More Bikinis

I headed to the store in my hoodie and flip flops to try on some bikinis, because what else can you do when you're riding out a severe thunderstorm?

There were some cute styles, to be sure, but the fits on them were all very iffy. As impractical a garment as this is for me (there are very limited circumstances under which I can actually wear a bikini outside of a private photoshoot - although that is also a valid reason to own some), I think bikinis are so much fun, I can't help being drawn to them. Repeatedly.

As feminine as my body may be, it's never quite feminine enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I like my body the way it is. I like to believe I have a healthy body image - I work to stay fit (and reap the psychological benefits), but I've come to terms with the imperfections that I can't change. Nor do I have an overpowering sense of dysphoria, like I was "born in the wrong body". The body I have isn't foreign to me - it's the one I'm used to, that I've inhabited since birth. It's just that I like the female body more; and not just to admire, since I can't ever seem to get enough of that. I suppose, if I had the privilege to follow girls into the changing room, watch them try on clothes, and take pictures of them in (and out of) their different outfits, maybe that would satisfy me. I don't know. But not being able to have that experience up close and personal bothers me. (Why do we live in a culture where this kind of adoration is villainized? I don't want to sneak up on unsuspecting strangers, but we hardly live in a society where it's appropriate to request to do this sort of thing). And it gets to a point where I want to be so involved in the experience of being a girl, that I may as well just be one myself, if only I could. I'm not deluded, and pretending to be something I'm not. I'm just trying to pursue the things that make me happy.

I mean, I can't tell you how much fun I would have if I were a full-blown girl. I know what it's like to find a cute outfit that you look pretty and feel confident in. And swimsuits are my favorite type of outfit, because they give you a rare excuse to expose most of your body in public and not be considered a perverted deviant. But given the impracticality of wearing bikinis for me, I feel left out. There just aren't comparable options in men's swimwear (considering that you have to go online to find men's swim briefs, they don't come in nearly as many - or as cute - styles, and the places you can wear them are limited compared to women's bikinis). So I'm robbed of the opportunity to go to the store, find a cute swimsuit that I look pretty and feel confident in, and then wear it out in public and get the attention and admiration I know I deserve (from observing the same thing happen when girls do this). All because my fashion compass is oriented towards the opposite gender to the one commonly associated with my biological sex...