Thursday, January 10, 2013

Dear Pozzie

Today's post is a guest post by a good friend of mine - Sex Pozzie, The Sex Positive Advice Columnist - responding to a young woman's concern over her mom's boyfriend's request to see a naked picture of her.

Dear Pozzie,

My mom's dating this really nice guy. He's a little bit awkward, but very gentle. I wanted to get him something for his birthday, so I asked my mom what he would like. She told me she'd ask him, and then she came back and told me he wanted a naked picture of me. I was outraged! Isn't that totally inappropriate? And my mom didn't think a thing of it. Should I disown her? What am I supposed to do?

- Creeped Out Daughter

Dear COD,

Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit? Now I don't know what your relationship is like between you and your mother, and I don't know your mom's boyfriend well enough to tell you whether or not he poses any threat to you or your mom, but just going by what you said, it seems like he's a nice enough guy.

If he's going out with your mom, it's safe to assume he's attracted to her. Assuming you weren't adopted, I wouldn't be going out on a limb to presume you look a lot like a younger version of your mother - and we all know a lot of guys dig on youth in women. So it's no surprise he's attracted to you.

Is it inappropriate for him to request a naked picture of you, when he's going out with your mother? Perhaps, but that depends on the context. First, you wanted to know what he'd like from you for his birthday, so maybe he's just being honest. Honesty is an admirable quality - and much too rare these days.

Second, your mom asked him - you didn't ask him yourself - so it's not like he said it straight to your face. He's in an intimate relationship with your mom, and while you think it might be inappropriate for him to express an attraction to another woman - his girlfriend's daughter, no less - that's something between him and your mother. Not every couple is as jealously guarded as one might think they ought to be.

And lastly, it's not at all clear that your mom's boyfriend has any real designs on you. Maybe it was only a joke that he wanted a naked picture of you. Or even if he was serious, maybe he understands that it's a line, and he doesn't intend to cross it, and he was - again - just being honest about his feelings.

Now, maybe it was a bad decision for your mother to have relayed that information to you - and it's certainly within your prerogative to tell her that it bothered you - but that depends on the relationship between you and your mother. If it's a good one - especially if it's a close one - I wouldn't be particularly alarmed. She's just including you in her circle of intimacy, and as long as she's not overbearing, I don't see any harm in that. A lot of women would envy you that kind of relationship with their mother.

Of course, all of this advice could be void if there are other mitigating factors regarding your relationship with your mother and the personality and background of your mom's boyfriend, but I'm working on good faith that if there were other such important details, you would not have overlooked mentioning them in your letter. Indeed, from what you have written, I see no cause at all to be alarmed.

My advice to you is: try to loosen up and relax. Don't be so uptight about sex. Maybe even try some nude modeling sometime - even if just by yourself, in front of a mirror, and if you delete the pictures immediately afterward. You never know the positive effect it could have on you. And if you feel confident enough, you could try sharing those pictures, either with someone you trust, or totally anonymously. It doesn't have to be your mom's boyfriend, but can you imagine how overjoyed he'd be? Life is short, and sex is fun - so enjoy it!

- Sex Pozzie

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