Sex-Positive Education

I'm actually in the process of mulling over my own personal manifesto detailing what I believe sex-positivity should be, since I've come across so many sex-positives with iffy views. But I encountered this article on educating your kids in a sex-positive manner, and while it's generally a very good article with very good advice, there were a few comments I wanted to make.

8 Sex Positive Things You Can Say To Your Kids

1. "Your Body Belongs To You"

Standard good advice. But you'll notice that people always phrase this in the negative, and not realize that the freedom to say no also encompasses the freedom to say yes. Otherwise you do not have ownership of your own body, and you are simply being told to always say no (which relates to what other people want you to do with your body, and not what you actually want). So, yes, your body belongs to you, and that means no one gets to touch you without your permission. But that also means that if you want somebody to touch your body, you're allowed to give them permission to do so.

2. "If They're Not Having Fun You Have To Stop; If You're Not Having Fun, They Have To Stop"

This is a good baseline rule, but the whole "if this...then you have to stop" rubs me the wrong way. People have sex for different reasons. Having fun is perhaps one of the best. Whether or not having sex when you're not having fun is wrong or unhealthy, I believe in a person's basic freedom to engage in un-fun sex if they so choose. That's all part of the "your body belongs to you" mantra. You get to make decisions about your own body. You don't have to follow arbitrary rules that other people make for you.

Now, if the person you're having sex with is not having fun, then you should stop - unless or until you have good reason to believe that that person really does want to continue despite it not being fun for them - and that doing so won't make you criminally liable if any physical or psychological harm should result. Sex positive does not mean that all sex is always positive - it means that we take a positive approach towards sex, and we give people the basic freedoms and choices they have a right to have.

But, I'll grant the author the benefit of the doubt here, because this is probably one of those "complications" that are best left until a person has reached a certain level of maturity. I wouldn't necessarily expect a kid to be able to understand or deal with a situation like that, nor would I necessarily want them involved in those kinds of experiences. Plus, it could make sex seem unnecessarily scary, which would have the opposite desired effect that sex-positive education is going for.

3. "Penis. Vulva. Labia. Vagina. Breasts. Testicles."

Yes, this is crucial for enabling people to talk about sex, which is critically important for dealing with any and all problems that arise. However...

"vulvas are private"

Wrong, wrong, so wrong. This is NOT sex positive. Your body, your rules. That means if you don't want anyone (except you and your doctor) to see your vulva, then fine. But there is NOTHING wrong with showing people your vulva - e.g., if you happen to be a nudist. The whole "private parts" thing is very body negative and needs to be done away with post haste. We do not have public parts and private parts - we just have parts. Whether or which of those you want to make public or private is your individual choice, and it should not influence your opinion of those who make different choices than you.

Also, as I explained above, "only you or your doctor is allowed to touch your testicles" pretty much violates the whole "your body belongs to you" thing, doesn't it? Everybody is fine and dandy on "if you don't want to be touched, you have the right not to be touched." But it's a two-sided coin, and sex positivity encompasses the freedom to give people the permission to touch you if you want them to.

4. "Love Is Love"

Agreed. It's very important that kids be exposed to both alternative sexualities - gays and lesbians (among others) - as well as transgendered individuals (which kids currently still have a hard time understanding, because we still live in a culture that teaches that there are only two kinds of people - boys and girls). This should absolutely not wait until "they're old enough", which indeed encourages the viewpoint that there is something taboo about their very existence.

5. "To Each Their Own"

Yes. And let's please stop stigmatizing people for playing with their toys in ways that seem odd to the majority of the population. Diversity is beautiful.

6. "Everyone's Body Deserves Respect"

Yes! Absolutely. Especially adolescent bodies, which are the most vulnerable to body-negative messages and yet are still extremely taboo.

On the flip side, however, it's important to understand that it's okay to be attracted to some bodies and not others. It doesn't change the way you should treat a person - people deserve respect whether you're attracted to them or not - and it's not nice to insult people because you don't like the way their bodies look. But as long as you're polite and respectful, it's okay not to be attracted to everybody and think that every body is equally beautiful.

Also, it's good to focus on the fact that bodies are for more than just appearance - what matters is not just how they look, but what they can do. (And a good analogy for not insulting people because you don't like the way their bodies look is thinking about disabled people - their bodies may not be able to perform some functions that other bodies can, but they are still human beings deserving of dignity and respect).

7. "You Are Loved And Valued"

This is a great message - especially if you're saying these things to your kid - though I'm not sure to what extent it's part of a sex positive framework. I don't know how convincing it is to tell someone they are "loved and valued" if they're living out on the street with no friends because their parents kicked them out of the house. It might be better to tell people to make an effort to love and value others, rather than feeding them what could amount to sweet lies. Certainly, if you love and value the person you're teaching these values to, then by all means, go ahead and let them know that. Feeling loved and valued is indeed important to developing a healthy, sex-positive attitude, but attacking people for loving and valuing people just because we don't understand the form that that love and value takes doesn't contribute to that.

8. "I Am Here Whenever You Need Someone To Listen"

Also good. A lot of sex problems can be alleviated by having someone to talk to, that you don't feel ashamed about discussing sex (and your personal sexual feelings and activities) with. It should be noted that most parents fall far short of this, however, and in some (perhaps a lot of) cases, parents are not a child's first choice for these kinds of discussions. We can maybe change that by starting an open dialogue early, but I think it's also important that there be other resources available out there for kids to turn to in case they don't feel comfortable talking about this stuff with their parents. (Which means we'll need to relax some of the restrictions and knee-jerk reactions we have to unrelated adults talking to kids about sex).