Censored Brief

I came across this swimsuit patterned to look like a mosaic blur - the most popular alternative to the standard black censor bar - and I thought it looked fun. Naturally, the first question on my mind was, how convincing will it look on my body? Unfortunately, the product was not photographed on a model, as many other swimsuits are. But at the reasonable price of $18.25, I figured I could afford to eat the cost of a novelty, just so I could model and review the suit for other prospective buyers.

It arrived in the mail in a tiny pouch - you gotta love an outfit that can fit into the palm of your hand! I was so excited that I couldn't wait to try it on.

But I also wanted to show you what it looks like out in the sunlight:

Is it a fun conversation-starter? Absolutely! But does it effectively look like a mosaic blur, or will it have people scratching their heads? I'm not certain. If you're light-skinned, it will at least give the illusion - at a glance - of uncommon exposure. But I wonder if the colors don't blend together a little too much, especially at a distance. Plus, the contouring - the way it wraps around your body, especially given the male anatomy - pretty much guarantees that it will look like fabric stretched over skin, and not a planar blur hovering in front of your body. But that's probably inevitable for a piece of clothing - it's not magic.

Still, I have an academic interest in unconventional (especially ABC-style) clothing. I could imagine a swimsuit that's flesh-toned (and would ideally be marketed in a variety of tones from light to dark*), with something of a skirt over top - like some women's swimsuit bottoms or tennis skirts. But the skirt would be a translucent material, similar in appearance to one of those clear, patchwork-style shower curtains, or a privacy window film. Although I don't know how you would do this with a soft fabric as opposed to a plastic or vinyl material, and it may not hang properly when wet. But you'd be perfectly covered - it would just give the illusion of near-exposure. Sometimes I think I should have been a fashion designer...

*By the way, why is this not more common? I mean, other than the fact that it would simulate nudity, and most people are terrified of nudity. I think it sounds like fun. I'd love to have a true flesh-toned swimsuit. I'll let you in on a secret. One of my dream fashion creations involves a garment that would consist of a flesh-toned thong with a simulated fig leaf stitched to the front. Would make for a very cheeky swimsuit, that's for sure. Or a male stripper outfit. One or the other. Anyway, here's a sneak preview of the theme of a blog post coming soon: