Old Glory

Given my feelings on toxic patriotism and the people who are most likely to fly the American flag, I'm beginning to wonder if I can even continue to wear this swimsuit proudly, without being a hypocrite, given what I feel the stars and stripes stand for these days (it's not liberty or justice, that's for sure). But it's so hard for me to find a swimsuit I genuinely like, that fits me comfortably, and in such a way that I can wear it to a crowded public pool (not the one I usually complain about) without fearing that I'll look like a pervert. And the fact that it's a bikini bottom marketed to girls, and not a swim brief designed for men - more than just freedom from dysphoria, it gives me a feeling of gender euphoria!

If I could find an equivalent substitute in a different pattern, I'd be ecstatic. I actually had my eye on one this year - a pretty mermaid bikini with shimmering pink and teal (my favorite color combination!) scales. I bought it twice, in two different sizes, and they were both too small. I haven't had any luck finding one in a larger size. I'm gonna make a point to look more closely at the selection earlier in the season next year, but in the meantime...

Maybe this is just rationalization, but I do feel differently when it's me donning the stars and stripes. What I hate about seeing the American flag is the hypocrisy of what it's supposed to stand for, compared to what the people who fly it actually support in practice. They're more likely to be conservative and religious, which necessarily means that they oppose liberty and equality. When I walk into the pool dressed in a red, white, and blue bikini bottom, not only am I genuinely expressing the principles those colors stand for - i.e., the liberty to wear what I like, and the equality of the sexes to be judged by the same rules - but I'm also likely to upset and aggravate those "patriots" who think our flag stands for homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny (among other forms of bigotry).

And that's a win for me. I'd still like to have something different (I don't even feel comfortable wearing red, white, and blue on the Fourth of July anymore - I prefer wearing black lately), but in the meantime (as I said), I think I can live with that. Call it reclaiming the flag for the progressive, queer-friendly community. :-p

Modesty's Arrow

Outside of gravity's influence, we can move freely through space - in any direction we like. But time moves only forward, and never backward. In physics, this is referred to as "time's arrow". It's related to the concept of entropy, which you can think of - although scientists will tell you this is an oversimplification - as disorder. Closed systems (even the universe as a whole), if left to their own devices, have a tendency to fall into disarray.

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
- Percy Shelley

It's the reason why, unless you put deliberate energy into cleaning, a room will trend, over time, toward disorganization. To keep things in order, you must exercise - as Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody would say - constant vigilance. The orientation of time's arrow may be demonstrated by the fact that an egg dropped from a countertop will shatter into many pieces and scatter across the floor, but it will never gather itself back together and reform its original shape.

The explanation involves probability states and redistribution of the elements within a system. Consider the fact that if you were to mess up one shirt in a pile of folded laundry, it would stick out like a sore thumb; but throw another sock onto a disheveled pile of clothes and you'd hardly be able to tell the difference. It's all quite fascinating, but far beyond the scope of this discussion. I merely want to introduce the concept of time's arrow - and the unanswered question of why it should flow in one particular direction, but never the other - in order to draw an analogy to modesty (with relation to clothing), and its implied moral imperative.

"Decency is a pattern of behavior, not a style of dress."

It seems to me that the question of how much or how little to wear always carries with it some moral baggage, rather than simply being a matter of personal choice. The edict to "cover up" is always interpreted as a moral imperative, while any suggestion to "take it off" is viewed disdainfully as an indecent request. There may be localized exceptions - even whole communities (such as nudism) that create contexts in which this rule is flipped - but they are the exception that proves the rule. Over a broad consensus, the moral evaluation I have described tends to hold. It's what we teach our children, and it's what they mainly continue to believe throughout their lives.

My experience witnessing people telling others to "cover up" is that they always do it in a moralizing, preachy kind of way. It touches on the deep roots of sex negativity and gymnophobia (fear of the human body) and the underlying current of self-loathing that stains our culture. It's as if they're on a holy crusade to "clean up the streets" (does the world really need more Travis Bickles?), and fix other people's "sinful" behaviors, presumably in an effort - no doubt goaded on by faith handlers of various stripes - to guide them towards what they conceive to be a more saintly existence.

