Outdoorsman

Life takes us in strange directions sometimes. I wouldn't have thought, when I was younger, that I'd turn out to be an outdoorsman. I mean, I remember Cub Scout camp fondly, but I quit Boy Scouts within one week of leveling up - though probably on account of the social aspect. One thing I like about the wilderness is solitude. Having said that, I still find myself wishing I had some companions on the same wavelength as me (and who could keep up with me).

I have zero interest in hunting and fishing, which are so popular. I like to hike, bike, and kayak. But the greatest feeling in the world is hiking through the woods on a hot summer day (no cold weather adventures for me), finding a swimming hole to cool off in (even if it's just a tiny creek), and then drying out in the sun on a rock. And if I can do it naked, it feels a hundred times better. I know that might sound weird, but it's perfectly natural. Life's too short to deny ourselves these healthy, harmless pleasures, on account of some arbitrary societal taboo.

Workload

I have the will. I have the motivation. I have the attention span. I get up in the morning, and I'm prepared to sit at my desk all day processing photos. It needs to get done. I want to get it done. The backlog is only growing, never shrinking. But I can feel the nerve damage in my arm from too many hours at this computer. My mind's ready to work, but my body is shutting down. What can I do? If I push through it, the damage will get worse. If I put it off, I'm shirking my duties. If I switch to another part of the process - shooting photos rather than processing them - then I'm just sentencing myself to even more work in front of the computer later.

So much of what we do these days is at a computer. My side project (designing a video game) involves working at the computer. My other side project (hosting a blues/rock music log) involves working at the computer. My recreation (playing video games) involves sitting at the computer. Communicating with my family and friends online involves sitting at the computer. And I have to reserve my strength for the marathon task of designing a year-end photobook for my family (mostly not involving self-portraits), which takes up all of November. If I switch from one activity at the computer to another activity at the computer, it doesn't solve the problem. And if I hamper my ability to do one thing at the computer, it will affect everything else I need to do at the computer. I don't have sick leave. I don't have disability. I don't even have a real job, so if I don't hussle doubletime, it makes me feel like I'm not deserving of a paycheck, even though I don't actually get a paycheck (it's insidious how that psychology works).

I think I need to re-evaluate some things. Like why I'm killing myself for a hobby that doesn't pay commensurate to the work I put into it (I know the answer is that I'm passionate about it, but that's not going to keep me intact to continue doing it). I need to re-adjust my attitude about it, and start saying "fuck off" to the email notices that tell me how long it's been since my last upload, and demand (figuratively speaking) that the hosting platform start paying me before it's able to make those kinds of demands on my time. And I really should get a new computer chair, maybe even a new computer desk. It's just so hard to find a chair I like - I bought one the day the lockdowns commenced in March of 2020 (already four years ago), got it home, and didn't even like it. So I'm still sitting in a chair I've had for I don't even remember how long. And you have to match the chair height to the desk height, taking into account the position (and padding) of the arm rests - which aren't always adjustable. How does anyone do it? I'm not made of money, either...

Clones (Three Different Ones)

I just shot this image today. (This is what I do). I'd usually sit on it for months if not years before sharing (only because I've got so much else already in the queue), but I really liked it and wanted to show it off. Plus, it generated some thoughts in my head. Three thoughts - one for each clone depicted.

1) I feel like creating images like this one should earn me a free pass to walk around naked with immunity. "See - it's worth giving me this freedom. I'm making beautiful art!" Not only would I not have to sneak around - imagine the interesting images I could come up with in the city!

2) I know that asking my fans whether I'm a talented artist is preaching to the choir, but I can't really show off my best works to an impartial audience for evaluation, because the very subject of my art - nudity - is taboo! But I really want to be acknowledged, and told that my skill has improved (compare: my first clone shot from 16 years ago), and that there really is something to what I'm doing here. I mean, I already believe it. But I need the psychological reinforcement, from somebody who doesn't just think I'm hot (because - I'm sorry for the stereotype, but it's statistically true - perverts are known to be indiscriminate towards matters of artistic taste).

3) I feel like the images I create are more interesting (because they're novel) than the dime-a-dozen images of naked women you'll find in artist society. But people won't even give them a chance, because they're conditioned to view men's bodies in a certain, limited way. I started this journey with zero interest in the aesthetics of male nudity, but I've totally turned myself around. People are missing out on a wonderful new kind of beauty, because they're too narrow-minded. Maybe what I do helps in some small way. But change takes too long. I'll be rotting in my grave before I can see the fruits of my labors. What's the point of that? I mean, I'll still do it. But what kind of bumbling fool designed things this way?

