Paraphilia and Sexual Normality

Personally, I think we should differentiate between those who have an exclusive fixation on an object or an isolated part of the body such that it and it alone can bring them arousal and/or orgasm (and frankly, I've never known such a person) and those who are merely enticed and excited by specific things, as one part (if an important part) of their overall arousal pattern.

Also, I think we should differentiate between fetishes that focus on inanimate objects or isolated animate objects (like specific parts of the body), and "fetishes" that can best be described as an unusual focus on a certain type of sexual organism (like, say, members of your own sex) - since, to me, it seems like there would be a significant difference in the mechanics of being attracted to a thing versus being attracted to a [living] being (however unusual or uncommon an attraction to that thing or that being might be).

To go further, I think it would be interesting to isolate the triggers for sexual attraction from those for romantic attraction, and determine to what extent they are related. Specifically, I think it would be fruitful to examine the difference between those who treat their fetish as an object with purely sexual purposes, and those who experience romantic feelings for their object (or being) of attraction. There's so much room for study.

None of this is to say that there is anything wrong, nor that there is nothing wrong, with such peculiarities - frankly, I think we are in no position to make such judgments, since our understanding of human sexuality is poisoned by very counterproductive biases on the nature of sexuality. Even so, it doesn't mean we can't study sexual abnormalities in a nuanced, scientific manner, separate from making value judgments about them.

Above all, I definitely think we should learn to differentiate between matters of sexual taste, and impaired psychological functioning. I know that if someone is turned on by something that grosses you out, the instinct is to say "that's sick, there must be something wrong with you", but we shouldn't mean it literally. It's not true in nonsexual matters (can you imagine "enjoys listening to country music" being a symptom of a psychological disorder?), and I think our belief that it's true in sexual matters is [mis]informed by our biases against sex.

A Little Music

You may have to turn your volume up a bit.

Contact Survey

I decided, on a whim, to do a quick survey of my contacts on flickr, just for the fun of it, to see what sort of photographers I follow and admire. The results are rather predictable. Out of a current total of 40 contacts, I have:

6 social contacts,
2 women who are aesthetic artists,
2 women who take naughty pictures,
7 women who dabble in erotic art,
6 male erotic photographers of women,
1 female erotic photographer of women,
12 teenage girls with cameras (who, despite what you may think, are amazing photographers),
1 mother who photographs her beautiful daughters very artistically,
and 3 girls who are mostly into fashion.

Pretty is Popular

"Pretty is popular". I really think that's the crux of the truth about beauty, and I think it's something that bothers a lot of people - especially those who are less or not pretty, but also some pretty people too. Arguments go around about how pretty people are always used in the media, on television, in the movies, on the covers of magazines, but the issue becomes especially heated when we talk about feminism and sexuality. Some women are concerned that they are being judged primarily or solely for their prettiness, or sexual attractiveness, while their other merits are being ignored. And they complain that feeding into the "pretty is popular" culture just encourages that.

Is that reason to disparage, or even discard, the "pretty is popular" culture? Can such a thing even be done, or is it an inevitable part of human nature? Would undermining the popularity of prettiness even have the effect intended - to boost women's perceived value (by men, presumably) in all areas other than physical beauty? These are all questions that need to be asked and considered. Personally, I think it's futile to rail against the popularity of prettiness. And personally, the quality of prettiness brings me more joy than frustration. Granted, I am not female. However, I do have an unusual amount (for a male) of envy towards pretty girls, as I'd love to be one. Nevertheless, I don't view prettiness as a thorn in my side - it's the ray of sunshine that gets me through life.

Are women judged for their physical beauty to a greater extent than men? I think that's the important issue, that determines whether this is just a human nature thing, or if it's also a feminist/gender issue. And I'm willing to believe this is the case. Maybe because of years of patriarchal tradition, where men have been judged for their competence, while women have been seen as little more than wives and mothers (yet, though wives may be prized for their attractiveness, is it not true that a mother's good qualities are derived from skills of competence?). Assuming this is the case, the next question is, does our emphasis on the physical attractiveness of women significantly overshadow their other merits? In other words, are we judging pretty women just for their prettiness, and are we judging less pretty women harshly in spite of their other positive qualities and competencies?

I think, largely, it's a matter of image. I think the real amount to which women are judged solely on their appearance is small. I think men have an instinctual reaction to women, that could be described as vain, but I don't think it's a deep-seated commitment to valuing women solely for their appearance. I think men are perfectly capable of judging women on their other positive qualities and competencies. But I think it's very easy to point out instances of the "pretty is popular" culture as if they were indications of an underlying "unpretty is useless" attitude. Of course pretty women are going to draw attention. Of course they are well utilized as the visual image of a company or campaign - after all, isn't that what physical beauty is good for? Does this fact necessarily imply that unpretty women with other talents aren't going to be appreciated and utilized for other parts of the company or campaign? Frankly, I don't think so. But it's so very easy to feel like that's what's going on.