Although natural instinct pulls us in the opposite direction (and why shouldn't it?), you don't really see people going around telling others to "take it off" (or similar) - because most people know how such a suggestion would be received (skin exposure is viewed as indecent, and the desire to see more of it is therefore suspect), and have the social consciousness not to want to be perceived as a degenerate pervert. Unfortunately, the type of people who flout society's conventions and impulsively speak their mind anyway tend to be unscrupulous, instinct-driven animals (otherwise they would have put more stock in those conventions, regardless of whether they agree with them or not), and lo, the sordid reputation holds, because there's no polite way in this society to say "naked is more beautiful".

A quick pose, before that Amish family glances up from their picnic.

I'd just like to ask, why should the moral value of modesty in dress necessarily have to flow in one direction and not the other? And why does it do so in practice? What religious mythology has been woven into the tapestry of our society, so firmly as to even influence secular culture, about the extent to which the devil reaches his hand into the "pleasures of the flesh"? And why should it have to be that way? We have the freedom to decide our own beliefs; I have the freedom to believe not only that the human body is not evil, but that it is divine, and that physical pleasure is a virtue and not a sin. I have the freedom to believe these things, but if I go around expressing these beliefs, I risk being cast as a villain, and eyed with suspicion.

One of the greatest scientific discoveries of the early twentieth century was Einstein's revelation that space and time are not absolute, but that our experience of them is relative, dependent on a frame of reference. From my perspective, these "modesty warriors" who go around spreading shame and judgment upon those who revel in the celebration of what little joy our mortal bodies can give us - to me, they are the ones who are evil. When there are two opposing vantage points, who gets the authority to decide which one is proper, and which is distorted? Should we simply adopt the one that is more common, or the one whose adherents are the most vocal? Remember, there was a time when most people believed the Sun revolved around the Earth and not vice-versa; a great scientist named Copernicus was vilified by the church for proposing an alternate theory that we now know absolutely to be true.

Without reason, can speech ever truly be free? I would love to be able to feel comfortable expressing my beliefs about the human body. To talk about its beauty and the pleasure it can bring. To encourage those people who I think deserve to be seen, to show off more of their bodies and flaunt what they've got. People can agree or disagree with my opinions on these matters. That's fine. What I can't stand is the thought of becoming a pariah for stating them. Of being looked at and treated like nothing more than a pervert. (Yes, I'm a pervert - aren't we all? - but I'm so much more than that). Or, worse yet, being considered a sick predator, diseased in the mind, dangerous and unholy. All because I bow to the temple of naked beauty, unbound by any arbitrarily constructed social laws of propriety.

And so I remain silent, more often than not. But it has a dispiriting, isolating effect on my psychology. It's not healthy. I want freedom of speech. I'm not asking for freedom from other people's reactions to my speech. That's a strawman concocted by people who claim to support liberty, while hypocritically attacking free speech defenders they accuse of the equally ridiculous notion of only wanting to spew hatred without repercussion. I just don't want to live in a society where people are habitually - to the level of making it a predictable outcome - predisposed toward exaggeration, and maliciously misrepresenting people's views and statements (exacerbated by a cancel culture - which goes by another name: "cyber-bullying").

I don't want people not to have the freedom to come to their own conclusions about the things I say. I just want to live in a culture where I feel safe enough to say those things, with good intentions, knowing that people will evaluate them fairly and without misrepresentation, with patience and rationality - not knee-jerk emotionalism fueled by memes and propaganda designed to manipulate the masses - and with reasonable allowance for thinking outside the box and considering unconventional viewpoints before rejecting them outright. Just like I strive to do.

Do I have over-inflated standards for Homo sapiens, or what? But why should I be forced to settle for less? I want so much more than that. And we're just talking about talking! Heaven forbid, I should try to actually pursue the things that make me happy, and attempt to make my vision of a naked paradise (similar to a nudist resort, but more like an artists' retreat than a retirement community) a reality. I have no desire to hurt anyone physically or psychologically, or compel them to do anything against their will. But some ideas are so dangerous... I fear that, to quote the bard (not Shakespeare, I mean Bob Dylan), "if my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine." And that's just for the fantasies alone!