"What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering."

- from Catch-22, by Joseph Heller

Sex and Nudity in the Great Outdoors

or, Naturism vs. Ecosexuality*

Like much in the life of an introverted loner tends to be, my photography is largely a solitary activity. It's partly what gives me the freedom to shoot my self-portraits nude. And, in addition to having a virtually limitlessly welcoming audience in the early days of sharing my art online, it's what has enabled me to shoot freely and without any unnatural boundaries between nudity and eroticism. I simply follow my instincts, and concern myself with categorizing my work after the fact. But it does make it difficult sometimes to differentiate the messages I want to send through my photography, between promoting nudism and sex-positivity - two philosophies that coexist peacefully in my head, but that the conscious construction of civilized society has separated by an artificial barrier.

In a more perfect world, there would be less of a taboo surrounding the subject of sex - particularly when and where and how and who people have it with. That doesn't, necessarily, mean we would all have sex openly and in front of each other. I respect the institution of privacy we've erected around the sex act. Very much like the privacy we give ourselves during the bodily act of waste removal. We could all hypothetically "do our business" in front of each other, and the universe wouldn't fall apart. But I don't particularly enjoy that scenario. If other people are less uptight about it than some - that's fine. It's their choice. And I think we should have more of that kind of approach toward the subject of sex. It's a bodily function. Even if we agree to maintain privacy, if somebody wants to step aside and "rub one out", it needn't have to be a secret, or something to be embarrassed about.

The real point of this discussion is a particular concern I've had for a while now. When I get out into nature, I'm always on the lookout for some privacy, so I can enjoy a little nude recreation. The vast majority of the time that this happens, I'm alone. Nudism is not very mainstream, you see, and if you're naked around other people, they'll assume a sexual motive (which only in very limited circumstances will be received positively). But since I'm alone, and I enjoy the physical sensations of being outdoors - in the heat and sunshine, without clothing, so that my skin can come into direct contact with the elements that surround me - on occasion I do get the urge to engage in a little, shall we say, self-stimulation. It feels good. It's healthy (allowing yourself sexual release is part of taking care of your body). I don't see any reason to feel ashamed of indulging in it. Yeah, it feels a little rebellious to do it outdoors in the open air, and not in a room with the door shut. But that's also part of what makes it so much fun. It's not that I want to be seen by nonconsenting parties. I'm not doing it around other people. But I still worry that doing it at all "taints" the otherwise wholesome quality of simply being naked in nature. And it makes me second guess the desire I frequently feel to share my naturist experiences with other people.

So, a couple of questions begin to form in my head. Is the sexual aspect an integral part of the naked experience? The answer to that one has to be no, because there isn't always a sexual aspect (it's not the reason I do it), and I'm perfectly content even when that doesn't happen (it's not like I feel like something is missing, or that the experience was a waste). The whole outing isn't charged with a sexual atmosphere - it's just certain, isolated moments that a feeling might wash over me (something that's less likely to happen in the presence of other people). And the second question is, do I actually want to share the sexual element with another person, or is it just the nude part that I wish I could have company for? Well, there's always a part of me that would enjoy sharing the sexual element with the "right" person - namely one that I specifically have an attraction to, and on the necessary provision that they're interested as well. But I feel like that's something separate.

When I daydream about starting a non-landed naturist club, or even just having other nudist friends to hang out with, it's the nude part I want to share, not any sexual element. Again, in a perfect world, if I were hanging out with nudist friends, and I felt the urge to take a moment to myself and "enjoy" the sensations of nature, it'd be nice if I could do that without feeling like I have to be super-secretive about it, and without the fear of judgment by my peers. (That said, it's fine even if I couldn't - that's not the goal of the experience, just an optional add-on). I recently had an epiphany - and that's why I'm laying out my feelings now - that it's not all that different than if you had to relieve yourself. You would go off into the bushes to take care of it with some measure of privacy. It's not anything to be ashamed of, and it's not something any mature person should hassle you for (apart from maybe some good-natured teasing). As an activity it's separate from the nudity - even if I have to hide the nudity too, because our culture doesn't get nudism. If I were with other nudists, and not alone, I would know better, and keep it to myself. It's no different than if a nudist couple were by themselves and decided to engage in a little intimacy. You can enjoy sex outdoors and still be a genuine and conscientious naturist, behaving yourself in the presence of others.

