Obsessed With Nudity

"Am I obsessed with you?
I do my best not to want you.
But I do all the time - want you all the time."

These lyrics are from Obsessed - one of my favorite deep cuts by Miley Cyrus (who also sang, more recently, "I'm completely naked but I'm making it fashion"), from the same EP that gave us Party in the USA.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with nudity. If I think about it rationally, I probably wouldn't even be that thrilled about a world where public nudity is mainstream, just on account of the fact that most people aren't that great to look at. And if the typical nudist mindset is any indication, it may well be the case (at least on a statistical level) that people who are more attractive will cover up to avoid attention, while the ones who do undress will be the type who don't give a damn about appearances. I hate to give voice to a common nudist myth ("it's never the ones you want to see naked..."), but we are talking about my fears and anxieties here. And on that subject, not everyone is as meticulous about hygiene as I am...

But when I think about it emotionally, there is 1) that apparition of beauty that haunts me, causing me to envision a nudist utopia where everybody is beautiful, coupled with 2) the simple knowledge of the sensation of how great it feels to be naked and exposed, indoors and out. The former is basically voyeurism, and the latter borders uncomfortably on exhibitionism. Which begs the question, why are "pure" nudists even that invested in nudism, if the more you "like" nudity, the more of a pervert you must be? And would I be so invested in it, if I weren't such a beautiful creature to begin with, that I get to look at in the mirror on a daily basis?

Please don't make me cover this up!

Certainly, there's nothing wrong with having a fantasy in my head of a world filled with naked supermodels, but am I crazy to try to apply my desire for that to the real world? Am I opening a door expecting models to flood out, when really there are just "average" people waiting on the other side? Would I really like going out in public naked, hanging out with friends and family, only to discover (and I'm just speculating here) that my enjoyment of nudity has a fundamental sexual component? How awkward that would be! (In my defense, I have demonstrated not only an interest in nonsexual social nudism, but the ability to engage in it without incident).

In the meantime, the concept still thrills me, and if nothing else, it's something that gives me joy to explore - partly in my head, but also partly out in a section of the real world, mostly isolated from others. And isn't that just how tribes gather and practice their interests? Do I need nudism to be mainstream, or is it that what I really need is just more nudist friends? It's lonely being the only person you know in any meaningful radius that has any kind of dedication to a lifestyle that your identity is suffused with. I can't just sign up for the local nudist league, because there isn't one!

I tried creating my own, but the only person that showed up was me.

And what if nudists aren't the right people, after all? What of the potential erotic component? I'm not looking for hookups or sexual partners or to engage in any orgies. But if there's a little bit of a naughty edge to the proceedings, I don't want to be ostracized for it. But I also probably don't want to share that with just anyone - it has to be someone I like and trust and am comfortable being around, yet probably also someone who isn't looking to have a sexual relationship with me, and won't feel that they're being "led on" - why does it have to be so complicated?!

Honestly, I had a lot of hope for the community of artists I was interacting with online a couple of summers ago. These were people who not only understood the artistic drive, but were experienced working with nudity, accepting of the erotic arts, yet still (as far as I can gauge) respecting of personal boundaries. (Also, they weren't people who were already drooling over my body). These are the kind of people I want to hang out with. To collaborate with. But they're scattered, and preoccupied with modern trends I don't follow, and I don't have the people skills OR possibly even the artistic pedigree (that's a matter of opinion, but I don't think I'm the most unbiased person to ask) to demand their time or attention (let alone being valuable enough to have them demanding mine), and not simply be a desperate hanger-on.

But I am desperate. And at this point, I'm just hanging on.

Not to end on a depressing note, but I'm going to end on a depressing note. It seems to me that the only way I can get anyone interested in me as a person, or in the workings of my beautiful mind, is if I can first get them addicted to my body. Is my obsession with naked beauty a distraction from what else I have to offer? Am I doing myself a disservice by focusing on it to the exclusion of other things? But I do genuinely value it, and I don't want to have to jettison that aspect of my passions. And frankly, I'm afraid to dump the one part of me that has the tiniest bit of traction, for fear of being trapped in an empty auditorium, my words echoing off the walls, as I stand there listening to myself talk.

It's not that I don't have confidence in what I have to offer - my position may not be very relatable, but I think I have a very insightful perspective to share with the world. But if I put myself out there time and time again, only to be greeted by none other than my dear old friend, the crickets - at a certain point I have to start wondering if the problem is me. Am I just not that interesting? Or am I operating on a level beyond what most people are capable of perceiving? And if so, why do I even exist? What's my purpose? Because it's definitely not to lead a conventional lifestyle - being a mindless breeder worker bee. I have human desires, but I lack normal human abilities. My life is a cosmic joke.