Beauty's Privilege

The truth is, not everyone has a body that demands to be shown off. And, unfortunately, the people who want to show off, and the people who ought to show off, aren't always the same people. In other words, you don't have to be attractive to enjoy exhibitionism, but there are also a lot of attractive people who don't enjoy exhibiting themselves. But none of this should be used as justification for preventing attractive people who want to show off from doing so. I know it raises ethical concerns regarding equal rights (and anyway, beauty is subjective) - who gets to show off and who has to cover up - but that's all stuff we can hash out while we're admiring the eye candy, and not before we allow ourselves to do so. If there is both beauty and ugliness in the world, then we should work to maximize the beauty we get to experience while minimizing the ugliness, instead of gouging out our eyes so we can see nothing at all.

---

Whether a person should think about sex when they see someone in a skin-baring outfit is beside the point. (It's perfectly natural for them to do so, but that's beside the point - as I said). Even if a person sees someone and wants to have sex with them, that doesn't justify any kind of inappropriate or uninvited behavior - in other words, harassment - much less assault or rape. Telling men not to think about sex is pointless, but telling women to cover up so as not to tempt men - that's missing the point, too. The only thing that needs to happen - the ONLY thing - is that men need to learn to control themselves. And the best way to do that is to parade women's naked flesh around as much as possible, and simply weed out the men who can't handle it. And by weed out, I mean remove them from society. Throw them in jail, and forcibly eliminate them from the gene pool. That would result in a far more pleasant outcome than policing women's wardrobes, and leading a literally buttoned-up lifestyle.

Platonic Erotica

Sexuality is a broad spectrum, and human diversity is vast. My own brother identifies as asexual, and I'm still wrapping my head around all the different kinds of asexuality there are. I told him I sympathize with the feeling that the raw sex act is kind of unappealing in all its messiness, but that I do not identify with asexuality because I still unmistakably experience those strong feelings of physical attraction and desire.

It was a revelation to me, reading Perv: The Sexual Deviant In All Of Us by Jesse Bering somewhat recently, that our disgust reaction is typically subdued with regard to people we find attractive. It's not rational to want to, e.g., put your tongue between somebody's legs, or let them excrete bodily fluids onto or into you, but we're programmed to find even the suggestion of such acts appealing - provided they're performed (or imagined) with somebody who stirs in you a physical desire.

It's helped me to understand some of my own feelings. Most people know instantly when they're attracted to someone, but if you notice somebody suspiciously dropping their standards of what they would usually find unappealing, targeted toward a certain person, that could be an indication that they're attracted to that person. I think some people have a broader range of attraction than others - and that's why, for example, it seems like some guys will fuck anything with a hole - but I think it's perfectly normal to have a narrower range and not want to engage in such behaviors but with a much smaller subset of the population. In the case of certain kinds of asexuality, that subset could well be zero.

Anyway, my brother told me he was "aegosexual" (as in, a-ego-sexual), which I understand to mean that you can still experience sexual feelings, but without having any desire to participate in sex. For example, you can have fantasies about other people (or characters) having sex, without wanting to insert yourself into the act. As someone who's obsessed with their own reflection, I think it's kind of sad not to have that experience of feeling sexy in your own body (and as an exhibitionist, feeling that your body is desired by others). But I was thinking that maybe I have something of a similar approach to erotic art.

When I create a magnificent piece of art, I want to share it with people. It just so happens that the type of art I'm most passionate about is art that showcases the beauty of the human body. Sometimes that's erotic in nature, other times it's not. But I distinguish such art from pornography in that its purpose is not strictly or even primarily sexual (what goes on in the viewer's head is their own private business). In my mind, it's divested from any kind of intimate relationship. So, aside from the public censure of genital exposure (which usually limits me to coyly posed nudes), I should be able to share it with friends, family, and strangers alike.

The thing is, I feel the same way about an excellent piece of art whether it's a "simple" nude or an erotic portrait. Obviously, not every picture I take is something I would be comfortable sharing broadly, with family and friends, or any other people I would feel weird about having sexual thoughts or feelings about me. But a really good piece of erotic art? Not cheap smut, but a carefully crafted diamond of eroticism?

It doesn't matter that I'm fully exposed. It doesn't matter that I'm presenting myself to the camera. It doesn't matter that my penis is throbbingly erect. I still think I should be able to hang it over the fireplace and print it on Christmas cards distributed to my family during the holidays. Yes, it's blatantly sexual. But it's not an invitation. It's not flirtation. It's not foreplay. It isn't about engaging in a sexual relationship with me. It's about a general celebration of human sexuality. In a way that's more impersonal, despite how personal such a depiction might seem.

