Naked As The Day

Chapter 1

I was born naked. I wasn't raised that way, but I eventually found my way back - in fits and spurts. I remember running through the sprinkler at 8 years old, being startled by the neighbor girl peeking through the fence. Around 14, I borrowed my parents' camcorder for a school science project, and satisfied my curiosities about the human body (before destroying the evidence). In college, I didn't see any reason to carry anything more than a towel through the halls of my dorm on the way to the shower. As an adult, I'd take summer strolls through my suburban neighborhood in the middle of the night, always on alert for passing cars, getting spooked by the occasional motion sensing porch light. I kept these excursions a secret due to social convention and the fear of being accused of indecent exposure (soon to be an antiquated concept), but I was never bothered by the fundamental idea of being seen without being dressed.

Which is why I was intrigued when I first heard about the U.S. government voting on a provision to guarantee its citizens the unassailable right to spend their birthdays in what is colloquially referred to as their "birthday suit". In other words, naked as a jaybird. I'm not gonna lie, it's a pretty radical experiment. But we're living in exciting times, after all. Having spent years on the brink of global catastrophe, the ever-growing rift between political factions has finally imploded - mostly on account of elder conservatives dying off and being replaced by younger, more progressive activists. As it goes. For once, I feel excited about the future. We're even finally taking measures to combat climate change - and one of them is a dramatic overhaul of the textile industries.

Fast fashion has given way to fashion fasting - that is, abstaining from clothing. It is by no means widespread - yet. But search the hashtag on TikTok and you'll see an endless stream of people embracing the "No Laundry" challenge, lounging at home in their underwear - or less. Slowly, but surely, our culture is becoming less scandalized and more accustomed to skin exposure, as the planet heats up and the clothes come off. Social media algorithms are in the process of being reprogrammed NOT to flag the human body for censure. The Guardian recently reported on Mark Zuckerberg's procurement of the web domain for Skinbook, pivoting focus from his floundering metaverse (rejected by a generation grown up in lockdown, and bored with social isolation), likely in anticipation of the wave of nudes that will begin to be shared once society realizes it's no longer taboo.

But we're not there just yet. A trendy minority might be having clothing optional house parties with friends (and friends of friends), but I don't see random people walking around naked in public. With the passing of this new law, however - guaranteeing citizens the right to dress down (all the way down, to their skin) on their birthdays - that's exactly what I'm expecting. It'll probably be a few years before the practice really takes off (if it ever does), but I'm excited to be on the vanguard of this revolutionary social change. I can't pass up this opportunity - I was born for it! How many people will take advantage of their newfound freedom the first year? Not many, I imagine. That's why it's up to people like me to show them the way. There's just one problem: my birthday's in January.

(To be continued...?)