking me up or putting a bullet in my head. But there is probably a lot of frustration coming down the pike, as the Christofascists - emboldened by the stupidity of the American public - clamor to put into place their vision of a sexless utopia. I just want to warn you, so you can be prepared. There is a storm coming. Now is the time for us to brace ourselves, so we are not beaten down by the forces of chastity that are polishing their rifles for the hunt right now, as the Antichrist readies himself to take the throne. We shall prevail, by hell or high water. Or we go extinct. There is no other option. Let us make our adversaries the ones who will go extinct, once and for all time.

Inventory

I keep the photos I take in folders on my computer labeled by day, sorted into folders by month, and by year. I don't take pictures every day, but I do take them more days than not. Not all of it is self-portraits, of course, but that is my most frequent subject.

Anyway, I've started doing an inventory of all the content I've left unfinished (processing it for sharing) since the fall of 2021 (which is where I left off when Patreon committed its act of injustice against me). Even though all I'm doing is writing folder names down in a text document, as a sort of index to guide me to where there is still work to be done, just getting it organized has been enormously helpful to my headspace. It's no longer a jumbled mess of unidentified folders scattered across three years of photos - it's a neat list I can check off as I go along, getting the work done that's been ignored and piling up for years.

To think that, even now, I'm still recovering from the effects of the way Patreon treated me, and the impact it had on my health (both physically and mentally). If there were any cosmic justice in this universe... but I don't believe in that idealistic bullshit. I've seen too much to maintain such naive delusions. We inflict so much unnecessary suffering on each other, just because we're superstitious about sexual pleasure. I can see a better way; so why doesn't anybody listen to me?

Nevertheless, I'm still trucking along, leaving what impact I can on this world, in the vain hope that when it's all said and done, my having ever existed in the first place will have been worth it. I just wish I'd been born to a more promising species. One that deserved me, and had its shit together enough to recognize the potential in me, and the means to utilize my talents for the betterment of all. Because that's what I want to do. But all I see around me is regression, and the resentment of anyone who promotes progress. Humans are either dumb, or scum. And neither alternative inspires much confidence.

Addendum (2 days later): Much of the relief I felt has evaporated, now that I've completed the inventory and realize how much work there is to be done. Going back to October of 2021 (fully 3 years ago), which is when the backlog starts, there are approximately 200 separate folders (that is, days) worth of photos in various stages of incompletion. Some of these folders might have a handful of photos that need watermarks. A great many of them have multiple videos that need to be canvassed for screen caps - which is a tedious job. We're talking three summers' worth of outdoor recreation, among other things.

I should be glad I have enough content to guarantee posting will continue without undue interruption for years to come, even if I were to put down the camera and not take another shot from this day on (and we both know that's not going to happen). But the task ahead intimidates me, and I know I have a lot of great stuff that I'm excited to share - there's just so much of it that it's going to take a while to sort through it all. And heaven forbid I should have an accident or a medical emergency and miss the chance to release it to the public, or lose the use of my right arm due to excessive clicking and dragging (I'm not even kidding), before all is said and done. (Having anxiety means you frequently think about these sorts of things)...