The Voyeur's Exhibition

This clone shot was conceived and completed all in the space of about an hour (with a pause in the middle for breakfast). I woke up to the noise of heavy machinery across the street, and stepped up on the furniture to take a peek out the window (covered on bottom for privacy, but open at top for natural light). As an artist who is my own muse, I often wonder how I look from a third person perspective, and I thought that this would be an interesting pose to photograph - so I did. There was some empty space in the frame, so I decided to throw in a clone.

It still amazes me how much of a taboo society puts on human genitalia. This is a beautiful portrait of the human body. You may or may not find it arousing (it's certainly fine if you do), but it's tasteful - not vulgar, or sexually explicit in any way. Why do certain parts of our bodies have this stigma, that they have to stay covered up all the time and hidden from general audiences? This isn't pornography. Yet we treat it as if it were.

Anyway, I think it's interesting that this is another in a long line of portraits from throughout my career that blurs the distinction between voyeurism and exhibitionism. I'm the one peeking out the window, curious to see what's going on outside, while staying hidden from view. Yet, I'm also the one who's naked - the thing voyeurs are typically on the lookout for. The fact that this whole situation (which really happened, I didn't make it up just for the shot) is being photographed and then shared with others makes it a wholly exhibitionist depiction of a voyeuristic situation - we're not seeing what the voyeur is seeing, we're seeing the voyeur.

I guess that's what happens when you're a nudist, but you're also an artist, and you understand the appeal of both voyeurism and exhibitionism. The really fun thing to imagine, though, is that this sort of thing might be going on when you're out on the street. That face in the window, almost wholly obscured by a curtain? That could be a naked person in there! And what's more, we always imagine (well, the prudes do) that it's some nosey old lady doing the snooping. But what if that naked person in there was actually attractive? It sounds like a fantasy, and the odds might be against it, but take it from a nude model who was in that very position just today - I'm telling you, it happens.

And as an artist, I make it my purpose to go the next step further, and show you. You're welcome.

Screen Capping

I hinted at this in an earlier post, but part of my photographic process as a self-portrait artist is to shoot short videos of myself doing the same sorts of things I would do while posing for pictures. Not so much in a behind-the-scenes way (honestly, I don't think there's anything especially interesting going on behind the scenes - the interesting part is what's in front of the camera - that's why I'm putting it in front of the camera), but to give my fans and followers a chance to see me in motion, which is more visceral than a still image, and one step closer to being there in person.

But in addition to sharing these videos, I like to review them and take screencaps of interesting moments. You might say this process is redundant, when fans will be able to view the video itself, and when I usually have similar photos taken of the same subject around the same time. But it serves an important purpose. As a self-portrait artist, I have many limitations, and one of them is not being able to watch while my subject poses, in order to pick out (or even direct) the poses that look good. Much of what I do is based on a combination of instinct and experience, derived from knowing my own body (through years of photographing it).

So, recording a video, and then reviewing it, allows me to simulate the experience of standing behind the camera and clicking the shutter (or in my case, the screencap button) while my model poses. But it also allows me to explore a more dynamic range of poses - especially action poses - in a shorter period of time than I could if I tried each one while taking a still image. And when I'm out shooting on location, getting naked in potentially risky areas, every second counts. If I only have, say, a minute to create some material before I have to get dressed and/or move along, then a short video will produce far more content than two or three still images created while running back and forth to the camera and waiting for the timer to count down.

I've front-loaded this post with all the advantages of the video screencapping process, because I want you to understand why I do (and continue to do) it. But what I really wanted to talk about are the disadvantages. Firstly, capturing a screenshot from a video yields a significantly lower resolution image than if I had taken a still image to start with. This is unfortunate, but I consider it a worthwhile sacrifice. I've always been more of an artistic photographer than a technical one - what matters is what's being pictured, not how crisp and clear the image is. Which is not to say that I wouldn't love to take technically stunning photographs, but I don't have thousands of dollars to drop on expensive lenses. And I'd rather make good art cheaply than give up on being an artist because I can't afford professional gear. Lucky for me, the camera(s) on an iPhone these days are pretty decent.

