Both Sides Now

(With apologies to Joni Mitchell, lol).

One of my friends viewed some of my "safer" photography once several years ago, when I was less enmeshed in the modeling lifestyle as I am now. It wasn't too long after I started sharing my self-portraits on the internet. It was in the context of my flickr photostream, and so there were (as there tends to be) some comments on my photos, some of which were thinly veiled (if that) come ons, more or less obviously posted by men, if simply going by stereotypes.

At that point, I was obviously farther along the path of getting used to what every erotic model (and quite a few of the non-erotic variety, to their chagrin, I'm sure) has to get used to - receiving sexual comments from random strangers - than my non-model friend. Although, as I have already alluded to, not quite as comfortable with it as I am now. To somebody who has not had the experience of being a model, I can understand a little bit of confusion/discomfort at the thought of random people - particularly ones you have no interest of being sexually intimate with, as that is just how the statistics work out - coming on to you in a regular capacity.

Now, as a straight man (as I and, ostensibly, my friend both are), if this attention were coming from random women it would be a little bit more understandable. But when it comes from men, there's a little bit of awkwardness there. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this: the discomfort is largely inspired by a widespread culture of male homophobia. I've come a long way in getting over that feeling of discomfort. But at the end of the day, being "straight" is not a badge that I wear, it's just the way I describe my own sexuality, and I'm not (any longer) looking to prove anything to anyone, as it's not as if being gay would somehow make me less of a human being anyway (and those people who tend to think this need a reality check).

So, to me, it seems that if I'm getting a sexual compliment from a stranger I have no sexual attraction to or chemistry with, it doesn't make a difference to me if it's a man or a woman. And I don't subscribe to the simple-minded notion that a person attracted to one or the other sex is attracted to every member of that sex. Indeed, though I am attracted to females in a fundamentally more important way than whatever incidental attraction I might have to a male (and if you've read any Kinsey, it shouldn't be a surprise that very few people are entirely, 100% exclusively attracted to one sex or the other), I don't find it such a huge stretch of logic that I could find a particularly choice male specimen more physically attractive than a particularly dull or run-of-the-mill female. It doesn't mean I would necessarily have any desire to become either romantically or sexually intimate with them, but still.

Yet in the case of erotic modeling, a compliment needn't even come from somebody generally attractive. I've written about this before (though I don't at this moment recall when or where), but part of the "job" of erotic modeling is presenting yourself as a sort of fantasy icon for your adoring fans. And while there seems to be this superstitious belief among the masses that if somebody comes on to you that you're not attracted to, you've somehow lost face, I don't buy that. A sexual compliment is just that - a sexual compliment. And it doesn't require any sort of return. When somebody says they're attracted to me, that means I'm doing my job as an erotic model. It doesn't mean that we have to start dating, or have cybersex, or anything like that. I think this is a situation that most people in sex work deal with - providing sexual services for clients, without getting attached - that most of the rest of the world doesn't understand very well. But at this point in my life, I've adapted to it pretty comfortably. And I've learned to actually derive pleasure from being desired, even when the person doing the desiring isn't someone that I reciprocally desire.

I chose the title for this post to illustrate how - much like I am on both sides of the camera, as photographer and model - I am also on both sides of the screen. I am not just an erotic icon (maybe even "softcore porn star", if you will), I am also a fan of erotic icons. I collect sexy and artistic pics of nude models, too. They might not be the same ones my own fans collect (aside from my own - and, indeed, in most cases, they are probably not the same, given that what I am, and what I am attracted to, are two different, even if sometimes superficially similar, things), but I understand what that's like. I know what it's like to see a picture of an attractive person that gets your blood pumping. And I know what it's like sometimes to be stirred, sexually, by such pictures. And as a sexually liberated, sex-positive individual, I am not ashamed of that. Indeed, though many more people probably do feel shame, I'm sure it is not an insignificant percentage of the population (if possibly skewed toward males) that has at some time or other, if not regularly, "availed" themselves of internet pornography (or even non-porn that they've found sufficiently stimulating).

Now here's where things become odious. That shame bit does indeed cause some problems, and not just for the person on the messy side of the screen. We (collectively as male culture) indulge in porn, while simultaneously shaming those who are involved with it. In a very similar kind of dance, we drool over women who dress or act in ways that we deem "slutty", while thinking less of them in the process, and vehemently denying the women in our lives (especially wives/girlfriends, and most especially daughters) the opportunity to do the same (at least when not in private). Frankly, I think this is terribly hypocritical, and it reflects a very unhealthy attitude towards sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is viewed as a sin, and thus, while we simultaneously delight in it (it is, after all, a form of pleasure), we reject and despise those who cause us to feel that way.

I, however, am different. I view sexual pleasure as a gift. And anyone who is capable of giving it to me - not just directly, but also through the mechanism of arousal and desire - deserves my praise and respect. It's sad that I'm in the minority on this, but it's true. It also seems to me that this whole idea of reciprocation - that if somebody comes on to you, it's like they're demanding a return, or making some kind of comment on your own nature, by the sort of person that would be attracted to you (which makes no sense at all) - encourages an erosion of the concept of consent - whereby somebody has the right to decline a sexual advance without it impacting the "honor" of either party.

In any case, to wrap up this discussion, I will come, finally, to the impetus that put my pen into motion in the first place (figuratively speaking). If somebody - a fan of my erotic work - comes to me with a message of pleasure and desire, I take it simply as the compliment it is, with no expectation that I must express either reciprocal attraction or, barring that, revulsion that somebody I am not attracted to would dare express an attraction to me (I mean, big deal, right?). In another sense, I can imagine myself in the fan's place. What if I were to see a picture of an erotic model I am intensely attracted to? No doubt I would feel very similar toward this model, and where is the shame in that?

Now, one must consider the importance of being polite, particularly when making comments that the model is going to see. Incidentally, you would be impressed by how many people are careful to make sure I won't be offended before admitting their sexual attraction to me, despite the way that I conspicuously present myself as an object of sexual desire in my photography. But I think a lot of this, in addition to a basic sense of politeness, is encouraged by how many models out there (probably more often the female ones, because stereotypes) do exactly that and still get upset when somebody dares to express a sexual attraction to them. I sit on the middle of the fence - where politeness is important, but at the same time, people should have a basic understanding of human sexuality, and recognize that when somebody makes a sexual comment, it doesn't impugn their reputation as a pure, Christian angel. Or rather, as a decent human being. This whole image of the sexless angel is ridiculous, and unhealthy, and causes no end of frustration throughout society.

So, to reiterate, when somebody tells me how they masturbate to my pictures (for example), instead of getting offended and grossed out, I just think how nice it would be to have an opportunity to tell a female model I'm attracted to what her photos do to me (believe it or not, I have never done this - because I've been conditioned to internalize my feelings), without her getting upset and offended. And while certainly you could argue that it would be better if we just kept all this stuff unsaid, what's wrong with being honest? Frankly, the idea that there's this sexual undercurrent going on behind the scenes, that most people accept but no one is brave enough to address, just to me feels really slimy and deceptive. Much more so than simply being honest when somebody's appearance or behavior causes you to feel happy in your pants, so long as you don't expect them to be obligated to do anything about it, and are polite when you do go about sharing. And by all means, I don't think you should necessarily walk up to a stranger on the street and tell her the outfit she's wearing is giving you a boner (again with the politeness thing), but models in particular should be more expecting of this sort of thing than everyone else.