I'm not going to argue that women have equal opportunities compared to men. I just don't have the experience/data/knowledge to make that judgment. There is no part of me that wants to obstruct women's struggle for more and better opportunities in this world, and to be taken seriously, and judged adequately, and all of those things. I just don't want those things to be gained at the cost of beauty and sexuality. And I don't believe that it is necessary that beauty and sexuality be sacrificed for those goals to be attained. I think men could probably stand to be a bit more sensitive about women's feelings regarding being judged for their appearance, but I don't see what purpose it serves to undermine men's specific appreciation for the attractiveness of a female. It's something we must come to terms with, not try to defeat.

Just because a man tells some girl, "I like you because you're pretty", does not mean that he's also telling you, "I don't like you because you're not pretty." Don't fall into the trap of thinking that.

Also, if you complain about not being valued for your prettiness, you're giving off the impression that's the only merit you, as a woman, could possibly have. Emphasize your other merits. Being obsessed with prettiness (or the lack thereof) only plays into and contributes to the stereotypes you're railing against.

A Nudist Rant

The following is an angry rant I wrote after reading sentiments suggesting that clothing is some kind of a necessary barrier preventing people from behaving like uncivilized apes. It is not directed at anyone in particular, but the points contained within, while forceful, I think are strong.

I mean, if someone is pissing on a park bench, then that's a sanitary concern. If someone is walking up to people and swinging his junk in their faces, then that's a behavioral issue. None of this has anything to do with what the person is wearing. If the only problem is that a person is naked and you don't want to look at him, then piss off. That doesn't give you any recourse to the law. I've seen plenty of ugly people I'd rather not have to look at, but there's no law against them coming out in public, and it's very easy for me to just not stare at them. The whole nudity taboo is arbitrary and unfair. What if there were a taboo against showing ears in public? What about the people who don't like covering their heads? If there are groups of people who don't like nudity, then let them have spaces where they can be free from nudity, but when it comes to shared public ground (and especially private ground, no matter where it is visible from), there should be no law against it. And it is the people who are deathly afraid of nudity in any situation that are insane, not the people who think it might be nice to doff all of one's clothes on a particularly warm summer day, for example.

Following on that thought, any practical argument against nudity is conditional. Though there may be practical arguments against nudity in specific contexts (sanitation is a popular one), there are just as strong (or stronger) practical arguments for nudity in other situations. If you're arguing pragmatically against nudism, then you have no choice but to concede that in some cases public nudity ought to be acceptable (like, say, at the local swimming hole). The only convincing argument for an across-the-board ban on nudity in public - though it shouldn't be convincing - is based on moralistic beliefs about nudity that usually conflate it with sex, reinforced by a lifelong tradition of gymnophobia (you have no idea how persistent habitudes are). Neither of these conditions should trump the practical considerations (and health benefits - both mental and physical!) for a more casual acceptance of nudity. No amount of your moral outrage outweighs my right to - for example - sunbathe on my front lawn naked. If you can't handle it, you're too sheltered, and if you don't want to be exposed to such things, you're more than welcome to lock yourself up in the privacy of your own home - or, barring that, put up a fence (yes, that's your responsibility, not mine). But your moral beliefs and personal standards of decency have no jurisdiction over what I do on my property, nor my state of dress when I'm on public streets or in public parks or the like.

In all honesty, I think it's only fair that anyone spend a considerable amount of time in a nudist environment before arguing against nudism. I've spent a lifetime in a textile environment, even though I might prefer a nudist one (clothing optional is the best of both worlds), and nobody ever asked me if I wanted to wear clothes, or whether I preferred to see other people dressed, rather than nude. If you can't respect my preferences, why should I respect yours? (Aside from the fact that your preferences are conveniently written into law...)

Women as a Sexual Commodity

Ironically, I think that if women started asserting themselves sexually more, they would be commodified less. And that can only happen if we stop shaming women who do assert themselves sexually. Women have to demonstrate that they have a mind of their own, and that they like sex, or else men will continue to want to commodify them for sexual pleasure (whether or not they continue to have the power to do so).