But the biggest drawback of the screencapping process is just how tedious it is. I can get up to a hundred captures or more from a video three or four minutes long. Naturally, I'll whittle those down to just the best dozen or two, in most cases. But that's still tens of images that need to be processed and watermarked (and images shot out in nature - which I take a lot of - are the most frustrating to watermark). Add to that the fact that I frequently shoot multiple videos when I'm out on location, and even just one day's haul of content can take a long time to process. That's why I have almost a whole summer's worth of content still unposted, even as another season is on the verge of starting.

I've said this before, but I enjoy the excitement and the adventure of going out on shoots more than the tedium of sitting in front of a computer processing images. I've toyed with the idea of going out to enjoy nude recreation without taking my camera along, but since my camera is also my phone, of course I'm going to take it - and I just can't seem to resist the temptation to photograph my activities. So the workload compounds upon itself. Perhaps I should just be a model, and let somebody else control the camera. But you see, I'm quite alone in the world of making nude art. Besides, I always wanted to be the photographer. I only started modeling because I had no one else to do it for me. There are all kinds of people who deserve to be modeling instead of me.

I hate to admit it, but it's not even just that the process takes so much time. If I sat down and powered through it, I could generate from one video a couple dozen images ready to be posted, in a matter of a few hours. But the going is monotonous, and when you have to repeat this process day after day, week after week, month after month, even year after year, I get burned out. It would be hard even if I were being paid a reasonable hourly wage. And while I have finally, after years of doing this, figured out a way to generate some modest income from it, it doesn't begin to approach minimum wage (even adjusted for part time work - imagine spreading just two weeks' salary over the course of a whole year). I continue to do it in spite of these facts because I'm passionate about it. And I'm honestly very lucky to be in a position where I can afford to spend the amount of time (and out-of-pocket expenses) that I do engaging in an activity that I, for the vast majority of the process, genuinely enjoy. Still, there's a lot of pressure in today's content-driven economy to keep producing at a steady rate, at the risk of losing followers (and therefore income) if you slack off. But you've already heard me complain about that before.

Note: all images accompanying this post are captured screenshots. Full motion videos are available to watch on OnlyFans.

Rainbow Sequins

It's nice that, among all the women in my family, I have such a reputation that, whenever anybody finds a pretty dress, their immediate thought is to give it to me, because they think I will like it. And they're right!

Which lends credence to my claim that the truest girls anymore are the transgirls, on account of how common it is these days for women to eschew stereotypical feminine stereotypes. You could lament this as a turning away from traditional gender roles, but if we want to maintain our freedom, then we NEED MtF crossdressers for their commitment to preserving the institution of femininity.

This is a funny anecdote, but I was walking out of the store one day with my partner, and some old guy chased after us solely for the reason that he wanted to compliment me on my long hair, telling me that "that's the way women should be." My partner and I just giggled and walked away. I didn't have the heart to tell him. :-x

Timeless

Here's an alternate image from an entry to my Why Nudism? series from 2018. I have a funny story to tell about the day I shot this image. I had to move a lot of furniture around to get this corner looking like I wanted it, so the rest of my living room was a mess.

I didn't know it at the time, but a large group of family was playing at the park down at the end of the street. Without any kind of advance warning, they decided to pop in for a hydration break and to use the bathroom. What's worse, they tried the front door before knocking (you gotta love family), and this was the one day out of a hundred that it wasn't locked.

So in they came, right in the middle of my photoshoot! Can you guess which of these outfits I was wearing? Let me just say, they were lucky I was shooting a concept that had a 2/3 chance of me wearing clothes. Because almost any other time, I would have been completely naked when they walked through that door.

But they were none the wiser, and were gone following a quick but rowdy interlude. Afterward, I walked into the bathroom only to be reminded that I had several pairs of girly panties hanging in the shower to dry - which I had hung up that day because I wasn't expecting anyone else to be in the house! What they each thought as they stepped into the bathroom I can only imagine, because nobody mentioned a thing...

Art Fizzle

I don't remember how it started, but last year around this time, when I was depressed and disillusioned following Patreon's really unprofessional and inappropriate handling of me, I started following a group of nude artists on Twitter. "Spaces" (where people connect on Twitter and have audio group chats) were becoming popular, and I became enchanted listening to other people talking about things related to creating nude art that I thought I was the only person in the world who experienced. It didn't even matter that these people were heavy into the NFT scene - which to this day I don't fully understand. It was the first time I'd ever felt connected to a community, and not just a lone, outsider artist. And they accepted me not just as a photographer of nudes, but as an erotic artist as well - something that the nudist community I used to follow never ceased to berate me about.

I was a lurker at first, listening in to conversations others were having - as is my personality. But when they started talking about organizing an artist's retreat, where photographers and models in the nude genre (with a heavy representation of artists specializing in "nudes in nature", which is something I've been focusing on lately) would get to meet and collaborate, I saw it as a unique opportunity for me to finally expand my horizons beyond self-portraiture. But I figured that in order to participate, it would be appropriate to actually be a part of the community, and not just a hanger-on.

So I made an effort - and it embarrasses me to admit how much of an effort this was - to overcome my limitations as a sufferer of crippling social anxiety, and participate in these audio group chats, so that the others could have a chance to get to know me. And it worked, for a while. I can't describe the severity of the physical and mental symptoms I experienced due to the stress and anticipation of joining these conversations. Some days, I just couldn't overcome it. Other days, I got up there and spoke, while shaking uncontrollably from the fear. I want to say that it was a good experience for me. I forced myself well outside my comfort zone. But it was torture. And as time went on, it became apparent that no amount of pushing myself would make up for my fundamental lack of social skills. In the long run, what I was getting out of it wasn't worth the suffering I was putting myself through.

But that's after the carrot was pulled away from me. I did all this with the thought in my mind that it would be worth it, for the opportunity to meet some of these people in person, collaborate with them as artists, and grow and overcome some of my limitations in the process. But as the weeks marched inexorably along, planning for this "artist's retreat" was almost non-existent. There was no sense of urgency or of the importance of making firm decisions in a timely fashion from this deliberately laidback group of artists. And I wasn't in any kind of position to keep them on task - even if I could. So the date came and went, and after sacrificing my own summer vacation that year in order to remain flexible up to the last minute, what was supposed to be a retreat for artists turned into, as far as I can surmise, a private shoot between one of the photographers and one of the models. (I don't disparage them for getting some use out of the time they must have set aside, but where was the consideration for the rest of us?).

Anyway, the whole community kind of fizzled out after that. Spaces died down to a large degree. NFTs are as volatile as they've ever been. The artists are still out there, hawking their art. In fact, a lot of them have Patreon accounts now, which just rubs salt in my wound. I'm disappointed, because it felt like we really had something going for a little while, and now it's all gone. Nothing has changed. And I'm right back where I've always been. Even Twitter itself is losing interest for me - again - this time largely on account of the toxicity of the trans movement. Whenever I support trans issues, the response I get is always a heartbreaking silence. Until I dare to exercise some of my critical thinking skills. Question any aspect of trans dogma, and activists will dogpile you and doubt your allegiances. I suffer more harassment from people who should be my allies than I do from transphobic bigots. Is it too much to ask to be treated with respect, even when you don't blindly follow a script? Haven't I earned it? This is why I don't like aligning myself with any groups. "The individual is the smallest minority." Guess I'll be a loner to the bitter end.

Porn Is Popular

Many of my most enduringly popular images (on photo sharing sites like DeviantArt*, or - formerly - Flickr) tend to be the more straightforwardly sexual ones (whether explicit or suggestive) that I've taken. And there seems to be little consideration to how artistic the image is, so that more and less artistic images will be favored - only so long as they're sexual. But images that are less overtly sexual will receive less attention, no matter how artistic they are. It's like my audience is, statistically, feeding a different appetite than the one I'm usually cooking for.

Part of me resents that fact. But I'm not gonna get up on my high horse and shame anyone for it (as I've seen plenty of other artists do). I shoot porn voluntarily because it's fun, and I enjoy that sort of attention. If I didn't, then I would stop. It's just that it's disproportionately popular, compared to the level of importance I put on it as an artist. I'd love to get more attention on my more artistic images (and for their artistic qualities) - which are still often erotic, but less vulgar. Yet, my experience bears out that porn is what predominantly draws the eye.