Not everybody can be depicted in such a way. But I'm not an average-looking person; I'm a model. And although beauty is subjective, on some kind of objective scale I must be more to the attractive end of the spectrum (at least in my best moments - which is what I try to capture in these pictures). Those views aren't designed for private intimacy. They're designed to be plastered on billboards, and I don't think it would be inappropriate to put them there. And if I had friends or family who engaged in the same artistic pursuit, I'd be more than happy to share an appreciation for the fruits of those labors, without any kind of expectation of sexual intimacy.

All of these are things I've been saying for years. But now I'm thinking, maybe it could be related in some way to this asexuality stuff. The sexuality is present, conceptually, but divested from the subject of the photograph (me). It's like a Platonic form of eroticism - not in the sense of crossing a sexual boundary with your Platonic friends, but in being able to enjoy the erotic delights without reacting in a way that is explicitly sexual. Like appreciating the appeal of a sex scene in a movie enjoyed with friends, without treating it like a porno to be masturbated to. Or, you know, just talking or joking around about sex without creating an expectant atmosphere of sexual tension (like I know a lot of friend groups are capable of doing).

---

On a related subject, I've noticed for a long time now that my appreciation of eroticism - especially in an artistic context - both in myself and others, manifests in a way that is sometimes absolutely sexual, but often isn't. I browse naked pictures of beautiful people almost daily, and most of the time there isn't even a physical response. That's not why I do it. Mostly. But I still enjoy it. It still stimulates me on a psychological level. After all, not every part of attraction is purely sexual. When a man spots a beautiful woman and stumbles over his words, it's not (necessarily) because there's a bulge in his pants. I just think you can also appreciate the physical attributes on a level that's almost Platonic, too.

Maybe this is part of what I've been trying to explain as the difference between sexuality and eroticism. It's like when nudists say the human body is beautiful. Is there a sexual component involved? Of course there is! But there's more to it than that. And you can admire the same aesthetics that promote desire, also in a way that's not explicitly sexual. Most people can appreciate somebody who's attractive on some kind of generally objective level, regardless of whether or not they'd invite them into bed, given the opportunity. As a sex-positive activist, I don't think we should discount the potential sexual element, as nudists fervently do. But at the same time I don't think it should be a foregone conclusion. There is eroticism without explicit sexuality.

It's the difference between talking about sexual acts, and talking about sexual attitudes. Which is where I think a lot of nudists misunderstand me. Are we not able to appreciate erotic media and stimuli in ways that are, for lack of a better description, non-sexual? I get it. It's complicated. The language doesn't do justice to the complexities inherent in these concepts. The human brain is so complex. How is it that humans are frequently too dumb to understand the capacity of their own brains? We're trapped inside our closed minds, unable to imagine anything we weren't taught when the world was simplified for the benefit of children. And it's frankly repugnant, the way humans reject any attempt at increasing the resolution in our understanding of our own nature. They'd rather shut their eyes, and clamp their hands over their ears. We have so much more potential, and yet people just waste it. But it's not those people I cry for, it's the rest of us who are subjugated by the inability of the ignorant masses to imagine anything beyond their own tiny worldview. That's why I hate democracy. It's a tyranny of idiocy.

Naturism and Naturisn't

I know I'm the one that's out of the ordinary, but from my perspective, it seems bizarre that anyone would go to enjoy the outdoors, and not spend at least some of that time naked (depending on the weather - I'm writing this in the midst of a heat wave). Now, I don't expect everyone to enjoy nature the way I do. But it's frustrating that everyone else expects me to enjoy nature their way, and gets frazzled when I don't. I'm not demanding that anybody else get undressed. Yet, I'm expected to wear clothes against my own wishes!

I can understand, to a certain extent, why public nudity is verboten (there's a certain disconnect with reality when you look as good as I do). Although, there are times and there are places that are more reasonable than others. A campground in the woods, a public bathhouse, a river bank on a hot, summer day - these are places that practically demand nudity, and weep when it's censured. Yet indecent exposure is treated like a strict liability crime. If somebody sees your anatomy without consenting to it, that constitutes some kind of transfer of "unlawful carnal knowledge". At the very least, it's considered a severe breach of social etiquette, instead of just part and parcel of being organic creatures possessing physical form (as it should be).