I hear a lot of cross-talk between the male camp and the female camp, but I really don't think either one understands the other. The whole feminist movement has given the female voice a lot of exposure, but I don't think a lot of people are giving the male voice a fair audience. I understand that females have been disempowered for a long time, but today's males aren't responsible for hundreds of years of subjugation, is it right that they be punished for it? The point of the civil rights movement wasn't to enslave white people in order to get even. The point of it was that slavery was wrong - for anyone.

Both sides must be willing to listen compassionately to the other side. And I see a lot of criticism of male sexuality as if it were the in vogue or politically correct thing to do these days. Pornography is degrading to women. Men are sexual predators. Attraction to physical beauty is vain and shallow. I'm a male, and I try very hard not to be a creep or a predator or what have you, but I have these sexual feelings, and I refuse to feel sorry for myself for having them. Look, I want to make a compromise with women. I have sexual needs, and I'm sensitive to the needs of women. I'm not like the men that are out there that don't listen to women. I want to listen. But I don't want my own needs and feelings to be belittled either.

As an erotic artist, over the past few years, I've noticed a very conspicuous disproportion between males and females in the sexual community. Maybe women are more likely to be the subject (or object, if you will) of porn, but men are by far the more frequent fans/users. I see virtually no women expressing a sexual agency, admitting an interest in sex. I've looked and looked for women who can appreciate the work I'm doing and give me some feedback, and they are practically non-existent. The only thing keeping me from turning gay purely out of convenience is the fact that I'm really not attracted to men.

Is this a biological phenomenon or a social phenomenon? I don't know. I wish I had the answer to that question. I want it to be a social phenomenon, because then I think it would be easier to change (though still not easy). But regardless of what's causing it, this is what the effect is: lots of men possessing a demand for sex, and very few women providing the supply. The trouble is that women don't seem to want sex. So men have two choices. Go without sex. Or force a woman to have sex.

I know, I'm offensively simplifying the issue. But it's because I'm trying to make a point. It's a subconscious attitude that some men may have. Maybe it's heinous, but we can't get rid of it until we identify it and talk about it. I'm a nice guy, there's no way in hell I'm going to force a woman to have sex with me just because women aren't giving me the sexual attention I crave. Yet I can't help feeling a little resentful of that.

Now, I'm sensitive and I'm intelligent, so I'm trying to find an ethical way to get around my problem - that is, lobbying for more freedom of sexual expression, fighting the institution of sexual shame, because I think freer attitudes towards sex will allow more women to be more open about their sexual feelings. But another person who is not quite so sensitive, or intelligent, might deal with this resentment another way. Like, say, insulting women for not responding positively to his unsolicited sexual advances.

I'm just considering the possibilities. And I absolutely don't condone that behavior. But while we ought to discourage it, it doesn't help to solve the problem if we don't look at what's causing it. And I think one of the primary sources is the sexual disparity between males and females. Whatever causes it, and whatever we can to do alleviate the problems that result, that's an issue we need to deal with.

There Are Only Two Kinds of Porn

Misogynist porn, and gay (male) porn.

I don't really believe that, I'm just trying to make a point.

It's curious to me the way some guys just assume you want to look at pictures of their dick. I don't mean when you'd rather be looking at family portraits or landscapes or something, but even when you're looking at porn. I can understand taking the benefit of the doubt when it's not clearly stated, but it's the people who don't even check that I don't understand. Why would a straight guy who's interested in girls want to look at gay porn?

I have nothing against different people with their different tastes, and I don't even mind a little intermingling. It's just that I would check first before I decided to show a girl a picture of my dick. Maybe she's only interested in other women. Maybe she doesn't like those kinds of pictures. I guess it's just the way I am. I like to research things and make sure my footing is solid before taking that first step. I see a lot of people who just barge in headfirst. Shoot first, ask questions later.

And though they might get tasked every so often when they barge through the wrong door, it also seems to be the case that they're more likely to get the things they want. After all, you can't get what you want if you don't ask for it, and sometimes you'll find it in places you wouldn't expect. Winning takes trial and error, and that involves quite a bit of error. Really I'm just envious of people who have that kind of confidence, that "go get it" attitude, and that resilience in the face of (potential) criticism.

On the other hand, I'm not like that, and I don't like the implication that there is only one type of personality you have to have if you want to get anywhere in life. (which seems to be the case - and I don't have it). So, being the person I am, I can't help wondering. What kind of a mindframe do you have to be in to go around soliciting random strangers with pictures of your dick, waiting to find out if they appreciate it by the tone of their reaction? Is that why so many people (especially girls) complain about how rude people (especially guys) are about sexuality? Because, I mean, if that's turning girls off of sexuality overall, that's really unfortunate. Because there is such a thing as a sensitive and caring sexuality. And it's not something that only females can possess.