While I believe that quality trumps quantity - I've never been one to pursue numbers above and beyond value - everybody has to value numbers to a certain point. A few visionaries appreciating my artistry (of which I could always use more) means more to me than the droves of people just following their baser instincts. But the popularity of my work still isn't as high as I'd like it to be. So if creating porn gets me more attention, then why shouldn't I continue to do it? If, on the other hand, creating porn is preventing me from getting a higher caliber of attention - well, I resent that. I want to be respected as an artist, even though I create porn. You don't even have to like porn - it's not the only thing I do. I just want to be respected as a human being, and not tossed aside for one aspect of what I do.

But I have to wonder, if I'd never created any porn, would I even have the attention I get now? And if the attention that porn gets me still isn't enough, then how does anyone get by carving their whole career from safer subjects? Are they just that much better at making art? These are questions that plague me, that I just don't have the answers to. Nobody gave me a guidebook in life. I'm just feeling my way around in the dark. The only thing I have to follow is my internal compass.

*Taking a look back through my DeviantArt gallery, an irony presents itself to me. Regardless of what DeviantArt might want to believe about itself, this is a website that caters to fetishism. Even though they forbid pornography, an atmosphere of sexuality pervades the site, like a Japanese mangaka drawing an octopus. My most popular image, by a considerable margin, is a closeup photo of a penis with a tongue at its tip. If this is a sophisticated art sharing platform, there are an awful lot of people showing up just to look at porn. And I can't even give it to them! It's the pretending that bothers me.

The Intoxication of Mutual Desire

I've written about the "pervasive power of the male sex drive" before, but today I want to talk about something related, but slightly different. I'm taking the usual risks associated with making generalizations, as well as the possibility of contributing to sexist and heteronormative stereotypes. But I believe it will be worth it, in order to examine what I feel is an overlooked aspect of male sexuality.

If it's true, as they say, that women have a "biological clock", compelling them to mate with an eligible bachelor and start having babies (before it's too late), I believe that men have a correlate impulse. But it's a little more rounded (or at least it is in my case) than the single-minded drive to fuck.

I just don't think we give proper weight to how important it is, psychologically, for a man to have positive and meaningful interactions with the type of person he is attracted to. We write men off as being horndogs and womanizers, mindlessly driven by a disgusting appetite - and, unfortunately, a lot of men behave this way out of a deficit of good character traits. But the reality is - at least in my estimation - that relating to attractive women (in the case of the straight man) is of critical value to a man's sense of satisfaction and self-worth.

Yet many men, for a variety of reasons, are unable to achieve this. In a perfect world, I would flirt with pretty girls easily and with regularity, and probably be less miserable for it (and less invested in spending time complaining about my life on the internet). But I have a social handicap that prevents me from being able to do this. I don't feel entitled to anything. My expectations are tempered. I'm not going to take my frustrations out on anyone else, because that would be unfair. I just want to be permitted to admire attractive people in a way that's respectful, without having to pretend that's not what I'm doing, and without shame or unreasonable social or legal barriers, in a culture that celebrates such things, absent the regime of moral judgment and censorship that I'm unfortunately accustomed to.

I've said that I would be happy just to flirt with girls. The truth is, there doesn't even need to be any sex involved. I actually prefer the safety and comfort of monogamy. I just want to have meaningful interactions with attractive people, and know that my company and companionship is appreciated by them. I think that, just like women want to feel physically desired by the men they're attracted to (because this is the way men typically express attraction), men want to feel appreciated and valued by women they find attractive (because this is how women express attraction). Maybe these two things are not that different. Or maybe my experience is atypical. It's been said that "the desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man." Perhaps I'm relating more to the woman's feelings, on account of my unconventional gender identity.

But it isn't enough just to be desired. You must be desired by those for whom you also feel desire. It's sad that I can't get the same feeling of satisfaction from someone who expresses a one-sided attraction to me. Don't get me wrong - I value that attention very much, and it contributes greatly to my self-confidence. But knowing you could have something you don't especially want just doesn't have the power of knowing that if you chose to, you could get something you desire. And therein lies the heart of the universal problem of unreciprocated attraction.