To me, getting naked in nature is not just an integral part of my personal pursuit of happiness, it's legitimately part of my spiritual identity. I do go out of my way to engage in it without "spooking" anyone, even though I question whether it's fair that I should have to. Even so, I'm haunted by the anxiety that if somebody catches me, it won't be considered an invasion of my privacy, but rather that I've committed some kind of atrocity against the interloper. And in the wrong set of circumstances, it could be a severe crime indeed.

Whether or not reality reflects these fears, these notions are commonplace, and so people will behave as though they are true. All I want is peace - to be, and to be let be, enjoying nature the way it was intended. Without alcohol. Without trashing the environment. I'm just a gentle animal, unclothed, who respects the planet that bears us graciously upon its surface. Why do I feel hunted, like I'm some kind of vicious predator whose population needs to be culled? I'm harmless, and I'm endangered. The law should protect my way of life.

The Limitations of Cross-Fashion

The thing with transgender (and nonbinary) fashion is that our cis-normative society has catered certain fits to certain anatomy. This isn't solely a cultural thing - as men and women's chests and crotches are shaped very differently. But there's a lot that can be done to reduce the impact of a person's anatomy when they, e.g., want to dress in a style that's more conventionally associated with the opposite sex. For example, you can design a dress that's feminine without requiring an ample bosom to fill out the top, and there are certain styles that are more effective than others at disguising a bulge in the skirt.

What frustrates me (I was going to say "surprises", but it's really not surprising) is how much commercial, mass-produced pride gear is just conventional men or women's clothing with a transgender pride flag print slapped on it. In a certain sense, a lot of transgender individuals ultimately just want to pass as the gender they identify as - but for a lot of these people, for a significant portion of their journey, it's not always (sometimes, but often not) as easy as putting on clothes that were made for somebody with a different body.

I know transgender customers are an exceedingly small minority, but how common is it, exactly, for cis people to wear clothes printed with pride flags? It's great that allies can show their support, but not at the expense of overlooking the impacted population's ability to boost their own visibility. Or, you know, just to have something to wear. I really think there's untapped potential for fashion that caters to people who want to project a certain gender, while occupying the body of a different sex. Like, that pride flag string bikini might look incredible, but there's no way it's ever going to fit me well enough that I can actually wear it in public...

And do you know how hard it is to find thong underwear with the storage capacity to carry a package? You don't even need to be transgender to appreciate the advantages of wearing a thong! I tell you, men really miss out on so much living in a neurotically homophobic culture.

More To Nudity

It's sad that some people will go through their entire lives thinking that nudity's only function is a sexual one. Think of all the opportunities that will be missed, to enjoy the feeling of freedom that comes from being unclothed - alone, while not engaged in sexual activities, but especially in the company of platonic friends. Think of the artistry, and the beauty of the human form, that will go unappreciated in life, because every instance of exposure is interpreted purely in the context of the pursuit of sexual gratification. People are terrified to even glance at specific parts of other people's bodies, assuming that such anatomical knowledge is reserved for a sexual relationship. In the fitting room. At the pool. Lounging at home. We bend over backwards to make ourselves uncomfortable, all on account of an arbitrary taboo. Think of all the art, the entertainment, the humor, that will be passed up, written off, and ignored, treated as nothing more than simple-minded pornography.

I'm not saying it's wrong to enjoy the erotic appeal of the human body. I'm a passionate advocate for sex-positivity. It's not either/or. I just want to emphasize how much further the virtue of nudity extends. If you only ever get so far as to recognize its sex appeal and stop there, you'll be missing out on so much. Nudity can be an element of fashion (it sounds counter-intuitive, but it's really not - after all, you can't change clothes without getting undressed first); it can be an element of fitness and athletics (as in antiquity, and the original Olympics of ancient Greece). The human body, properly cultivated, has the potential to be a shining beacon of joy and inspiration in our frequently dour lives. If you only ever allow yourself to indulge in it in a sexual context, limited to a few private relationships, you're excluding yourself from so much pleasure and happiness. But it's not just about you, because this belief shared by society prevents other people from experiencing that joy also.