*I just learned of this term (ecosexuality), and frankly, it sounds like a perfect fit for me - linking the sexual appeal of being in the midst of nature (such as masturbating while gazing up at the Milky Way - to pick an example from my own recent experience) with activities like skinny dipping and environmentally conscious activism. Maybe I've been ecosexual all this time? Well, I'm still attracted to humans, and I still want to share non-sexual nude experiences with platonic friends and acquaintances. But I can do and be both, right?

I really love the non-judgmental and broadly-encompassing aspects of the descriptions I'm reading. Like, yeah, there can be sex involved without dragging the whole thing into the gutter. And that sexuality can inform and interface with other parts of the philosophy that have little or nothing to do with sex. These are both elements of what I support about a sex-positive attitude - 1) viewing sex positively, and 2) breaking down the wall of exceptionalism that circles it and artificially isolates it from every other aspect of our lives.

It's refreshing to know that there are other people out there who aren't infected by the dark age mentality that is so widespread as to be taken for granted, as if it's the only valid perspective. What is isn't the only way it could be, and isn't necessarily the way it should be. That's what I hate most about conservatives - their inexplicable aversion to progress. They're stuck in the here and now, as if things are so great already that we don't need to improve anything (actually, they want to regress to some fantasy of better times in the past, but that's even worse). Have some imagination, people!

Let It Be (Naked)

If casual, social nudity were truly mainstream, I think something important would be lost from nudism. There would be advantages and disadvantages - the comfort and convenience, but also issues with hygiene, etc. But some fundamental part of the thrill of being naked would be gone.

The taboo adds a little spice to it, I can't deny. But, that said, I still don't think "getting your kit off" should constitute a crime. An eccentricity, perhaps. But not a severe breach of social etiquette, or a violation of our ethical code.

It should be playful. It can be naughty, but in a toothless kind of way. It needn't be altogether widespread, but you should be able to come across, on occasion, a nude person on the basketball court on a hot summer day. At the pool or beach. In a laundromat or locker room. Without any fanfare. Just a "hmm, would you look at that!" No need for police, or any kind of confrontation.

The world doesn't have to join me. And it can have common sense regulations ("responsible nudity in reasonable contexts"), like in stores and restaurants. I just want it to let me be my weird, wonderful self, in a way that harms nobody (not really), without hassle. What's the big deal, anyway? Life's too short to live in fear, hiding who we truly are.

Looking vs. Feeling Naked

To be a nudist, I have an advantage, in that I'm at least moderately attractive (depending on who you ask). I like the way I look. I enjoy admiring my reflection in the mirror, or my likeness in a photograph. Sometimes, even just glancing down at my body makes me happy. But I understand that even I am not always the most pleasant thing to look at. It must be hard for people who don't actually like the way they look. People who, when they get a glimpse of their body, it reinforces their own negative self-image. There are a lot of people out there - most of them, I would wager - whose bodies I don't need, or have any special desire, to see more of.

But one of the things nudists like to say - that nudism is about being naked, not about seeing people naked - there's some truth to that. Yes, the human body can be a beautiful thing, and it's nice to be able to admire that, in a way that textile culture doesn't so readily permit us to do. But that's the exception to the rule. I was sitting out on the porch naked, hunched over, thinking that I'm gonna have to cover up when guests arrive. And I was thinking that, well, okay, they don't want to see me naked, and I can actually understand and empathize with the custom of covering our bodies up, given that (especially in this age of rampant obesity) in many cases that's a not entirely pleasant view that we could do without.

But then I thought about how, even if I were wearing, say, a loose dress over my body, I'd still have to wear underwear to keep me contained (otherwise I could not be considered "decent" despite being technically covered) - and that restrictive feeling on my anatomy is exactly what I hate most about clothing, and why I prefer to be unencumbered by textiles. And if I were being active, the looser, more flowy clothing would have a tendency to get in the way. There's really no good solution. Even if I wanted to cover up to preserve other people's sensibilities, I'm gonna have to sacrifice comfort, and the euphoric feeling of freedom that nudity gives you - that I like to call "gymnophoria".

So it's a tradeoff. With attractive people, there's little to be lost from letting them go naked (although beauty is a highly subjective quality). But for the rest of us (which is most of us), we have to choose: dignity, or freedom. I actually respect nudists for keeping things in perspective and allowing themselves to be comfortable regardless of the aesthetics. But it's a hard sell to get the rest of our textile culture on board with that philosophy. Oh, if only someone could invent some kind of workaround, where people could feel naked, while appearing dressed. Ideally, with an option for those of us free spirits to enable those who consent to bypass the "appearing dressed" part. Hasn't our technology caught up to this possibility yet? Some kind of "augmented reality" version of the Emperor's new clothes? Let's get on this, already.

It Ain't Me

Whether they're total fabrications spun from whole cloth, or legitimate issues with isolated segments of a vast and commercialized industry (I've heard both), 0% of the justified concerns lobbied against the sex trade apply to the work I do (as, some would say, "a purveyor of smut").

And yet, my livelihood and my freedom of expression is hamstrung by indiscriminate measures taken to curb the allegedly rampant excesses of the sex trade, because opponents care not to distinguish ethical sex work from abuse and exploitation.

Even if this were an unintended casualty of the war on sex, it would be unforgivable in a country that abhors injustice, and that has enacted failsafes to prevent miscarriages in the legal system to mistakenly harm the innocent.

But I profess that this is not merely a casualty - it is the primary goal of the religious zealots who head these awareness campaigns, to stain all sex work with the taint of immorality, and to recruit secular humanitarians with insidious lies about the evil crimes they claim that unscrupulous perverts are committing against innocent populations.

Wholesome

It's hard to promote an activity or lifestyle - especially when you're promoting it as wholesome (which then tends to come off as suspiciously insincere) - when society doesn't allow you to do it in front of children. Like, consider this. Children aren't allowed to drink alcohol. But you're allowed to drink alcohol around children. You don't have to hide it. You don't have to pretend you don't do it, or pretend you don't like it. You can do it right in front of them! You can even make it an integral part of your family get-togethers. Children aren't allowed to smoke, either. But you're allowed to smoke around them - even though this is demonstrably harmful to their health. They can't drive, but it'd be ridiculous to suggest that you should never drive in their presence.

But just because - what? children aren't allowed to have sex? - not only is that a taboo subject of conversation in the presence of children (hampering any effort to educate and promote good health practices), but you can't even be naked in front of them, despite the fact that nudity isn't automatically related to sex. Everyone has a naked body of their own, that they can look at as much as they want to - exactly what are we hiding them from? Yet, if you like to lounge around naked at home, you're expected to scramble for clothes (while feeling like a fugitive) whenever there comes a knock on the door. Even at a backyard barbecue on a hot summer day, when everybody else is in the pool, you can't swim comfortably the way you like to. You have to pretend you're one of those loopy textiles who swims with their clothes on, no matter how much you hate wearing wet clothes, or how much you enjoy the feeling of drying out naturally in the fresh air and sunshine. And you'd better think twice before making a joke about skinny dipping, because if there are any kids within earshot, somebody might think you're being inappropriate!

It's (obviously) a harder pill to swallow being an experienced nudist. What makes it weird is that I've been naked in the company of children who were complete strangers. Because we're all nudists, there's an understanding between us, and it's fine. But I can't reveal this aspect of my life to some of my closest friends and family? Even though they might be curious - if they're still minors, and their parents are too jaded to ever conceive of a context in which social nudism could be a wholesome and nonsexual activity - you have to button your lip and sweep it under the rug, and go on feeling like an outcast with a shameful secret you can't divulge. Even though, in reality, it's something you're proud of.

I don't want to put innocents in peril, and it bothers me that we live in a world filled with dangerous people, so that we can't have nice things. But sometimes we expose children to things that can harm them - like secondhand smoke (we're getting better at this), or a culture of alcoholism (why is getting shit-faced drunk a teenage rite of passage?), not to mention the violence in our entertainment (Deadpool might be rated R, but nobody's being put on a registry for taking their kids to see it). All the while other things that are wholly positive and life-affirming take on a disparate tone of foreboding, just because society has deemed them "harmful to minors" - whether or not (as in the case of wholesome nudism) that is factually true.

It's the same with dancing and modeling and fashion - things that, left to their own devices, kids love to play with (you'd think that, judging from some of the repressive messaging out there, kids naturally want to play with dolls and fire trucks until the night before their 18th birthday - and that's just not reflective of reality). These things aren't vices. They can be empowering, and a source of self-confidence. A medium for expression, and just plain fun! It's not indecent to admire both the human body's form and function. But because some people would prefer to interpret it in a sinister way, it's imbued with a veil of seediness. Like an art nude being slapped with a censor bar, giving it the impression of illicit pornography. It poisons the well, because now you can't defend any of these things without sounding like a sicko...